Jesus turned water into wine meme

Hey what’s up! I hope you’re doing great. I am looking for someone to talk to and get to know and hopefully become friends or more.
Some of my goals this year is getting fit and active. Reading about 20 books this year and getting into meditation.
Things I like:

• memes
• video games
• dark humor
• working out
• reading
• philosophy
• history
• science

3 random facts: - scared of heights - like learning new things - English isn’t my first language
A bit about me:

• enjoy voice chats
• random
• like to joke around and tease
• silly
• straightforward
• caring

Something that I always remember randomly and it never fails to make me lol is when I once was taking a shower and I guess the water was so hot that when I looked at the mirror, I saw steam coming out of my head like a hot cup of tea or coffee would. I started laughing. I thought it was crazy. When I randomly remembered, I told my sister while we were at some cafe, and we laughed so hard, the couple seated next to us were just staring at us.
What I want in a guy:

• someone who likes to joke around and laugh
• someone who’s honest
• someone who’s emotionally intelligent
• easy going
• someone who’s into self improvement

This story needs to be told. Those who have suffered must understand why. It’s not as simple as some have made it to be, which is why it needs to come from the person most responsible… me.
It began when I was least expecting it. But then don’t things always seem to happen that way?
***
“I’m tellin' ya, doc, people just don’t understand,” Frederick said while rocking back and forth in the chair.
“What exactly don’t they understand?” I said, trying to look more relaxed than I felt.
“There’s just something that takes over. You can’t stop it.”
“Impulse control?”
“What’s that mean?” Frederick said, struggling against his straight jacket, trying to get comfortable.
“It means that when you want to do something, you try your hardest not to. It means you try to control or suppress the urge to do things you know are bad.”
Frederick’s mouth lolled open. He narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“Why would I want to do that?”
I suppressed the urge to sigh.
“Because that’s what people do,” I said. “They think about doing bad things, but then they control themselves and don’t do them because those things are wrong and could hurt other people.”
“Hurting people is wrong?” he said.
“Yes, Frederick, hurting people is wrong.”
He shook his head as if he were trying to shake away a fly that was annoying him.
“Why?”
“Why is hurting people wrong?”
“No, why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re saying I’m bad,” he said trying to rise from his chair. “You’re saying I didn’t need to hurt those people. That I’m a bad person.”
I got up from my chair and started backing toward the heavy metal door.
“I’m not bad!” he yelled at me. “You’re bad!”
I knocked on the door and the orderly opened it as Frederick got to his feet.
I slipped through the door as it slammed shut from the impact of his body slamming into it.
“Bad, bad, bad,” he screamed.
“Badbadbadbadbadbadbadbad!”
Spit flew from his mouth landing on the small observation window with metal grates embedded in it.
“You ok, doc,” the orderly said, startling me.
“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”
I turned and walked down the white hallway, hoping the orderly wouldn’t notice the quickness in my step. I ignored the sound of Frederick beating on the door. I ignored all the sounds I heard. I just wanted to get away.
It was a long walk to my office, through many security gates. At each one, the nurse buzzed me through and gave me an acknowledging look that used to be a smile.
I suppose this place gets to everyone eventually.
I finally reached my office, closed and locked the door behind me, and collapsed into my chair. I breathed out a sigh of relief at reaching relative safety. I turned and looked out my window to the beautiful flowers blooming on the trees in the courtyard. I looked up at the tree stretching toward the sky.
I remember when they planted those.
I turned back to my center, my means of solace, the only thing that mattered in this cruel, unfair world. I picked up the picture of my lovely wife and smiled. She was the one who kept me sane all these years. She kept me seeing the best in people. Or at least trying. Sometimes there was no good to see—especially in my patients.
It takes a special kind of doctor to care for the mental needs of those who have done heinous things that are so bad they don’t even bother sending them to prison. They send them to me.
I’m like the dumpster for the dregs of society. Just drop them in the asylum and forget about them.
I kissed my wife and set her back on the bare desk, then turned on my computer and added notes from today’s session. There was never a recommendation for release. Once patients came here the only way they left was in a body bag. There was no curing them, only trying to make them docile until they left.
Oh, there were experiments. That was a large part of how we were funded. Companies would pay for certain tests to be done. Some might call it torture, but we called it research.
I finished typing my notes and leaned back in my seat. The diplomas and degrees stared down from their perches on the bare walls, mocking me. Demanding why I hadn’t gotten a better job.
As usual, I didn’t have an answer.
My office suddenly felt stuffy. I closed down my computer and left. Driving down the packed freeway, all I could think about was collapsing on the couch beside my lovely Elizabeth. Not telling her about my day until she dragged it out of me, then listening to her encourage me to help those who have been left in my care, because I’m the only hope they have.
Traffic was bumper to bumper and not helping my overall opinion of humanity much. Especially when a car that was swerving from lane to lane, nearly sideswiped me. It kept going on in front of me, nearly hitting several other cars.
The driver and passenger seemed to be having a disagreement about how to drive the car and it looked like it was about to come to blows.
Fortunately, they were soon out of sight, and someone else’s problem.
For the next few miles, I kept watching the side of the road waiting to see the offending car sitting in a ditch. However, they surprised me. They must’ve turned off to go terrorize some neighborhood streets with their reckless driving.
I hummed to myself, not wanting to have whatever dreck was on the radio forced on me.
When I was nearly to my exit, my phone rang. I immediately recognized the number as work. I contemplated answering it for a moment, then thought better of it. There had never been a time when work called with good news. And I was in no mood for bad news.
I hummed a little louder, trying to drown out the sound of the ring before it finally stopped.
The closer I got to home the less I thought about work and the more I thought about Elizabeth. Until I turned off at my exit, I had nearly forgotten work altogether. Maybe I would take tomorrow off and go do something with my wife. We hadn’t been out for a while. The weather had been lovely and I know she would adore a walk down by the lake.
My thoughts were interrupted when I turned down our driveway and saw a car in front of the house. It wasn’t quite in the driveway, it was sitting at an angle halfway in the front yard.
I parked my car and slowly got out. Something struck me about this car, but I hadn’t figured out what. I approached the driver’s side to have words with the person still sitting at the wheel.
“Excuse me,” I said staying a few steps back from the driver’s door.
He didn’t answer me.
“Excuse me,” I said a little louder.
Still no answer.
I tapped on the window and he ignored me.
I opened the door.
“Okay, look… “ I said.
But it was I who would do the looking. The man fell out of the car, thudding on the grass. The inside of the car was covered in blood. I looked down and the man’s throat had been cut.
“Oh my God!” I said jumping back.
I watched to see if the man was breathing, but the way his neck was bent at an unnatural angle against my yard told me everything I needed to know.
I glanced through the car but didn’t see the passenger.
It was then my eyes drifted to my front door.
It was open.
I stepped through the shrubs and up onto the porch, walking in a daze. The surrealness of the moment had yet to sink in. I was going inside to check on my wife and make sure everything was ok.
It didn’t strike me as anything more than that.
‘Oh, she just left the door open, that’s all.’
My mind kept trying to tell me that. I wanted desperately to believe it. Even though she had never been that careless during the entire time we’d been married. I had pushed aside all reason and common sense in favor of pure denial.
Everything was going to be ok. With Elizabeth, everything was always ok. She could literally light up a room with her positivity. She was the best person I ever knew. I have no idea how I got so lucky as to know her, let alone be her husband.
I floated in through my front door on my cloud of denial and looked for my wife.
It didn’t take me long to find her.
There was one wall of the living room she was constantly redecorating. She always said it looked bare and empty no matter what she did with it.
She was hanging from that wall, naked, her beautiful body desecrated by slices and rips. Her throat had been slit and blood still poured from it.
I ran to her.
Tried to take her down.
Screamed her name.
And then it was my turn to scream.
I looked down and saw a knife blade sticking out from my abdomen. It was part of the cutlery set I had gotten for Elizabeth three Christmases ago.
I screamed as I slowly turned to face my attacker.
“What’s up, doc?” Frederick said wearing a maniacal grin.
The shock had punched a hole in my reasoning. I saw him standing there, but I couldn’t accept it any more than I could accept my beautiful wife strung up like a macabre painting hanging on our living room wall.
My eyes tried to focus on his face. To make me recognize him as a threat.
“How’s that impulse control workin’ for ya, doc?”
He ripped the knife out of my back.
The pain, along with his arrogance woke me from my shock-induced stupor.
“Now do you understand?” he said, as he shoved the knife into my belly.
I did understand. I understood at that moment that I was already as dead as my wife. I knew that this piece of human garbage had taken something beautiful from this world. I knew I had to do something about it before there was nothing I could do. Before my body succumbed to injuries and I was unable.
I grabbed him by the throat. He tried to laugh, but my grip was fueled by desperation.
He tried to free himself but couldn’t. He began stabbing me over and over. I refused to release him. I carried him by his neck over to the kitchen counter and began bashing his head off the marble.
I was rewarded with spots of his blood. I knew at least I had made him bleed and that made me smile. His eyes grew wide as my grin grew maniacal. I smashed him repeatedly, crushing him against the sink, breaking the faucet, and causing water to spray into the air.
His eyelids fluttered as he lost his grip on the knife.
He was nearly gone. I would take him with me and that would be my parting gift to the world, removing something so evil.
Suddenly, my body wouldn’t obey commands. My grip loosened. I tried to tighten it, but I had lost all control. I looked down and I was standing in a pool of my own blood.
His eyes fluttered open and he coughed.
‘Nonononononono!’ I thought. ‘He can’t live. He can’t win. I had him.’
He stood as I sank to the floor.
“Looks like maybe you do understand, doc,” he said from what seemed like miles away. “Too bad you won’t be around to discuss it. We could have a session and evaluate how it makes you feel.”
His foot came down on my spine. I felt a crack. He started kicking me in the side repeatedly. Splashing water and blood on me as I felt my ribs crack.
I fought with everything I had.
My body didn’t even twitch.
‘Nooooo!,’ I screamed. ‘It can’t end like this.’
I heard a sizzling sound and then there was darkness.
***
I could feel movement.
Wasn’t I dead?
Was this what happened after?
It was still dark.
‘Hello?’ I tried to say.
Nothing. Just the sensation of movement.
Am I in a body bag? Am I on my way to the morgue or the grave? Please don’t let me be buried alive.
But I’m not alive, am I?
I don’t feel any pain. That’s a good thing, but not a good sign. The last thing I remember was lots of pain.
Suddenly there’s light and my movement stops.
I look up from the floor of a house I don’t recognize.
‘Where the hell am I?’
I’m on the floor next to a wall, looking up at an electrical outlet. Nothing around me seems familiar. I try to stand but it feels weird. It isn’t difficult, and there’s still no pain, it just carries an odd sensation with it. Like my body is just relearning things. Just like when I was a toddler. I teeter back and forth as I rise, but eventually, I’m upright.
My first few steps are tentative, but after that, I gain confidence with each stride.
Aside from the strange surroundings, there’s a sensation, like ants crawling all over me.
I pass a bathroom and glance inside. The reflection in the mirror draws me back. I slowly approach it, seeing something unique and terrifying.
It looks like someone drew an outline of a human form using a lightning bolt. The electricity shimmers and crackles as it races around the empty form of the being.
I wonder if it will hurt me.
Not sure if I want to test the limits of my newfound lack of pain, I hesitantly reach for this creature. It reaches for me at the same time. I’m mesmerized by this mutual curiosity.
My hand is about to touch the electric pulse shaped like its hand. I tremble with anticipation and fear as we touch.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel any pain. I don’t feel anything except a hard surface.
I move my hand back and forth. The creature does the same. I make quicker movements, and so does it.
Finally, out of frustration, I reach back and strike at the creature.
My hand strikes the hard surface and it splinters. There are now multiple creatures staring back at me.
I step back and come to the horrible realization.
I am the creature.
***
One month later…
“And police have been unable to find any credible leads in the string of brutal killings that began shortly after the patient escaped from the mental hospital last month,” the handsome anchorman stated from behind his desk. “They are asking people to call in if they know the whereabouts of Frederick Winston, now known as, ‘The Mangler’.”
“In other news, the Larsan Electric Company has issued a statement that the recent power surges are no cause for alarm. These surges seem to be random in people's homes and certain businesses. An LEC spokesman stated that there appears to be no pattern to the surges and that so far no one has reported them causing any harm. LEC is tracking down the problem and should have it under control soon.”
The anchorman shifted in his seat and turned to another camera.
“And on a lighter note, with Halloween months away, it seems that reports of ghosts are on the rise,” he said, wearing a half grin. “Several area residents have reported what they call a ghostlike figure, outlined in light, visiting them. Reports vary as to the duration and location of the visits, but they do seem to have a few things in common. The visits are usually short. In fact, most people say that if they blink the figure is gone. No one has reported the ghost doing any harm. And it seems like anyone within close proximity feels a tingling sensation and their hair standing on end.”
“Maybe I should be visited instead of my next hairdresser’s appointment,” the attractive woman anchor said with a laugh.
“Schedule me a visit too,” the male anchor said smiling. “And that’s our news for the evening, good night.”
Jimmy switched the channel.
“Gimme a break,” he said to the TV. “Ghosts? Who’s playing what? This’s some marketing scheme to sell Halloween crap. Like that stunt they pulled a few years back with the clowns hanging around the schools to promote that stupid movie.”
He switched off the TV and rolled over in his bed.
It wasn’t long before his breathing slowed. But before sleep could take him, he noticed a glow in the hallway. He didn’t remember leaving any lights on when he came to bed. Living alone had its advantages. If he heard someone in his apartment, he knew they weren’t supposed to be there. He slowly reached over to the bedstand and pulled out his Glock 9mm handgun, then held it close and listened.
He watched as the glow moved. It seemed like someone was looking around. But for what? He didn’t really have anything aside from his TV, phone, and video games. If anyone wanted those, they would be in a world of hurt. He had been lucky to get this apartment. If he was honest with himself, it cost more than he could afford, but when he had the chance he took it. It was too bad the opening came because the person who lived there before him was one of The Mangler’s victims. That’s probably why he was able to rent the place so quickly and get the price down to where he could almost afford it.
Maybe the glow was one of the street people who were stupid enough to see if there was an empty apartment to claim. That wasn’t gonna fly either. Jimmy had jumped on this apartment to get away from the dingy rat hole he used live in on the other side of town. And there was no way he’d let some bum come in here and take what was his.
The glow crept closer. He could feel the hairs on his arms raise. There was a sound too. It wasn’t loud, almost felt more than heard. A soft crackle, like electricity when it sparked.
The sensory input was almost too much for Jimmy to take. He pointed the gun in the direction of the glow and saw the barrel was shaking. His resolve, that he could deal with anyone as long as he had his gun, was beginning to fade.
The glow became so bright that it finally took form.
Jimmy’s eyes widened. It was the form of a person, just like the news had said.
It seemed to look around the room, then settle its gaze on the bed. Jimmy began to sweat as it approached and stared into his eyes.
It was the oddest thing, staring into what should be eyes, but nothing was there. The flashes of mini lightning bolts formed shapes that looked almost human, but it was just an outline, there was nothing inside what should be the body.
He shoved the shaking gun out from under the blanket and pointed it at the glowing figure.
The figure noted the presence of the gun, then continued to advance.
“S… stop,” Jimmy said. “I’m w… warning you.”
The figure ignored the warning.
Jimmy squeezed the trigger, setting off a deafening shot that went right through the face of the figure.
It acted as though nothing had happened, continuing to advance. The ringing in Jimmy’s ears made all sound seem muffled.
The figure stopped two inches from Jimmy’s face.
“Mangler… “ it said, sounding less like a voice and more like a transmission over an old staticky radio.
“I… I’m not the Mangler,” he said. “The person who used to live here was killed by him.”
It seemed to ponder this for a moment.
“Find Mangler… “ it said.
“I d… don’t know where to find him.”
It moved an inch closer. As the flashes of electricity arced, licked hungrily at Jimmy’s face.
“Find… him… “
“Ok, ok, I’ll find him,” Jimmy said, feeling the heat from the electricity.
The figure seemed to consider that for a moment then backed away. It moved toward the bedroom wall. Then, like someone had turned on a vacuum, it was sucked into an electrical outlet and disappeared.
Jimmy laid back in bed, breathing hard. His eyes darted left and right all around the room. But the only evidence of the figure that remained was the bullet hole in his bedroom wall.
***
The trips through the electrical conduits had become easier. There were still times when I came out someplace I didn’t intend to, but I was usually able to recover quickly and get to where I wanted to go.
But where did I want to go? At first, I wandered around, lost in this new form I found myself trapped inside. It was only after I had overheard a news report about the serial killer they called The Mangler that I gained my purpose.
Of course, Frederick was going to keep killing. Of course, they weren’t going to be able to catch him. He’d been inside away from his victims before and he didn’t like it. Not being able to torture and kill innocents was like a normal person not being able to breathe. Not that I know much about normal or breathing anymore.
I suppose on some level I should thank him. I thought about it for a long time and the only thing that makes any kind of sense is when we were fighting, somehow the water and blood I was laying in got splashed into the electrical socket. Instead of killing me, it bonded with me, making me able to become the electrical current. To ride it like a wave to wherever I wanted.
I became faster than any person ever was. And yet, I wasn’t a person anymore. I have no idea how I retained my consciousness, let alone my memory. But somehow…
I justify it by the old adage, ‘I think therefore I am.’
My life has become an endless hunt for the person who destroyed me, the person I must destroy. I don’t even know what I’ll do when I find him. But I will find him. I will stop him. This time, I won’t fail. I’ll end him like I should’ve before.
I owe it to the people he’s tortured and killed since my failure. Most of all, I owe it to my wife. I know she wouldn’t approve of my bloodlust. She would say there must be some other option. But if she would be able to see her dead body hanging naked from our living room wall, I think she just might change her mind.
My thoughts are interrupted as I arrive at my next destination, another victim’s house. I’m not sure what I’ll find that the police haven’t, but I have to try. Maybe I can pick up his scent somehow. A plan almost assuredly doomed to failure since I lost all sense of smell in the transformation.
I’m surprised though that I can still see and hear. I suppose waves of light and sound somehow intersect with my electrical body and it senses them. I don’t question it. I’ve learned to just go with it.
On the plus side, I don’t have to worry about eating, drinking, or using the bathroom. I guess there’s an upside to everything. Elizabeth would be so proud of me.
I arrive at the room where the victim was murdered. Looking around there’s still blood everywhere, along with evidence markers where they took pictures.
The sheer amount of blood tells me he took his time. He desecrated this girl in her own room. Her parents must’ve been out because there’s no way they didn’t hear the struggle. There were books on the floor, a chair overturned, and blood everywhere. The room was a disaster. It looked like she fought him. I wish she would’ve succeeded where I had failed.
But then, I wish I hadn’t failed, and this girl was still alive.
There’s nothing I can do now except find him and end him.
Finding him was proving more difficult than I thought. I had unlimited access to anywhere with electricity, but I couldn’t use a computer or a GPS. I was limited to transportation only through electricity. Granted that still made me the fastest being alive. I say being because I don’t think I qualify as human anymore. But I was limited to traveling to a place and then trying to find out where I was and if he was there.
If he knew I was searching for him all he would have to do is live the rest of his days in a cabin in the woods with no electricity. I’d never be able to reach him.
I believe two things worked in my favor with that theory.
First, I don’t think he’s that smart, and second, I don’t think he knows I’m looking for him. I believe that surviving our fight only further empowered him to kill. When someone feels invincible, they’re bound to make a mistake.
An officer walked into the room and I ducked back into an outlet. I was able to hang on where I was and watch from inside the outlet without being transported somewhere else.
The officer looked startled and stared at the empty air that I had just vacated. She looked like she was unsure if she trusted what her eyes had seen in the instant before I vanished.
She slowly stepped over to the corner and bent down to peer into the outlet. For a moment I wondered if she could see me, and what exactly she would see. But then her radio squawked calling her to another scene. When I heard the voice on the radio say the address and that they might have the killer cornered, I didn’t waste any time.
It was maybe fifteen seconds until I was across town at the address I’d heard. There was a lot of screaming and crying going on. I came out of the outlet and saw blood on the floor beside a body that wasn’t moving.
There was a girl being beaten by a man with his back to me. He turned to take another swing and I knew my search was over.
“My psychiatrist used to tell me I needed to work on my impulse control,” he said calmly as he slapped her. “I think I’m doing pretty good. I’ve been here ten whole minutes and you’re still alive.”
I shot across the room and knocked him to the floor. He jumped back up and looked around for what had hit him.
“What the hell?”
I saw the fear in his eyes when he saw me. I know Elizabeth would’ve been ashamed, of me, but I was enjoying his anxiety. After all he had done to me and so many others, I drank it in like an elixir.
He started edging toward the door. I was there in a heartbeat. His eyes darted back and forth between where I used to be and where I now stood. The panic in his eyes doubled.
I wanted to make him suffer, but I didn’t want to make the same mistake I’d made before and let him escape with his life.
I lashed out with a bolt that used to be my arm. The energy slashed through his shirt and fried a hole in his shoulder.
He screamed in pain and horror as he looked at the smoking hole in his skin. He tried to run but in an instant, I was there in front of him firing another bolt and searing the skin across his waist to his jeans.
His screams of pain and rage were only matched by the feral desperation in his eyes.
Not knowing what do to, he went with the familiar. Attack the innocent. He grabbed the girl who had been crawling away from the scene.
He grabbed her again and held her in front of him like a human shield.
What a waste of skin.
I fired a bolt into a ceiling light beside me which ricocheted and hit him full force in the leg, nearly severing it.
He went down like a ton of bricks, trying to hold on to his hostage, but she was fighting to get away from him. She broke free and he crumpled to the floor.
“What do you want?” he screamed at me.
With everything that is within me, I wanted to tell him who I was, what he had taken from me, and what I was about to take from him.
But I didn’t want to give the satisfaction. I wanted to give him only uncertainty and fear to cling to.
I could feel the seconds ticking away. I knew I had to make the most of this opportunity or he would get away again. And after this, I might never find him.
I unleashed every ounce of energy at him. I couldn’t even see him, he was only a smoking pillar of frying skin.
Just then, the police burst through the door.
“FREE… “ the first officer started then the shock of what he was seeing stole the rest of the word from his mouth.
He stood there, mouth agape when the female officer stepped in behind him. She looked at me and her wide eyes narrowed as she put two and two together and recognized me from the last crime scene.
I had no reason to fear. I didn’t know if I could even be harmed in my current state. But when you see that blue uniform burst through a door with a gun aimed at you, all rational thought takes a vacation.
I dove for the outlet and was gone. I didn’t even care where I was going. I knew I had done what I wanted to. The monster was destroyed.
Something felt different. Was it pride at finishing my crusade? Was it shame knowing Elizabeth wouldn’t have wanted me to do it?
I don’t know but there was something else. It was like there was added weight to my existence. I guess you can have a conscious in whatever you’d call this existence.
I appeared in the place that made the most sense, ironically. It was my old home. The one where everything I loved died, including me. It was where I took on this unintended new existence.
Is that why I felt this extra weight? Was it some cathartic aftereffect of my search for revenge that was finally over?
I looked around the charred debris of what used to be my home. In my mind's eye, I didn’t see the burned-out shell of what was left. I saw it as it was when we first moved in. When Elizabeth and I started decorating. When the interior was finally finished and I turned to her and said, “For now.” Knowing she would decide to change everything at some time in the future when she was bored, just like all women seem to do.
I remember getting a paintbrush across the mouth for that comment. I smiled remembering kissing her with my freshly painted mouth and ending up in the bedroom.
As I turned toward where I’d entered the house, my smile quickly faded. For some reason, I was still connected to the outlet. That had never happened before.
Another curiosity arose when I noticed the color of my electrical body was now tinged purple. It had always been blue before.
The tail of what had yet to come out of the outlet was red. As I pulled and it came the rest of the way out, it merged with me and turned purple.
“What the hell?” I heard someone say.
I whipped around but no one was there.
“Where am I?” the voice said.
“Who are you?” I said to the air.
There was a long silence.
“Doc?” the voice said.
As far as I knew it wasn’t possible for my spine to turn to ice, since I no longer had a spine, but the feeling seemed the same.
“Frederick?” I said.
“What happened?” he said. “This crazy electric thing attacked me and now… wait a minute. How am I talking to you? You died months ago.”
My shock gave way to utter despair. My enemy was now part of me.

This story needs to be told. Those who have suffered must understand why. It’s not as simple as some have made it to be, which is why it needs to come from the person most responsible… me.
It began when I was least expecting it. But then don’t things always seem to happen that way?
***
“I’m tellin' ya, doc, people just don’t understand,” Frederick said while rocking back and forth in the chair.
“What exactly don’t they understand?” I said, trying to look more relaxed than I felt.
“There’s just something that takes over. You can’t stop it.”
“Impulse control?”
“What’s that mean?” Frederick said, struggling against his straight jacket, trying to get comfortable.
“It means that when you want to do something, you try your hardest not to. It means you try to control or suppress the urge to do things you know are bad.”
Frederick’s mouth lolled open. He narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“Why would I want to do that?”
I suppressed the urge to sigh.
“Because that’s what people do,” I said. “They think about doing bad things, but then they control themselves and don’t do them because those things are wrong and could hurt other people.”
“Hurting people is wrong?” he said.
“Yes, Frederick, hurting people is wrong.”
He shook his head as if he were trying to shake away a fly that was annoying him.
“Why?”
“Why is hurting people wrong?”
“No, why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re saying I’m bad,” he said trying to rise from his chair. “You’re saying I didn’t need to hurt those people. That I’m a bad person.”
I got up from my chair and started backing toward the heavy metal door.
“I’m not bad!” he yelled at me. “You’re bad!”
I knocked on the door and the orderly opened it as Frederick got to his feet.
I slipped through the door as it slammed shut from the impact of his body slamming into it.
“Bad, bad, bad,” he screamed.
“Badbadbadbadbadbadbadbad!”
Spit flew from his mouth landing on the small observation window with metal grates embedded in it.
“You ok, doc,” the orderly said, startling me.
“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”
I turned and walked down the white hallway, hoping the orderly wouldn’t notice the quickness in my step. I ignored the sound of Frederick beating on the door. I ignored all the sounds I heard. I just wanted to get away.
It was a long walk to my office, through many security gates. At each one, the nurse buzzed me through and gave me an acknowledging look that used to be a smile.
I suppose this place gets to everyone eventually.
I finally reached my office, closed and locked the door behind me, and collapsed into my chair. I breathed out a sigh of relief at reaching relative safety. I turned and looked out my window to the beautiful flowers blooming on the trees in the courtyard. I looked up at the tree stretching toward the sky.
I remember when they planted those.
I turned back to my center, my means of solace, the only thing that mattered in this cruel, unfair world. I picked up the picture of my lovely wife and smiled. She was the one who kept me sane all these years. She kept me seeing the best in people. Or at least trying. Sometimes there was no good to see—especially in my patients.
It takes a special kind of doctor to care for the mental needs of those who have done heinous things that are so bad they don’t even bother sending them to prison. They send them to me.
I’m like the dumpster for the dregs of society. Just drop them in the asylum and forget about them.
I kissed my wife and set her back on the bare desk, then turned on my computer and added notes from today’s session. There was never a recommendation for release. Once patients came here the only way they left was in a body bag. There was no curing them, only trying to make them docile until they left.
Oh, there were experiments. That was a large part of how we were funded. Companies would pay for certain tests to be done. Some might call it torture, but we called it research.
I finished typing my notes and leaned back in my seat. The diplomas and degrees stared down from their perches on the bare walls, mocking me. Demanding why I hadn’t gotten a better job.
As usual, I didn’t have an answer.
My office suddenly felt stuffy. I closed down my computer and left. Driving down the packed freeway, all I could think about was collapsing on the couch beside my lovely Elizabeth. Not telling her about my day until she dragged it out of me, then listening to her encourage me to help those who have been left in my care, because I’m the only hope they have.
Traffic was bumper to bumper and not helping my overall opinion of humanity much. Especially when a car that was swerving from lane to lane, nearly sideswiped me. It kept going on in front of me, nearly hitting several other cars.
The driver and passenger seemed to be having a disagreement about how to drive the car and it looked like it was about to come to blows.
Fortunately, they were soon out of sight, and someone else’s problem.
For the next few miles, I kept watching the side of the road waiting to see the offending car sitting in a ditch. However, they surprised me. They must’ve turned off to go terrorize some neighborhood streets with their reckless driving.
I hummed to myself, not wanting to have whatever dreck was on the radio forced on me.
When I was nearly to my exit, my phone rang. I immediately recognized the number as work. I contemplated answering it for a moment, then thought better of it. There had never been a time when work called with good news. And I was in no mood for bad news.
I hummed a little louder, trying to drown out the sound of the ring before it finally stopped.
The closer I got to home the less I thought about work and the more I thought about Elizabeth. Until I turned off at my exit, I had nearly forgotten work altogether. Maybe I would take tomorrow off and go do something with my wife. We hadn’t been out for a while. The weather had been lovely and I know she would adore a walk down by the lake.
My thoughts were interrupted when I turned down our driveway and saw a car in front of the house. It wasn’t quite in the driveway, it was sitting at an angle halfway in the front yard.
I parked my car and slowly got out. Something struck me about this car, but I hadn’t figured out what. I approached the driver’s side to have words with the person still sitting at the wheel.
“Excuse me,” I said staying a few steps back from the driver’s door.
He didn’t answer me.
“Excuse me,” I said a little louder.
Still no answer.
I tapped on the window and he ignored me.
I opened the door.
“Okay, look… “ I said.
But it was I who would do the looking. The man fell out of the car, thudding on the grass. The inside of the car was covered in blood. I looked down and the man’s throat had been cut.
“Oh my God!” I said jumping back.
I watched to see if the man was breathing, but the way his neck was bent at an unnatural angle against my yard told me everything I needed to know.
I glanced through the car but didn’t see the passenger.
It was then my eyes drifted to my front door.
It was open.
I stepped through the shrubs and up onto the porch, walking in a daze. The surrealness of the moment had yet to sink in. I was going inside to check on my wife and make sure everything was ok.
It didn’t strike me as anything more than that.
‘Oh, she just left the door open, that’s all.’
My mind kept trying to tell me that. I wanted desperately to believe it. Even though she had never been that careless during the entire time we’d been married. I had pushed aside all reason and common sense in favor of pure denial.
Everything was going to be ok. With Elizabeth, everything was always ok. She could literally light up a room with her positivity. She was the best person I ever knew. I have no idea how I got so lucky as to know her, let alone be her husband.
I floated in through my front door on my cloud of denial and looked for my wife.
It didn’t take me long to find her.
There was one wall of the living room she was constantly redecorating. She always said it looked bare and empty no matter what she did with it.
She was hanging from that wall, naked, her beautiful body desecrated by slices and rips. Her throat had been slit and blood still poured from it.
I ran to her.
Tried to take her down.
Screamed her name.
And then it was my turn to scream.
I looked down and saw a knife blade sticking out from my abdomen. It was part of the cutlery set I had gotten for Elizabeth three Christmases ago.
I screamed as I slowly turned to face my attacker.
“What’s up, doc?” Frederick said wearing a maniacal grin.
The shock had punched a hole in my reasoning. I saw him standing there, but I couldn’t accept it any more than I could accept my beautiful wife strung up like a macabre painting hanging on our living room wall.
My eyes tried to focus on his face. To make me recognize him as a threat.
“How’s that impulse control workin’ for ya, doc?”
He ripped the knife out of my back.
The pain, along with his arrogance woke me from my shock-induced stupor.
“Now do you understand?” he said, as he shoved the knife into my belly.
I did understand. I understood at that moment that I was already as dead as my wife. I knew that this piece of human garbage had taken something beautiful from this world. I knew I had to do something about it before there was nothing I could do. Before my body succumbed to injuries and I was unable.
I grabbed him by the throat. He tried to laugh, but my grip was fueled by desperation.
He tried to free himself but couldn’t. He began stabbing me over and over. I refused to release him. I carried him by his neck over to the kitchen counter and began bashing his head off the marble.
I was rewarded with spots of his blood. I knew at least I had made him bleed and that made me smile. His eyes grew wide as my grin grew maniacal. I smashed him repeatedly, crushing him against the sink, breaking the faucet, and causing water to spray into the air.
His eyelids fluttered as he lost his grip on the knife.
He was nearly gone. I would take him with me and that would be my parting gift to the world, removing something so evil.
Suddenly, my body wouldn’t obey commands. My grip loosened. I tried to tighten it, but I had lost all control. I looked down and I was standing in a pool of my own blood.
His eyes fluttered open and he coughed.
‘Nonononononono!’ I thought. ‘He can’t live. He can’t win. I had him.’
He stood as I sank to the floor.
“Looks like maybe you do understand, doc,” he said from what seemed like miles away. “Too bad you won’t be around to discuss it. We could have a session and evaluate how it makes you feel.”
His foot came down on my spine. I felt a crack. He started kicking me in the side repeatedly. Splashing water and blood on me as I felt my ribs crack.
I fought with everything I had.
My body didn’t even twitch.
‘Nooooo!,’ I screamed. ‘It can’t end like this.’
I heard a sizzling sound and then there was darkness.
***
I could feel movement.
Wasn’t I dead?
Was this what happened after?
It was still dark.
‘Hello?’ I tried to say.
Nothing. Just the sensation of movement.
Am I in a body bag? Am I on my way to the morgue or the grave? Please don’t let me be buried alive.
But I’m not alive, am I?
I don’t feel any pain. That’s a good thing, but not a good sign. The last thing I remember was lots of pain.
Suddenly there’s light and my movement stops.
I look up from the floor of a house I don’t recognize.
‘Where the hell am I?’
I’m on the floor next to a wall, looking up at an electrical outlet. Nothing around me seems familiar. I try to stand but it feels weird. It isn’t difficult, and there’s still no pain, it just carries an odd sensation with it. Like my body is just relearning things. Just like when I was a toddler. I teeter back and forth as I rise, but eventually, I’m upright.
My first few steps are tentative, but after that, I gain confidence with each stride.
Aside from the strange surroundings, there’s a sensation, like ants crawling all over me.
I pass a bathroom and glance inside. The reflection in the mirror draws me back. I slowly approach it, seeing something unique and terrifying.
It looks like someone drew an outline of a human form using a lightning bolt. The electricity shimmers and crackles as it races around the empty form of the being.
I wonder if it will hurt me.
Not sure if I want to test the limits of my newfound lack of pain, I hesitantly reach for this creature. It reaches for me at the same time. I’m mesmerized by this mutual curiosity.
My hand is about to touch the electric pulse shaped like its hand. I tremble with anticipation and fear as we touch.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel any pain. I don’t feel anything except a hard surface.
I move my hand back and forth. The creature does the same. I make quicker movements, and so does it.
Finally, out of frustration, I reach back and strike at the creature.
My hand strikes the hard surface and it splinters. There are now multiple creatures staring back at me.
I step back and come to the horrible realization.
I am the creature.
***
One month later…
“And police have been unable to find any credible leads in the string of brutal killings that began shortly after the patient escaped from the mental hospital last month,” the handsome anchorman stated from behind his desk. “They are asking people to call in if they know the whereabouts of Frederick Winston, now known as, ‘The Mangler’.”
“In other news, the Larsan Electric Company has issued a statement that the recent power surges are no cause for alarm. These surges seem to be random in people's homes and certain businesses. An LEC spokesman stated that there appears to be no pattern to the surges and that so far no one has reported them causing any harm. LEC is tracking down the problem and should have it under control soon.”
The anchorman shifted in his seat and turned to another camera.
“And on a lighter note, with Halloween months away, it seems that reports of ghosts are on the rise,” he said, wearing a half grin. “Several area residents have reported what they call a ghostlike figure, outlined in light, visiting them. Reports vary as to the duration and location of the visits, but they do seem to have a few things in common. The visits are usually short. In fact, most people say that if they blink the figure is gone. No one has reported the ghost doing any harm. And it seems like anyone within close proximity feels a tingling sensation and their hair standing on end.”
“Maybe I should be visited instead of my next hairdresser’s appointment,” the attractive woman anchor said with a laugh.
“Schedule me a visit too,” the male anchor said smiling. “And that’s our news for the evening, good night.”
Jimmy switched the channel.
“Gimme a break,” he said to the TV. “Ghosts? Who’s playing what? This’s some marketing scheme to sell Halloween crap. Like that stunt they pulled a few years back with the clowns hanging around the schools to promote that stupid movie.”
He switched off the TV and rolled over in his bed.
It wasn’t long before his breathing slowed. But before sleep could take him, he noticed a glow in the hallway. He didn’t remember leaving any lights on when he came to bed. Living alone had its advantages. If he heard someone in his apartment, he knew they weren’t supposed to be there. He slowly reached over to the bedstand and pulled out his Glock 9mm handgun, then held it close and listened.
He watched as the glow moved. It seemed like someone was looking around. But for what? He didn’t really have anything aside from his TV, phone, and video games. If anyone wanted those, they would be in a world of hurt. He had been lucky to get this apartment. If he was honest with himself, it cost more than he could afford, but when he had the chance he took it. It was too bad the opening came because the person who lived there before him was one of The Mangler’s victims. That’s probably why he was able to rent the place so quickly and get the price down to where he could almost afford it.
Maybe the glow was one of the street people who were stupid enough to see if there was an empty apartment to claim. That wasn’t gonna fly either. Jimmy had jumped on this apartment to get away from the dingy rat hole he used live in on the other side of town. And there was no way he’d let some bum come in here and take what was his.
The glow crept closer. He could feel the hairs on his arms raise. There was a sound too. It wasn’t loud, almost felt more than heard. A soft crackle, like electricity when it sparked.
The sensory input was almost too much for Jimmy to take. He pointed the gun in the direction of the glow and saw the barrel was shaking. His resolve, that he could deal with anyone as long as he had his gun, was beginning to fade.
The glow became so bright that it finally took form.
Jimmy’s eyes widened. It was the form of a person, just like the news had said.
It seemed to look around the room, then settle its gaze on the bed. Jimmy began to sweat as it approached and stared into his eyes.
It was the oddest thing, staring into what should be eyes, but nothing was there. The flashes of mini lightning bolts formed shapes that looked almost human, but it was just an outline, there was nothing inside what should be the body.
He shoved the shaking gun out from under the blanket and pointed it at the glowing figure.
The figure noted the presence of the gun, then continued to advance.
“S… stop,” Jimmy said. “I’m w… warning you.”
The figure ignored the warning.
Jimmy squeezed the trigger, setting off a deafening shot that went right through the face of the figure.
It acted as though nothing had happened, continuing to advance. The ringing in Jimmy’s ears made all sound seem muffled.
The figure stopped two inches from Jimmy’s face.
“Mangler… “ it said, sounding less like a voice and more like a transmission over an old staticky radio.
“I… I’m not the Mangler,” he said. “The person who used to live here was killed by him.”
It seemed to ponder this for a moment.
“Find Mangler… “ it said.
“I d… don’t know where to find him.”
It moved an inch closer. As the flashes of electricity arced, licked hungrily at Jimmy’s face.
“Find… him… “
“Ok, ok, I’ll find him,” Jimmy said, feeling the heat from the electricity.
The figure seemed to consider that for a moment then backed away. It moved toward the bedroom wall. Then, like someone had turned on a vacuum, it was sucked into an electrical outlet and disappeared.
Jimmy laid back in bed, breathing hard. His eyes darted left and right all around the room. But the only evidence of the figure that remained was the bullet hole in his bedroom wall.
***
The trips through the electrical conduits had become easier. There were still times when I came out someplace I didn’t intend to, but I was usually able to recover quickly and get to where I wanted to go.
But where did I want to go? At first, I wandered around, lost in this new form I found myself trapped inside. It was only after I had overheard a news report about the serial killer they called The Mangler that I gained my purpose.
Of course, Frederick was going to keep killing. Of course, they weren’t going to be able to catch him. He’d been inside away from his victims before and he didn’t like it. Not being able to torture and kill innocents was like a normal person not being able to breathe. Not that I know much about normal or breathing anymore.
I suppose on some level I should thank him. I thought about it for a long time and the only thing that makes any kind of sense is when we were fighting, somehow the water and blood I was laying in got splashed into the electrical socket. Instead of killing me, it bonded with me, making me able to become the electrical current. To ride it like a wave to wherever I wanted.
I became faster than any person ever was. And yet, I wasn’t a person anymore. I have no idea how I retained my consciousness, let alone my memory. But somehow…
I justify it by the old adage, ‘I think therefore I am.’
My life has become an endless hunt for the person who destroyed me, the person I must destroy. I don’t even know what I’ll do when I find him. But I will find him. I will stop him. This time, I won’t fail. I’ll end him like I should’ve before.
I owe it to the people he’s tortured and killed since my failure. Most of all, I owe it to my wife. I know she wouldn’t approve of my bloodlust. She would say there must be some other option. But if she would be able to see her dead body hanging naked from our living room wall, I think she just might change her mind.
My thoughts are interrupted as I arrive at my next destination, another victim’s house. I’m not sure what I’ll find that the police haven’t, but I have to try. Maybe I can pick up his scent somehow. A plan almost assuredly doomed to failure since I lost all sense of smell in the transformation.
I’m surprised though that I can still see and hear. I suppose waves of light and sound somehow intersect with my electrical body and it senses them. I don’t question it. I’ve learned to just go with it.
On the plus side, I don’t have to worry about eating, drinking, or using the bathroom. I guess there’s an upside to everything. Elizabeth would be so proud of me.
I arrive at the room where the victim was murdered. Looking around there’s still blood everywhere, along with evidence markers where they took pictures.
The sheer amount of blood tells me he took his time. He desecrated this girl in her own room. Her parents must’ve been out because there’s no way they didn’t hear the struggle. There were books on the floor, a chair overturned, and blood everywhere. The room was a disaster. It looked like she fought him. I wish she would’ve succeeded where I had failed.
But then, I wish I hadn’t failed, and this girl was still alive.
There’s nothing I can do now except find him and end him.
Finding him was proving more difficult than I thought. I had unlimited access to anywhere with electricity, but I couldn’t use a computer or a GPS. I was limited to transportation only through electricity. Granted that still made me the fastest being alive. I say being because I don’t think I qualify as human anymore. But I was limited to traveling to a place and then trying to find out where I was and if he was there.
If he knew I was searching for him all he would have to do is live the rest of his days in a cabin in the woods with no electricity. I’d never be able to reach him.
I believe two things worked in my favor with that theory.
First, I don’t think he’s that smart, and second, I don’t think he knows I’m looking for him. I believe that surviving our fight only further empowered him to kill. When someone feels invincible, they’re bound to make a mistake.
An officer walked into the room and I ducked back into an outlet. I was able to hang on where I was and watch from inside the outlet without being transported somewhere else.
The officer looked startled and stared at the empty air that I had just vacated. She looked like she was unsure if she trusted what her eyes had seen in the instant before I vanished.
She slowly stepped over to the corner and bent down to peer into the outlet. For a moment I wondered if she could see me, and what exactly she would see. But then her radio squawked calling her to another scene. When I heard the voice on the radio say the address and that they might have the killer cornered, I didn’t waste any time.
It was maybe fifteen seconds until I was across town at the address I’d heard. There was a lot of screaming and crying going on. I came out of the outlet and saw blood on the floor beside a body that wasn’t moving.
There was a girl being beaten by a man with his back to me. He turned to take another swing and I knew my search was over.
“My psychiatrist used to tell me I needed to work on my impulse control,” he said calmly as he slapped her. “I think I’m doing pretty good. I’ve been here ten whole minutes and you’re still alive.”
I shot across the room and knocked him to the floor. He jumped back up and looked around for what had hit him.
“What the hell?”
I saw the fear in his eyes when he saw me. I know Elizabeth would’ve been ashamed, of me, but I was enjoying his anxiety. After all he had done to me and so many others, I drank it in like an elixir.
He started edging toward the door. I was there in a heartbeat. His eyes darted back and forth between where I used to be and where I now stood. The panic in his eyes doubled.
I wanted to make him suffer, but I didn’t want to make the same mistake I’d made before and let him escape with his life.
I lashed out with a bolt that used to be my arm. The energy slashed through his shirt and fried a hole in his shoulder.
He screamed in pain and horror as he looked at the smoking hole in his skin. He tried to run but in an instant, I was there in front of him firing another bolt and searing the skin across his waist to his jeans.
His screams of pain and rage were only matched by the feral desperation in his eyes.
Not knowing what do to, he went with the familiar. Attack the innocent. He grabbed the girl who had been crawling away from the scene.
He grabbed her again and held her in front of him like a human shield.
What a waste of skin.
I fired a bolt into a ceiling light beside me which ricocheted and hit him full force in the leg, nearly severing it.
He went down like a ton of bricks, trying to hold on to his hostage, but she was fighting to get away from him. She broke free and he crumpled to the floor.
“What do you want?” he screamed at me.
With everything that is within me, I wanted to tell him who I was, what he had taken from me, and what I was about to take from him.
But I didn’t want to give the satisfaction. I wanted to give him only uncertainty and fear to cling to.
I could feel the seconds ticking away. I knew I had to make the most of this opportunity or he would get away again. And after this, I might never find him.
I unleashed every ounce of energy at him. I couldn’t even see him, he was only a smoking pillar of frying skin.
Just then, the police burst through the door.
“FREE… “ the first officer started then the shock of what he was seeing stole the rest of the word from his mouth.
He stood there, mouth agape when the female officer stepped in behind him. She looked at me and her wide eyes narrowed as she put two and two together and recognized me from the last crime scene.
I had no reason to fear. I didn’t know if I could even be harmed in my current state. But when you see that blue uniform burst through a door with a gun aimed at you, all rational thought takes a vacation.
I dove for the outlet and was gone. I didn’t even care where I was going. I knew I had done what I wanted to. The monster was destroyed.
Something felt different. Was it pride at finishing my crusade? Was it shame knowing Elizabeth wouldn’t have wanted me to do it?
I don’t know but there was something else. It was like there was added weight to my existence. I guess you can have a conscious in whatever you’d call this existence.
I appeared in the place that made the most sense, ironically. It was my old home. The one where everything I loved died, including me. It was where I took on this unintended new existence.
Is that why I felt this extra weight? Was it some cathartic aftereffect of my search for revenge that was finally over?
I looked around the charred debris of what used to be my home. In my mind's eye, I didn’t see the burned-out shell of what was left. I saw it as it was when we first moved in. When Elizabeth and I started decorating. When the interior was finally finished and I turned to her and said, “For now.” Knowing she would decide to change everything at some time in the future when she was bored, just like all women seem to do.
I remember getting a paintbrush across the mouth for that comment. I smiled remembering kissing her with my freshly painted mouth and ending up in the bedroom.
As I turned toward where I’d entered the house, my smile quickly faded. For some reason, I was still connected to the outlet. That had never happened before.
Another curiosity arose when I noticed the color of my electrical body was now tinged purple. It had always been blue before.
The tail of what had yet to come out of the outlet was red. As I pulled and it came the rest of the way out, it merged with me and turned purple.
“What the hell?” I heard someone say.
I whipped around but no one was there.
“Where am I?” the voice said.
“Who are you?” I said to the air.
There was a long silence.
“Doc?” the voice said.
As far as I knew it wasn’t possible for my spine to turn to ice, since I no longer had a spine, but the feeling seemed the same.
“Frederick?” I said.
“What happened?” he said. “This crazy electric thing attacked me and now… wait a minute. How am I talking to you? You died months ago.”
My shock gave way to utter despair. My enemy was now part of me.

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Haven't posted anything in a while, I used a writing prompt for this one again:
​
Evelynn stepped through the door, her trench-coat soaked from the rain.
“About time! The human struck again! Haha,” said Dave, hunched over the body with a magnifying glass. “Curse you hyper-sensitive nose! Making me work at midnight.”
“It’s too late for your nonsense, Dave.” Evelynn pulled out her camera
“The only Non-nocturnal cat in Pacifica, ladies and gentlemen!” Dave got up. “So, what do you did it, chief?”
Evelynn made her way across the cabin, taking photos of the carnage. She constricted her pupils to better examine the body. The rabbit was missing his legs, and large chunks of flesh elsewhere.
“Whoever did this, they didn’t do it by hand or mouth, so the predators are out.”
“Look at the bright side! At least Herbivore-Carnivore relations won’t get any worse!”
“What does it smell like!” Said Evelynn impatiently.
“A Human! Seriously, though, I have no clue. They’re not even trying to conceal their scent. I’ve just never smelt this... creature before”
“Go get the tape. Looks like we’ll be here for a while.”
“Aye aye, captain!” said Dave, wagging his tail. Evelynn pulled out her surgical kit, laying it down on the dresser by the bed with the body. Evelynn accidentally dropped the scalpel as she went to make the first incision. She crouched to pick it up and noticed the tooth laying by it.
“Tape’s up boss!” Said Dave, shutting the door behind him. “What you got there?”
Evelynn held up the tooth with shaking hands. “Do you KNOW what this is?” She screamed, pupils contracted to a single line and fur standing.
“No way! The only place I’ve ever seen a tooth like that is in the stories mom used to tell. It’s probably just a… an ape! Or a horse!” Said Dave with increasing worry. He wanted to believe what he was saying, but he would have recognized the scent of the other species. His expression slowly turned to fear, his ears clamping down.
There was a rustle in the bushes nearby. Evelynn jumped to the roof and sunk her claws into it, hissing. Dave dropped to all fours, pupils contracting, ears up, and started barking. He sprinted out the window, chasing whoever made the noise. “Wait,” yelled Evelynn, chasing after him.
When she caught up, she found him stuck to a tree, whimpering, and in front of him stood the human, drenched in blood and carrying a bloodier bag. “Good boy,” he said, slowly approaching.
"Eve... Looks like I was right! Heh... again" Said Dave, still pinned in place.
The human turned around to face Evelynn and advanced towards her. He seemed delirious, and his eyes had a look of spite. “We will rise to the top again, bloody mute by bloody mute,” he said, pulling a machete out of his robes. He slouched down and broke into a frantic sprint. Dave tackled him, biting into the arm holding the machete so strongly Evelynn thought he might tear it off.
“Get off me, you disgusting mutant!” The human swung Dave over his head and stood over him, holding the machete with the one good arm left. He was about to deliver the finishing blow. Evelynn concentrated, her pupils once again contracting to a single line, her night vision showing her a clear path to the beast. She pounced for his neck blind with rage. He could not put up much of a struggle.
“Whew, thanks for the save, boss…. Shit,” said Dave, noticing that Evelynn’s claws were still out, and her mouth was watering. Cats are carnivores after all. Before she could incriminate herself, Dave whacked her on the back of the head with his baton and swung her over his shoulder.
“Discovering that the most feared species in history is alive and well, whacking my boss so she doesn’t eat someone, you know, exactly what I fucking want to spend my Saturdays doing!” he exclaimed, making his way back to the police car. Evelynn chuckled weakly.

tldr: FFV is extremely good. Play it.
The middle child of the series’ 16-bit era, Final Fantasy V doesn’t share the same lofty legacy as its immediate predecessor and successor. Final Fantasy IV was a game-changer for the franchise and RPGs on a whole while Final Fantasy VI is still regularly considered one of the greatest games in the series and on the Super Nintendo, but audiences far too often neglect the big bridge between them. Final Fantasy V deserves to be held in the same regard and for good reason. V strikes a perfect balance between the gameplay heavy Job-based titles (I & III) and the denser, story-focused (II & IV) games in a way that neither IV nor VI accomplish.
Philosophically, Final Fantasy V combines the player-driven customization from the odd-numbered entries with the narrative and thematic ambitions of the even-numbered games, albeit not by design interestingly enough. In a 1992 developer interview from Famicom Tsuushin (now Famitsu), series creator and FFV director Hironobu Sakaguchi rejected the idea that V was an intentional culmination of what came before,
“Distilling the essence of Final Fantasy into a single game was not our intention. We created this new job ability system in order to carry forth and further iterate on the good ideas we had in FFIV. In that sense it was a distillation. But rather than summing up all of what Final Fantasy has been, it’s more that we simply wanted to give players a kind of fun they haven’t experienced yet. That doesn’t necessarily imply that we wanted to cut out the good parts from FFIV, though.”
In practice, V takes what works from previous games, but redefines everything to fit its own identity. The Job system has been heavily tweaked to offer greater customization options, while memorable character arcs and dramatic story beats tend to drive the plot forward over pure exploration: it’s the best of III and IV with none of the worst. The kind of “fun [players] haven’t experienced yet” means that everyone will go through the same motions more or less, but no two playthroughs need ever be alike: narrative linearity plays off mechanical flexibility. Even though FFV’s story moves in a fixed fashion like IV, players are afforded an incredible amount of freedom when it comes to building their party courtesy of the revised Job system. The end result is an RPG that will always feel fresh.
The gameplay variety in V is still genuinely impressive to this day. Parties are scaled back down to just four members, but everyone can learn any skill and fulfill any role with enough effort. Every party member starts as a Freelancer who can then be reclassed between 22 Jobs (26 in the GBA port). Party composition is less of a puzzle ala FFIII and treated instead like a proper character building system. Bartz, Lenna, Faris, and Galuf all begin as blank slates, but will very quickly fall into different gameplay roles based on how you choose to train each character. The lack of CP (Capacity Points) also means you can swap Jobs whenever you want.
Party members can actually learn and equip Job specific abilities in V. You can mix and match abilities with different Jobs, essentially creating hybrid classes suited to your gameplay interests. Make mages deal barehanded damage like Monks, Monks who attack eight times in a single turn with Rapid Fire, or singing Summoners whose summons and Bardsongs turn them into full-blown utility characters capable of dishing out heavy damage, restoring health, and changing the flow of battle with buffs & debuffs. Where FFIII encourages you to upgrade Jobs with each Crystal, V wants you to find the Jobs you like most and go wild having fun.
FFV is well designed enough where sticking with a single Job is perfectly viable, even if challenging. There’s no wrong way to play according to V’s Battle System Designer Akihiko Matsui,
“There’s so many different jobs, and we decided to make them all viable. Players are free to make any kind of party they want. Player A and Player B might have completely different parties, but ultimately any party can make it to the last boss. After players beat the game, I recommend trying a party that caters to your aesthetic sense.”
Character and Job levels are still separate like in III, but Jobs have had their level caps reduced from a flat 99 to between 1 and 7 depending on the class. Jobs start at Lv. 0 and level up by earning ABP (Ability Points) from completing battles. How much ABP a Job needs is determined by its current level. Lv. 0 Jobs typically only need 10 for their first level, while fully mastering a Job regularly requires hundreds. Since ABP is earned at a slower rate than EXP, ability progression is a gradually paced process. Early encounters will often only yield 1 ABP despite fighting a full team of enemies.
You’re better off relying on boss battles and mid- to late-game battles to master Jobs as enemies will drop more ABP the further you get into the game. You can grind, but simply following the story and getting the abilities you get by playing naturally saves a lot of time in the long run. It’s smarter to go with the flow than to grind for hours off low ABP encounters. At the same time, ability acquisition gives grinding its own rewarding loop and low ABP drops do mean that you can power-level Jobs without necessarily becoming overleveled. Either play style works just fine without completely curbing the difficulty curve.
Each Job level teaches the assigned party member a command, passive, or innate ability that can then be equipped on the Ability screen in the menu. While every Job learns a diverse enough set of abilities to keep them handy, the goal is ultimately to experiment and synergize your party with different abilities. Party members do not learn new spells or abilities by just leveling up, so you need to make use of Jobs to maintain a sense of permanent character progression. Most Jobs can only equip a single ability alongside their class command, while Freelancers have access to two ability slots and Mimes have three at the expense of needing to equip Attack and Items as proper abilities. Ability limits force you to approach Job combos strategically and carefully consider your party’s many options.
V’s Job variety is frankly nothing short of excellent. Job acquisition is fast-paced and you’ll have access to almost every Job before the halfway point. This gives you plenty of time to experiment and find the Jobs best suited to your preferred play style. V also strikes a healthy balance between Final Fantasy mainstays and creative additions that make the gameplay loop even more diverse. Freelancers learn no new abilities, but can equip anything and inherit innate abilities along with stat benefits from mastered Jobs. A perfect Freelancer can inherently dual wield weapons, spot traps in the level design, be able to sprint with B, and counter attacks automatically. A common goal for the endgame is mastering as many Jobs as possible to create the ultimate Freelancer.
The Wind Crystal unlocks the first set of Jobs. Knights can equip some of the best weapons and gear in the game, letting them function as a primary damage dealer and tank. Knights also automatically redirect attacks to themselves when allies are at low health and learn to two-hand Swords, Katanas, or Axes which inflict double damage at the expense of a Shield. Monks have a narrow equipment spread, but are cheap to outfits, always attack twice, counter enemies when struck, and deal heavy damage even without weapons. Their barehanded ability synergizes particularly well with mages, since it allows them to deal decent damage that circumvents their poor weapons spreads.
Thieves have the highest agility in the game, which often means they’ll move first in battle. They can Steal from enemies, later learning the ability Mug, which lets them deal damage while robbing baddies blind. Thieves can also comfortably flee from most encounters, spot hidden passages in the level design, and sprint inside of dungeons & towns by holding B. White Mages play a primarily supportive role by using White Magic to restore HP, heal status effects, and inflict status ailments. Spells are not learned and instead purchased from stores. Purchased spells do not have to be consumed by individual characters and instead apply to the whole party innately. Each Job Level improves the White Mage’s magic capabilities, which is consistent with all magic-based Jobs. Black Mages are squishier than White Mages, but compensate with powerful Black Magic. They play an offensive role, being able to take advantage of elemental weaknesses and status vulnerabilities.
Blue Mages are a new Job created for FF5. Blue Magic cannot be purchased at stores and must instead be learned during battle. Blue Mages learn an ability called Learning that, when equipped, teaches the party any Blue Magic spells enemies use on them. The one caveat is that the attack must connect for it to be learned. Not every attack can be learned, but several enemy spells are obscenely overpowered. Level 5 Death instakills any enemies with a level divisible by 5 and Aqua Breath deals heavy water damage to all enemies on-screen. Regular Blue Magic acquisition and a great spread of attacks makes the Blue Mage one of the most fun Jobs in FFV.
The Water Crystal unlocks five more Jobs once it shatters, with a sixth locked behind an optional dungeon in the final overworld. Time Mages are another new magic-based Job, but they inherit pre-existing magic from previous games. Spells like Haste, Slow, Comet, Float, Teleport, Return, and Meteor are all now considered Time Magic. In practice, Time Mages can use their wide variety of spells to comfortably deal damage, support the party, and debilitate enemies. Summoners can use a wide range of Summon Magic to fulfill different gameplay roles. Summons can deal elemental damage, heal, inflict buffs or debuffs, and the strongest wipe out most enemy encounters with relative ease. While some Summons can be bought at stores, most are tied to side quests and must be found by exploring the overworld & dungeons.
Red Mages can use low and mid tier White & Black Magic in the same ability slot. The best they can cast are -ra spells, but since the best -ga spells are locked off until closer to the end of the game, Red Mages end pulling their weight for quite a while before falling off. Mastering the Red Mage Job is a lengthy endeavor, but ultimately pays off by teaching Dualcast — a borderline overpowered ability that lets them cast two spells in a single turn. Pairing Dualcast with any type of high level magic is one of the best combos a mage could ask for.
Mystic Knights can buff their weapons with Black Magic or Holy via the Spellblade ability. Once enchanted, Mystic Knights combine magical damage with the regular physical capabilities to take advantage of elemental weaknesses or inflict status ailments without compromising attack power. They also automatically cast Shell on themselves at low health to increase their magical resistance. In the right hands and paired with abilities like Rapid Fire and Two-Handed, Mystic Knights end up extremely powerful. Berserkers are an especially unique Job in that they get no active command slots in exchange for dealing considerably buffed damage. While Berserkers can still equip an ability, they cannot be controlled in battle, which limits their overall utility. Berserkers have a great weapon spread, but they need to synergize with the rest of your party well enough to overcome their lack of command slots.
The Fire Crystal unlocks three Jobs right away and then two more once the party explores Black Chocobo Forest. Ninjas are strong, fast, and can dual wield weapons. The Throw command lets them toss items and elemental scrolls at enemies for extra damage, giving them great coverage in combat. Beastmasters can tame, catch, and control different monsters. Controlling a monster gives you full access to their commands. You can make them damage themselves to death or intentionally teach your party rare Blue Magic. Weakened monsters can also be captured and then released in battle, unleashing different attacks depending on the monster. Geomancers fight by altering the terrain with the command Gaia. Their attack types change based on the environment you’re fighting in, along with the character’s level, giving them an impressive amount of gameplay variety. Having a Geomancer in the party will also save you from falling into pit traps and nullify any damage tiles.
Bards make for fantastic utility characters thanks to their variety of Bardsongs. New songs are learned by speaking with NPCs and playing pianos in different towns (like a proper bard!) Singing can buff the party or damage groups of enemies. Songs like Requiem let you lay waste to undead monsters at the cost of 0 MP. Rangers are bow wielders, which means they can deal full damage from the back row. The Aim command increases their accuracy and overall damage, but unlike Rosa from FFIV, bows no longer need individual arrows as ammo. The main benefit to the Ranger class is its mastered ability Rapid Fire, which deals for weak attacks in one turn and pairs excellently with Monks, two-handers, or dual wielders.
The Earth Crystal unlocks the final four Jobs in the original release (sans Mime). Dancers are weaker than other Jobs comparatively, but get by thanks to their unique Dance ability and great access to accessories. Dancing triggers one of four random effects in battle, either confusing enemies, absorbing MP, absorbing HP, or dealing damage. They’re also the only class besides Freelancers who can innately equip Ribbons, which nullify all negative status effects. Dancers on a whole are reliant on equipment to be functional. Gear like Lamia’s Tiara and Red Slippers help raise the chances of Dancers dancing the Sword Dance, turning them into solid attackers. Dragoons are limited to spears and knives for weapons, but have a great equipment spread otherwise. Their abilities let them function as reliable damage dealers who can survive lengthy battles. Dragoons can Jump to temporarily avoid damage mid-air and attack enemies by landing. Lance also drains enemies MP and HP, which pairs well with Mages.
Samurai learn some of the best commands in the game while having access to powerful weapons and gear. With the right set ups, they can obliterate the difficulty curve. Mineuchi is basically a regular attack that sometimes paralyzes enemies. Zeningage lets you throw Gil to deal massive damage. The more Gil you have and the higher your level, the more damage is dealt. Shirahadori raises evasion, turning your party member into a dodge-tank, and Iainuki simply insta-kills most enemies at the cost of requiring two turns to use. Chemists are great support characters designed all around items. They can brew new concoctions mid-battle by mixing different ingredients to different effects. Your existing items can turn into an attack, heal your party, or temporarily buff everyone’s level. Chemists can also drink special potions that buff their stats, and restore more HP & MP by using Potions & Ethers than other Jobs.
The Mime Job can be unlocked by exploring Walse Tower underwater in the final overworld. Mimes are the core of the Job system condensed into a single Jon. They inherit some mastered abilities innate (not all), and have three ability slots that let you fully customize each party member. You can even remove commands like Attack and Items in favor of other abilities. Mimes can also mimic any move used by the previous party member at no MP cost and without consuming items. The Mime makes a great alternative to Freelancers, especially for magic-oriented characters.
Final Fantasy V Advance introduces four extra Jobs. Three of which are available as soon as you unlock all 12 Legendary Weapons and visit the Sealed Temple, with the last unlocked after defeating the Temple’s boss. Gladiators are powerful melee fighters with access to strong weapons and armor whose commands help them make short work of enemies. Oracles are the strongest magic-based Job in the game, but their main command Condemn has a chance of randomly healing enemies, so they’re not the most reliable beyond their stat benefits. Cannoneers can deal full damage from the back row and can combine ingredients together to make new items and the final Job Necromancer learns unique Dark Art spells from enemies like a Blue Mage with Blue Magic. Albeit fun to play with, the GBA Jobs enter the picture too late to actually have an effect on character building.
Overall, V’s Jobs are incredibly fun to play around with and offer a consistently rewarding gameplay loop that lasts the whole playthrough. The early game encourages you to diversify your party, the mid-game pushes you to mix & match dozens of different abilities, and the endgame rewards you for mastering Jobs by letting you customize Freelancers and Mimes into bonafide powerhouses. The Job system gives FFV an incredible gameplay flow that keeps combat and exploration fresh all the way to the credits.
V’s battles flow at a great pace. The ATB (Active Time Battle) system returns from FFIV, albeit with an on-screen bar for each party member that refills and signifies when they can make a move. Taking turns in real-time lends combat a sense of urgency and pressure, especially in boss fights. The difficulty curve is never so high where you’ll be overwhelmed by lightning fast enemies, but V tends to require more strategy and thought than IV on average — although mainly on a prep level. Battles challenge you to diversify your party’s abilities while rewarding you for experimenting with Jobs. Low EXP payout compared to previous games keeps parties from overleveling. The focus is on earning AP, learning abilities, and creating hybrid Jobs.
Enemies are vulnerable to a lot of different elements and status ailments across all types of magic and abilities. Trying with different spells and debuffs usually pays off. There are more status effects to contend with, with some particularly dangerous ones for the party. Old slowly lowers the affected character’s stats. Dischord halves the target’s level. Zombie turns a character against the rest of the party. Smart Job synergy lets you blitz through most random encounters, but you’ll often run into stronger enemies or packed parties that’ll keep you on your toes. It’s not uncommon to fight an army of weaker enemies battling alongside a considerably stronger monster. FFV doesn’t share I or III’s Vancian Magic system despite being a Job-based game, instead maintaining the MP system from FFII and FFIV. MP still needs to be managed to some extent since the best spells require quite a bit of MP to cast, especially Blue Magic.
Combat’s fast and sometimes frantic pace ends up mirroring the game’s overall progression. Final Fantasy V wastes no time opening up. The status quo is always changing and you unlock new Jobs surprisingly quickly. V cycles through three overworlds just like IV. They’re not as striking as Earth, Underworld, and Moon trio, but feel more cohesive. The game begins on the protagonist Bartz’s world, shifts to party member Galuf’s world, and ends in a merged overworlds that’s an amalgamation of both worlds. The story is fairly linear up until the last world where the game finally lets you explore at your leisure. Most of the final dungeons can even be done in any order, most of which are actually optional. V sports more methods of transportation than the average Final Fantasy and cycles through them often, trapping you in specific areas with unique restrictions.
You ride on a Chocobo, set sail on a ship led on a hydra, fly on a dragon’s back, sail a fire-powered boat, fly a Black Chocobo through the air, pilot an airship, and submerge a submarine underwater. The fact you’re always engaging with the overworld in a new way keeps progression fresh and reminds you that anything can change. Some towns disappear and you lose access to them over the course of the story. Multiple dungeons are one-time trips. There are actual consequences to in-game actions. Once you’re done with an overworld, you’re done. There’s no jumping between worlds like in IV. The world permanently changes and stays changed. The space you’re interacting with and how is always being altered. V isn’t the first Final Fantasy with real consequences, but it’s the first one where those consequences fundamentally reshape your experience beyond just locking away a few key areas.
Towns themselves are packed with colorful NPCs who do a good job at directing you. Ancillary dialogue often sets up later story beats or just fleshes out the world in small yet significant ways. V’s game-long side quests encourage you to talk with everyone and hunt the overworld for secret summons and optional dungeons. V’s towns are generally well designed with enough secrets to keep you exploring, but dungeons are the real star when it comes to level design. FFV’s dungeons aren’t as long as III or IV’s, but they’re a healthy length and set pieces are consistently memorable and engaging. There’s a good mix of traps, gimmicks, and environmental variety. Every dungeon feels creatively distinct.
The Ship Graveyard is an early standout, as you explore debris from ruined ships on open water, jumping from wreckage to wreckage. The Library of Ancients features a prominent bookcase maze. Bookshelves move around as you explore the library, opening up seemingly dead-ends and keeping your own navigation confused and claustrophobic. You have to walk into nooks to let the bookshelves collapse back in, creating new ways to traverse the room. The Phoenix Tower is a 30 floor gauntlet with no save points, you only have seven minutes to explore a sunken Walse Tower before you drown, and the Great Sea Trench is filled with damage tiles and pit traps.
The four Tablet dungeons do a great job at closing out FFV on a fight, with the Pyramid serving as a great introduction to the endgame. You only have three party members at this time, which makes things notably harder, but the dungeon itself is packed with different gimmicks. Branching paths lead to chests with monsters ready to ambush you. Sarcophagi that double as secret passages hiding mummies. Wall switches let you deactivate traps and unlock doors. Spike traps block your path and snakes jump out from walls to trigger battle on contact. Mecha Heads patrol the upper floors, and floor tiles that move around every few seconds drop you down to the floor below if you’re not quick enough. By the time you reach the Rift, you’re ready for everything the final dungeon has to toss at you.
V’s presentation really helps bring different set pieces to life and is a big step up from IV. Environments are rich with detail, playing with depth perceptive to add some welcome spatial depth to the level design and using unique effects that help foster atmosphere. Exdeath’s Castle is overflowing with thick fog, dark areas warp the visuals around you, and knee-deep water rushes through Istory Falls. The game’s spritework is nothing short of fantastic. Enemies are the best they’ve ever looked at this point, and each character has a unique battle sprite for every single Job — all of which play to your party members’ distinct personalities. FFV also sports one of Nobuo Uematsu’s most underrated soundtracks. Lenna’s theme is a beautiful song, Fate in Haze is a haunting dungeon tune, and Clash on the Big Bridge is one of the most blood-pumping battle themes in the series. The score has a wide musical range, and is as emotional as it is energetic and ambient.
The scope of Final Fantasy V’s story isn’t as emotionally charged as IV, but it’s no worse for wear. Hironobu Sakaguchi and Yoshinori Kitase worked on the story together, both leaving their own personality behind in V’s script,
“Sakaguchi was in charge of the overall plot, and because FFV was a relatively serious story, I wanted to be sure to inject spots with a little bit of comic relief and humor.” – Yoshinori Kitase, Scenario Writer The end result is a plot that knows when to be dramatic and when to cut loose a little. Final Fantasy V is just as comfortable letting Bartz and Faris share a tender moment at his parents’ grave as it is having the party’s main rival have a very tongue-in-cheek redemption right before the final battle. V is a Final Fantasy with a sense of humor and a sense of heart.
One particular point in the story’s favor is its modern English localization. While V’s original English translation on PSX left much to be desired (to say the least), the revised Game Boy Advance script plays to the story’s natural charm and stands out as a strong localization altogether. Characters joke around together and interact with each other often, playing off each other’s unique personality traits. Bartz is a few men short of a full crew, Leena is an all-loving princess, Faris is a headstrong pirate with a sensitive side, and Galuf & Krile are usually the game’s go-to when it comes to injecting some humor and pathos into the plot.
Character development is gradual in V, trading IV’s big beats for several smaller interactions amongst the cast that help flesh out their relationships, backstories, and motivations. By the end of the game, V’s party of four feels more defined than IV’s cast of a dozen. Little moments highlight their growth as opposed to life-changing events. Bartz and Galuf build a mutual respect for each other over their journey, and share a man-to-man drink in Regole. Lenna and Faris are two sisters torn apart at birth who reconnect throughout the game and mourn their father together. Krile gets to know the party and forms a bond with everyone before replacing Galuf. Bartz, Lenna, Faris, and Krile feel like a close-knit group of friends when all is said and done.
While the crux of FFV’s story is a fairly traditional “good versus evil” plot, the narrative is bolstered both by strong characterization and some light but tight theming. Nature is dying due to man’s abuse of natural resources. The four Crystals are sapped of their energy, draining the world of its elements. The wind will stop, the air will stagnate, the birds will fall from the heavens and drop dead as seas dry up and fires die out. The fact Exdeath is actually a tree can even be read as nature rejecting humanity and wiping the slate clean as a consequence. The story doesn’t really push the theme beyond the surface level, but that it’s present at all gives the plot a minor layer of depth.
Big gameplay moments to advance the story aren’t as frequent as IV, but they’re as impactful and V has more cutscenes in the grand scheme of things. The Battle at the Big Bridge throws constant enemies at you to build tension during a major turning point for the story. Gilgamesh interrupts a fight with an entirely different boss and superseding their battle theme with his own. Galuf’s death and final duel with Exdeath uses the battle system to emphasize Galuf’s sheer force of will. Exdeath peppers you with powerful attacks, but Galuf refuses to die even at 0 HP. You can feel Galuf’s determination and desperation translated through the gameplay loop as he survives Flare, Holy, and Meteor back to back to back. Watching him fight to the very last inch of his life justifies it when the party can’t help him with Curaga, Raise, Phoenix Downs, or Elixirs. Galuf’s death feels painfully earned narratively and mechanically.
Exdeath is a great villain, both in spite of and because of his outlandishly cartoonish malice. He’s outlandishly cartoonish, laughs maniacally, takes every opportunity to torment the party, and has no real ulterior motives beyond his evil. He’s chaos personified, which is perhaps fitting considering how FFV echoes FFI’s story in several respects. Exdeath also stands out for being an active antagonist whose role isn’t taken over by a last minute villain who was secretly pulling the strings all along. He’s nothing special in the greater context of Final Fantasy villains, but Exdeath serves V’s story well.
Between an incredibly charming story and a fantastic gameplay loop, Final Fantasy V is nothing short of one the best games in the series. It’s a perfect marriage of Final Fantasy’s two distinct styles, combining the character-driven storytelling from II & IV with the gameplay diversity of I & II while giving both halves of the experience enough depth to thrive. The story’s stakes are high, the cast is very likable, and the lighter tone gives the plot a strong identity without undermining its drama. The Job system offers an amazing amount of replay value and is freeform enough where there is no wrong way to play. Impressively memorable dungeon design and an ever-changing status quo lend the impression that you’re on a genuine adventure with real stakes. Addictive, endearing, and brimming with heart, Final Fantasy V is a near flawless RPG and one of Square’s finest 16-bit achievements.
Here's that same write-up with pretty pictures and links: https://goombastomp.com/final-fantasy-5-retrospective/

So I went to work at sea and spent my first summer working out of a small island and this place has a hotel that does Sunday brunch.
I was excited and decided to check it out since I was in the mood for eating like a king.
I come in sit down blah blah, and get my coffee and buffet.
Waiting on my coffee this guy who screams "Im a rich New Yorker SIMBA" sits down and immediately "Wow this ice water is WARM it's Alaska it should be COLD ICE COLD!"
Mine was ice cold and his had more ice than mine even. The waitress got him more ice, she asked if he wanted drinks. He demanded alcohol and she said that they can serve only wines that are low alcohol. He complains again "WINE ONLY!? THIS IS ALASKA I WANT SOMETHING STRONG ALASKA STRONG!"
I'm annoyed I just wanna eat, food is good and I'm doing Au Jus shots as this guy is wining about the crab saying "THIS IS ALASKAN KING CRAB I NEEDS TO BE BIG! I'M BEING RIPPED OFF THIS PLACE ISNT LUXURY ITS GARBAGE BACK HOME ALAKSAN CRAB LEGS ARE BIG YA HEAR ME BIG!"
I finished my food happily and the waitress who kept my coffee full got my empty plates immediately etc and good service I decide to leave a nice tip.
Usually tips are 8% suggested aka $5 for my meal. I put $20 down because I was treated very well and food was amazing.
I get up and walk away when the tourist speaks one last time "HEY HEY HEY (snaps fingers) YA LEFT $20 ARE YOU CRAZY!? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING A TIP!? YA DO NOT HAVE TO YA KNOW KEEP YOUR MONEY THESE PEOPLE DONT DESERVE A TIP YA KNOW!? WHY YOU SHOULD DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK! THEY ARENT GOOD AND YOU SHOULD INFORM PEOPLE ON THE CRUSIE SHIP THAT THIS IS A 1 STAR RESTAURANT BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I tuned him out, I'm angrier now....this son of a bitch...was on the cruise ship....that put my ship....on the FAR side of the island where it smells like cat food...
I just calmly, flatly, but loud enough said " SHUT THE FUCK UP." he was shocked "yyyou" was all he could sputter I turned to a very scared waitress, I thanked her and told her "Have a nice day miss, it was really good."

A caveat: all of my Swiss Army Knives are strictly for urban carry. Although I have enjoyed the great outdoors in the past, right now its not something I have time for.

When I bought my first Swiss Army Knife, I was dazzled by the tools and the options. I bought a 4-layer Tinker Deluxe, because I thought “there’s no way I can live without scissors and teeny tiny pliers,” and almost to prove people wrong that its “too large to hold or pocket carry”, because I’m a giant and have giant hands and pockets. I love the Tinker Deluxe, and when I carry it with my wallet, I barely notice it in my pocket. I find it comfortable to use, and think the wide variety of tools in neat.
My second knife was a 111mm Adventurer, simply to test the waters of the 111mm range. The large profile of the knife was a perfect fit for my hands, and I began to see why people like 2 layer knives – they’re simple. They do what you ask them to do, the tools are easy to find and draw, and they do sit slim in your pocket. I love my Adventurer… even if the blade size is probably better suited for wilderness applications than urban carry (I haven’t been in any situations where I’ve needed a huge blade in town).
My third knife was the Skipper. After my love for the Adventurer, I thought I’d go for the awesome combo of pliers and inline Phillips screw driver. As it turns out, I absolutely hate it. I have actual regret for purchasing it. Its cumbersome and uncomfortable to carry and hold, and the tools are fiddly to deploy.
Overall you can see my general attitude towards SAKs has been “bigger is better”.
Then, I bought the Sportsman, and it all changed.
I had looked at the 84mm knives before and just assumed they were tiny little ineffective tools. People saying “tinker small is the best knife ever” seemed so ridiculous, because the standard 2 layer tinker already seemed so small and flimsy…
However, I really wanted a knife with a nail file. My nails are super crappy and often peel or chip, and instead of biting them all the time, I’ve found filing them to be really effective at keeping them functional. In addition, I wanted a cheap knife to take travelling with me to Indonesia, on the off chance that customs stopped me and took my knife. I didn’t want to lose my more expensive Tinker Deluxe or Skipper..
This little bad boy was with me all day every day for 4 weeks while on vacation, and it’s my new favourite knife.
Why do I love this knife?
It’s small, but not as small as I thought. Compared to my 91mm, it’s still a reasonably large and solid knife that fits my hand well. In addition, because of its reduced weight its very comfortable to just hold with your fingers (Left Tinker; Right Sportsman) for doing delicate work like cutting strings or thin packaging. The blade is almost the same size as a 91mm too, and the difference is barely noticeable when you’re cutting things with it (unlike the difference from 91mm to 111mm, which is HUGE). In addition, its supremely fidgetable. There’s something satisfying about the size and shape of this knife that make it a pure pleasure to just twirl around and handle.

It’s the perfect size for your pocket. I spent a lot of time with empty pockets. While my Tinker Deluxe slots into my pocket alongside my wallet perfectly, if I’ve got empty pockets, the bulk and shape of the knife becomes very apparent. If I’m rolling around on the ground with my toddler, the Tinker Deluxe can be quite the painful obstruction to roll over. The Sportsman is super light, lays flat, and is barely noticeable. Instead of taking my SAK out, the Sportsman was ALWAYS on my, which mean I used it a lot.

It broke my Phillips-head dependency. So far I’ve been sure to buy knives with Philips screwdrivers on them. I don’t drink wine, and I do like to tinker with things, so it seemed natural. While I was away I purchased some pedestal fans for the place we were staying, and I was surprised at how easily the can-openescrewdriver handled the Philips head screws on the two fans. In addition, I used the corkscrew to unpick a string, AND, I (purchased separately) used the mini driver to tighten one of the screws on my glasses that had worked itself almost completely loose (its funny that I never have to do this, but thankfully when it did happen on holidays, I was prepared). I guess, if I didn’t have access to the mini-driver, I might still choose the backspring Phillips, because the shape of the can opener prevents you from accessing even slightly recessed screws… but, with the mini-driver, it really is a case of “two new tools” (corkscrew and mini), or “more of the same” (another screwdriver. Yippee).

It's got a nail file. (Photo) As I said, nail files are really useful if you have bad like me. It’s also quite an aggressive file, and would probably deal with quite a variety of materials with no trouble. In addition, I’ve always been bothered by the second smaller blade on Swiss Army Knives as it feels like a complete waste of space for me. Maybe if I was roughing it in the wild, using my small blade to carve wood or something, I might appreciate having two blades… but in the city, I have never cared for the two. On my Tinker Deluxe I exclusively use the large blade. People talk about keeping one clean and one dirty, or one working sharp and the other surgical sharp… but these are all people struggling to find a reason for two knives. Look at all the lovers of the Compact, or the devoted of the Church of Alox – all these people easily gave up two blades, and never looked back. Heck - I used to carry just a single bladed folding knife, that didn’t even come with a toothpick or a screwdriver, and I got by just fine.

Its clean and simple to use. Like all 2 layer SAKs, it’s easy to find the tools you need, and its easy to access them.


I love it. Its light, cheap, easy to use, easy to carry, and adequately served my needs while away. It’s a fantastic knife, and if you’ve not tried the 84mm line up I strongly encourage you to do so.
My wife has never taken an interested in my Swiss Army Knives, but after seeing it in action on vacation, she actually asked if she could keep it in her handbag.
That’s okay… it’s given me the justification I needed to order another very similar knife…


If you liked my review, please check out my previous reviews:
91mm Tinker Deluxe
111mm Adventurer
111mm Skipper

My mother passed of Cancer in May. I found myself lost. I felt isolated and alone, in a world that was not home. My family had moved to England after they had me, but my father moved back to Japan shortly after, due to falling into a depression brought on by a mixture of homesickness and his inability to find a job. That was thanks to his struggle with speaking English, and no one would hire him. He split with my mother upon moving back, so when she passed, I had no family left.
To honour her memory, and hope to find a sense of peace again, I decided to move back to her home town, Okinoshima, on the Oki Islands (Shimane prefecture). I found myself on a small, private hire boat just a few months later with two others plus the captain and his crew. Each person had a small room with a bed and a nightstand to themselves, but considering the size of our vessel, it seemed as if the bed would burst out of the walls of the room. I spent most of our month long journey in my assigned room, reminiscing and grieving. I loved everything about my mother. She was kind, and loving to all creatures and had an immense love for the ocean - hence why I decided to take a month long boat trip rather than a twenty-one hour plane. Little bit dramatic in hindsight, I know, but I needed a lifestyle break. My mother had always wanted a career in marine biology, but had never made her dream come true for various reasons I won't get into. Mostly familial. Mammals were her favourite, with whales in particular. Even on her death bed she always insisted the nurses let her listen to whale calls to help her rest, but they weren't ordinary whale calls. She once let me listen to her tape when I was little and was struggling to sleep for weeks on end after my parents divorce. The calls had something else in them: a sense of eternity, and a feeling of hope, love and loss all at once. Noises that would put you in a state of solitude, and would wake you feeling as if you had already lived a thousand lives and had just been reborn.
She put the tape in her will; stating that only her child (me), and my children were allowed to listen to the tape. After my children passed, it was to be destroyed. Wishing I had a chance to talk to her about it, I spent most of the first two weeks listening to it over, and over again. It was the only thing that could break me from my grief, even for a split second.
Until the last week on board, when we entered the East Sea. Honestly, I'm not sure what changed, but it was as if I had been splashed awake after a deep sleep. I began to spend every second watching the ocean, right up until we encountered the storm. It wasn't a rough storm, however it was enough to knock our petite boat around, risking the safety of those onboard. We were advised to stay in our cabins, but I refused. A new feeling of peace instilled within my soul, I felt connected to the storm and embraced every drop of rain that touched my skin. With the winds battering our sails, and desperately trying to steer the ship off-course, our captain fought with all his might. Rain felt like gunshots while splashes from the sea were stronger than any man you've ever met. So strong that I was swept overboard.
In a frenzy of waves and desperation I clung onto anything I could, clawing at the railings on the edge of the boat while everyone else shouted, screamed, and ran over desperately, but I slipped. My grip wasn't strong enough and I was tugged beneath the water. I tried everything I could to stay afloat, but every time I got to an arms reach of the surface another current would pull me back under. Adrenaline could only last so long though, and I quickly began to lose all strength within me, submitting to nature's will. I panicked, feeling more fear than I ever had in my entire life, praying to Gods that I didn't even know existed to help me out of this situation. I quickly lost hope, and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, savouring my last breath, all I saw was my mother. The last of my oxygen bubbling up around the imagine of her in her prime. Before chemo. When she was still happy. The light flickered from my eyes and all I could feel was guilt. I became one with the water. It's endlessness and I were all we had. A void of empty nothing. Pressure consumed me on all sides and a ringing sounded throughout my ears - similar to that of a trainline. Any consciousness I had left screamed throughout my head in an attempt to burst my skull.
A school of fish darted past me, and circled back. How deep was I?
I stared around in the deep silence for what seemed like an eternity until a light emerged. Thousand of fish, both tiny and as big as a shark, and following it… a whale. A whale emanating a beautiful blue aura, surrounded by glimmering fish. They swam around me, beginning to rip small chunks out of my skin until the whale urged closer and began to sing. Almost a cry of pain, and the fish darted away. It was a call I recognised, and had grown to love. The call on my mother's tape. As the whale grew ever so closer, and it's figure became clear through the ominously dark waters, I noticed it's skin was transparent, and it contained no organs. All that was visibly solid were its bones. Huge white masses, each one the size of my body. It was terrifyingly beautiful, and though I should've felt fear, I was filled with a sense of comfort. The whale recognised me, as I recognised it. It felt my mother's blood within me, and fought off any aquatic creature that sought out to harm me as I lingered on my last breath. I don't know how I survived for so long. It felt as if time slowed down, or maybe the whale helped me to hold the remaining oxygen with me. I had never been a frequent swimmer, but I knew my mother had dived without oxygen tanks for her whole life. Despite the whales docile behaviour I could tell it was not usually so calm. Gashes lined its skeleton like something from a museum. Cold turned to warmth as the dangerous, unnatural being reached within an arms length from me, and my eyes began to close. Desperately, I took in the scene for the last time, and remembered my mother - my lifeline.
And in that moment the whale changed course towards me. Its bones creaking and cracking as it crashed into me from below. With overwhelming strength, it threw me towards the surface in an effortless flick of its tail, and before I knew it, I was above the current. Waves became less murderous and I found the boat just 20 feet away.
Immediately, the crew spotted me and turned the vessel in my direction. Somehow, I floated with ease until I was heaved on board. The rest of the trip was a blur, and now I write this from my new house. One that feels more like home than England ever did, despite it's many, many flaws. Following in my mother's legacy I took up freediving, searching for the whale every day for 5 months until I almost gave up hope.
Last night I found her. She greeted me like an old friend.

"Why won't you come with me?" Andrea's voice whined down the phone in the tone she always adopted when she wasn't getting her way. "C'mon… please? Everyone else is busy..."
"I already told you, I'm not going back to another one of your shitty dive clubs. Remember last time when I nearly got my eye gouged out in the moshpit? I had to take a week off work."
"So what if you got your bell rung for the first time, you really want to die without any scars? Besides, do you have any idea how hard it was to get these tickets? I had to pay some random street guy double just to get us in the door."
"Well, what's the big deal about this place, then? Why's it so exclusive?"
"Suck Shaft."
"What?"
"Suck Shaft, they're opening. Headliner's some local hick but everyone's going to see Suck Shaft, it's their first gig in like ten years or something. How in the fuck have you never heard of Suck Shaft?"
"Andrea, can you please stop saying 'Suck Shaft' for a minute… let me think…"
"Look, are you coming or not? We'll be in and out in two hours, Tom, I promise. You'll be no worse off for work tomorrow, might even have something interesting to say around the water cooler, ay?"
"Fine... As long as we're only staying for the opener."
"Great! Pick me up at six."
beep
I pulled up outside Andrea's house to find her sitting impatiently on the doorstep and she eagerly bounded over and hopped inside.
"Are you as excited as I am?!" She asked giddily, looking at me with her make-up-caked face. She presented two little white tickets and passed one over. "This is gonna be a night to remember!"
"Yeah, whatever… Two hours, then I'm going home, so don't fuck around, okay?" I put the car in gear and departed from the pavement. "I mean it, Andrea. I can't mess up with this job right now."
"Jeeeez, you're such a stick in the mud…" She groaned dramatically as her eyes rolled back into her head.
As we drove slowly down the decrepit street which was home to the run-down venue I was immediately shocked at just how busy it really was. A swarm of patrons all waiting to get inside mobbed the sidewalk and spilled over into the street. After a tedious fifteen minutes of creeping around, I eventually managed to squeeze the car into a tiny space two streets over.
It was freezing but I gave Andrea my jacket anyway after catching a few passive aggressive 'brrrrr's' as we walked side-by-side to the club.
"Why didn't you just bring your own coat?"
"Well, I didn't know we'd have to park like a hundred fucking miles away, did I?"
"What if it's cold inside? You consider that one, genius?"
"We won't be cold for very long," She shot me a sly wink as she dug into her back pocket and held up a baggie containing two tiny pills stamped with a smiling alien. "Roll with me?"
I looked into her big green pleading puppy dog eyes and found myself unable to say no. That and it had been a while since I'd gotten my hands on some decent ecstasy. Andrea always got good X.
"I'll take half. Remember I still have to get us both home in one piece after this." I said in a defeated voice, but secretly I was excited for the first time that day.
"Yay!" Andrea hopped up and clicked the heels of her Nikes at me. "This is gonna be great!"
She pulled the bag open and bit half a pill, handing me the other half. Then, without any hesitation, she slammed the other full one down too before flashing her tongue at me the way I imagine they make the patients do at mental hospitals after med time.
"For fuck's sake, Andrea. Really? You said two hours. In two hours' time you're gonna be completely gone, I'll probably have to carry you through the dance floor, prise your fingers off the stage just to get you out the door with me."
"A promise is a promise." She booped my nose condescendingly the way you might a small child. I always hated when she did that, endearing as it was. "When it's over, it's over. I won't hold you back."
"I hope not." I'd gotten the pill down quickly, but that bitter taste still permeated the surface of my tongue and a little at the back of my throat. "I really hope not..."
We rounded the corner and joined the back of the line and found ourselves relieved that it was moving relatively quickly. I stood on my toes and got a decent look at the action up front. The bouncer wasn't even really checking the tickets, just a nod in acknowledgement at whatever random white paper was being presented. This prompted me to check the one in my pocket.
It was riddled with typos. I held it up to Andrea and she looked at me as if I was from Mars.
"What?"
"You paid double for fake tickets?"
"Yeah, so what? They'll get us in, won't they?"
"Jesus, Andrea. I swear, two hours and then we're leaving. Okay? This is gonna be a nightmare to get away from, look how busy this fucking street is, it's all because of these fake ticket scalping fucks..."
The ecstasy had begun to take effect and I couldn't help but feel a little shame for just how hard my half a pill was already kicking my ass. I looked over at Andrea for the first time since we'd joined the queue, of which was quickly packed behind us as we gradually approached the front, boxing us in. She was chewing voraciously at her bottom lip. I put my arm around her shoulder reassuringly and she turned to me with her big wobbly pupils. The vibrant green of her irises almost obscured by them.
"We will get in, right? Won't we?" She asked with a sort of desperation that I understood. I'd had a 'bad' X trip before when my plans got cancelled and I'd taken too much, ended up milling around my apartment hugging pillows and gnawing at my toothbrush. I pictured Andrea disappointedly sitting on her couch while she ferociously stroked her cat with hardstyle blasting through her TV speakers.
"Yeah, I think we'll get in. Don't worry." She pulled me closer to her and we embraced. Usually that took an hour or two but the clear overdose had ramped up the process. "Are you sure you're okay to go in here? You shouldn't have done all that at once."
"Oh, y-yeah" She chattered at me through her clenched teeth. She broke away for a second and yelled into the crowd behind us.
"SUCK SHAFT! WOOO!"
She was met with a rallying cry of about two dozen other people who were also prematurely wasted. With a pleased giggle she took my arm again and snuggled in, which was a relief because it was so damn cold on that sidewalk. We got close to the front and I whispered into Andrea's ear.
"Look, just keep your head down and don't look at the bouncer. If he sees how fucked up you are he won't let us in, okay?"
"Okey-doke…"
"Gimme your ticket."
I took her ticket and approached the big man by the door as Andrea half-hid behind me. No words were exchanged, barely even a look. He grabbed our tickets, and in we went.
"Here's your jacket back." Andrea thrust my knockoff leather jacket towards me and I put it back on, knowing that it'd eventually just become a hindrance in the heat. I followed closely behind as we descended the sickly white painted concrete stairwell, already littered with cigarette butts and empty bottles and vomit possibly from the night before. The music was getting louder as we got closer to the underground set. Thick swathes of bass resonated in the walls and in the floor and the ceiling and I felt myself come alive.
The stairs ended after a few turns and Andrea took my hand and led me into the packed crowd, all moving sinuously to the beat. I felt a jab in my ribs but I didn't care. We were somewhere close to the stage, but I couldn't tell where. My vision flickered and moved with my body as I danced with Andrea, every so often taking an accidental shove from a stranger and giving out a few of my own. That moment, I don't know how long it lasted, but it was the last time I was ever truly happy.
I brushed it off at first, something being shouted that looking back, I know must have been 'fire'. I just didn't want to believe it. Then, when the dancefloor broke its rhythm and people began to push into us towards the exit, I realized what was happening. Andrea looked into my eyes and I could see she knew it too, that rapturous joy snuffed out by terror. When the real world creeps into the fantasies we use to escape, turning them foul forever.
The music was still blaring, but the stage was empty. Smoke trickled out from behind it. Screams began to overtake the bass as people crammed in beside us, all running in the same direction. The lit single door exitway was in near darkness spare a few gaps that weren't full of people squeezing through. It was utter chaos.
All around us the ones who'd fallen over were stepped on in the scramble, I could hear their bones snapping under the weight of frantic footfalls and their pained reactions as they gasped their last breaths before giving in. Several men and women were actively shoving people back, throwing elbows and punches with others retaliating and then succumbing to the trampling themselves. We managed to reach the exit door leading to the stairs, but as I squeezed myself through Andrea's wrist got caught in the doorframe and was shattered by the incoming horde pushing through the cramped doorway three at a time. She screamed, shrieked out, and then was lost. I didn't look back, I was overcome with an unbearable rage. I stood in that doorway and I kicked out hard, knocking at least a dozen people back into the club, which was now entirely ablaze as flames engulfed the stage rendered near invisible by the thick black smoke.
I wasn't giving anything close to a fuck. I jerked my elbows into noses, I yanked back two womem ahead of me and they tumbled backwards down the stairs into the fiery oblivion below. I kicked and I punched and I shoved and I think I even bit a guy at one point, until eventually, I managed to wriggle through the open door and into the night air as sirens screeched down the street towards the scene. I looked back over my shoulder at the carnage as other escapees of the blaze rushed past me to safety. I did too, except I didn't stop running.
I got in my car and I drove home.
Fifty-three people died in that club that night. Seventy were injured, many in ways that'll surely have made their lives a living hell since. Andrea. I'm not sure if Andrea died in the crush or under some fucker's boot or if the smoke got her, or the fire. All I know is that she didn't make it. I just hope it was quick. Oh, fuck, how I hope it was quick... I look back and it's like I can see her lying there by that jammed up door with her wrist all bent backwards with the bone sticking out while she pleads, begs, the other people there to help her. Everyone ignored her. I ignored her.
I don't like to think about it. I can't. So I don't. I moved away. Nobody knows I was there, or what I did. I know I'll never forget it, though. I know that I'll never forgive myself.

Guys, for the love of God don't wait a week before you address your constipation.
If you know how your bowels work and how to keep things going smoothly, you can ignore this. Or if you normally only go once a week and you aren't having problems, disregard.
But everyone else: a good rule of thumb is not to go more than 2 days without a bowel movement, especially while you're on semaglutide. There's just no reason to wait longer.
Food is going through your digestive tract more slowly now. That includes all the way through the colon, and the colon is where the body draws water out of the liquid stool that was in your small intestines. The longer it's in the colon the more water is drawn out. If stool is sitting in your colon for a week (while you keep eating), it will become hard as a rock and compacted. Every day it gets harder and drier.
So after 2-3 days without a BM, take a stool softener. For most people, this fixes the problem before it becomes a bigger problem.
If that's not effective, take another one 12 hours later, or move on to a laxative. If no BM by the next day, try the laxative - for most people mag citrate will be enough. By day 5, if you are definitely feeling the it now, pull out the big guns - enemas or mag sulfate (food grade Epsom salts - it will say on the bag if it can be used as a laxative and how). Or ask your doctor or pharmacist for help.
If by day 5 you've tried all the things and still no BM, talk to your Dr and tell them what you've tried. But the above sequence will sort almost everyone out.
By the time you've gone a week without a BM, it's already hard and dry and compacted in there and there's generally no way to get it out comfortably. Just don't get to that point.
Products: docusate is a stool softener that is generally well tolerated, gentle, cheap, and effective. There are others, and stool softeners are generally not habit forming. Stool softeners are different than laxatives.
Some people find that regularly taking a fiber supplement, like psyllium husk, Metamucil, or fiber gummies to be helpful with keeping them regular. IF YOU ARE TAKING METAMUCIL OR SIMILAR, YOU HAVE TO DRINK ENOUGH WATER OR IT TURNS INTO A SAWDUST BRICK IN YOUR INTESTINES. Not literally, but nearly.
Laxatives can be habit forming (senna, some enemas, bisacodyl) and shouldn't be used regularly. Miralax shouldn't be used regularly without talking to your doctor.
Paradoxically, if you are constipated your body might try to correct itself and flush the colon, and you'll have diarrhea (often, it's after eating.The liquid stool can actually go around the hard stool.) If you've been constipated a few days (or longer) and suddenly have liquid stool, pay attention to how you feel. Do you actually feel unconstipated? If so, great! If not, if you still feel bloated and uncomfortable, keep monitoring. You might still need a laxative.
Hydration: all the water in the world won't help some causes of constipation. You can drink 1.5 gallons a day and still get constipated. You certainly do need enough water for your body, but hydration alone won't cure or prevent constipation unless dehydration is/was the cause of it. And for most semaglutide users, slower bowel transit is the cause.
Tl;dr: If you think you might be getting constipated, keep addressing it - always sooner rather than later. If you go a week without pooping (and that's not your normal), you will probably have a rough time.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical provider. Discuss any of these issues with your doctor; this is for educational purposes only.