Moved back home after 5years abroad. I was unhappy and clinged to one person to make my life better there. He made it worse. I left him (he left me).
I found a good job and am passing my drivings test soon. Doing all the things that I wanted to do and didn't have the motivation for in this other country. I am spending time with my beautiful, beautiful family. We have been through so much together and are now super strong as a whole.
I am an aunt, a sister, a daughter. Nobody in my family suffers from anything, they're all doing great and I love them. I am beyond grateful they gave me a chance to prove to them that they are important to me, since I spent most of my teenage years ignoring and fighting them. They were nasty at times too but, I figure now it was because I valued everyone else over them.
I did all of the things that were supposed to make me better and happier yet when everyone leaves I feel this emptiness and deep sadness. Why am I like this? Why do I miss someone who gave me nothing but words and empty promises? I know, I know, there's a perfect scientific, pscyhological explanation as to why we cling to these harmful feelings. I have done my homework. I did the work. Yet, when I think about him and remember how he looked at me, I still believe it wasn't all in my head. That cannot be.
If someone is capable of such deceit, how am I ever gonna be able to trust someone again.
What a fool I've been. Haha. Jokes on me

Why did I let my friend convince me to take all that chocolate home, why??? I have no self control.
I ate 2700 total yesterday, but at least I worked out burning 300 calories. To maintain my weight I’d need to eat 1700 daily calories, so I’m trying to eat 1200 until I’m at my goal weight. All week I’ve eaten more than 1200 daily, though I’ve managed to at least keep it below 1700 which I usually consider a win! But the problem with having flexibility in your daily deficit is that then there is a lot less wiggle room for going into a surplus one day. Because I wasn’t strict during the week, plus the major overeating last night, my total deficit for the week is only like 1000 calories instead of closer to 3500.
I did one-hour workouts 5 days this week and was gonna take today as a rest day, but I guess I probably should go again today to try to offset some of the surplus. Ughhh my muscles are really sore too. I know I have nobody but myself to blame, but god damn sometimes I wish I could ask my friends to not even tempt me with things like buying me chocolate for the love of god!! But I can’t because they’re sensitive about weight and dieting, so I’ve never even told them I’m doing all this. I don’t think they even realize I’ve lost 40 pounds (bmi of 31 to bmi of 25). It’s been such a huge part of my life this past year and they have no idea. I just need to be better about not giving in when people offer me things I didn’t budget for. God fucking dammit.

Anyone like wearing comfy? But most girls love to dress up including my friends lmao I don’t enjoy wearing skimpy because it feels awkward .. and I also have the mindset of if I don’t look my best, why bother dressing up? Though it’s fun but I feel awkward lmao but this would work better if I already had a friend or did it in my first year.
I kinda wanna study something IT or tech related in University. sometimes I wish I was a guy instead because their fashion is more simple and it’s easier to fit in? But I don’t wanna hang out with guys because I feel like a lot of them r kinda creepy… Ngl it’s kinda expensive to be a girl, especially in this gen

i've been dating her for 4 months close to 5 months and its an online relationship. i really love her, i've never been so loved by a person, she have anger issue so whenever she gets mad by my goofy behaviour i always try to change myself, i think i've changed myself for her for 3 times, though she try to hold her anger for me eventhough she still gets mad me i always stay calm with it even if i cried myself to sleep after her talking shits bout me, i loved her and i thought she did too. 3-5 day ago she called her male friend darling and wore his belt as a choker she said its normal cuz they're very closed i knew it would end up badly but didn't think much of it and the next day somewhere near afternoon she send 2 min vm telling that she's sorry and that she make out with her male friend. "he was biting my neck and i couldn't think straight, this online relationship is making me crave physical touch, i love you and im sorry, i should've been a better gf". im already dealing with mental problems but after that conversation ive became beyond fuck and the worse thing is i cant talk bout it to anyone to make me feel better unlike her she have friends that she could talk to everyday and i got no one that would listen or try to understand my feelings not my friend and not even my family, i kept crying myself to sleep and i kept craving her love and attention this past few days i know its a stupid thing to do. like if she actually love me then why r u doing this to me, if my love worth everything then why just why, was it worth it, the quick pleasure was it good. i've blocked her earlier cuz someone commented to do it on my other post and i feel regret cuz i seriously want to talk to her and spend time with her but she seems like she's distancing herself from me. i really loved her, i could've become a better person to her. i have completely lost myself. sorry for talking too much

I don’t have autism however since I have PTSD I closely relate a lot because I suddenly can’t interpret people’s intentions, meaning, emotions, etc. This didn’t happen before…
Anyways. So I struggle to understand what happened…
I was forming a friendship at work, however I struggled with intense PTSD triggers. This “friend” was very kind and supportive, she was all green flags and amazing in all ways.
A last conflict happened at work, me turning down an upgrade because I got triggered during the interview and was not able to trust the people anymore. This friend took the interviewers side by saying I was exaggerating and I felt really dismissed. Since then I had the feeling she many times didn’t believe what I was telling her, she started pulling away and she started being a bit hostile if I would ask for help.
Previously, she asked me if I would keep her into my life when I didn’t want to talk to people, and had told me she was going to be there in good and bad times. She wanted to help me, and did so.
She argued that my emotions and reaction not her responsibility, and that I acted too defensive to her, that my long texts annoyed her (when I would be triggered). In fact, she was responsible for me, and I had tried to tell her in all ways I didn’t want the interview process to continue.
She said it to let it go and forget about it, I had agreed. Because I continued feeling really uneasy and consequently be retraumatized, I wrote her a letter with the help of my psychologist.
Ultimately we phoned a month later, her yelling at me that she was done with me, with my letter, my defensiveness, my long texts, and basically everything of me and that I wasn’t picking up the signal that she was distancing and not willing to talk to me. That she was also tired of my long texts (alright it’s on me, but didn’t have the mental space to work on it yet), and that she was also done with the first letter I sent asking her if she was willing to work towards a friendship (on her request after me being unable to say it). That she was done with my anxiety, etc. It was like she had lost all trust on me.
Basically it was only left she would have said she hated me.
At the end here I am re-traumatized, without a friend I had invested a ton of effort into. She won’t take accountability about it, “it’s my problem” and she’s not responsible with my interpretation or my emotions, as she said. My defensiveness turns out to be part of my PTSD traumatic reactions…. (I would also fawn the entire time). She doesn’t want to understand I’m afraid.
But now what?
I don’t understand why she is behaving this way. I am heartbroken, since she was one of the two people I was trying to become friends with. I don’t get it. Forget I ever try to be friends with someone ever again.

Have you ever met someone who had a truly unique talent or skill? What was it?

Looking at it now, actually standing on the edge, it really is a long way down. Being here reminds me of those times in the playground, ready to travel down the slide, feeling so high up that I was like the king of the world. Yeah, that's how it feels right now, alright. King of the fucking world. The river rushes by below, its perpetual noise almost overpowering my car radio blaring through the open driver door. All I have to do is let go and take that last step. The last thing I'll ever have to do. Jump. Why is it so difficult? I want this, I need this. Yet everything inside is screaming 'STOP!' Just shuffle forward, close your eyes, and forget everything that came before, because everything ahead is rendered null in this one single action. Just jump. It's that simple, Tim. Just jump.
"Hey!"
A shout sounds out over my shoulder, calling to me. I turn and see the guy poking his head through the open window in the opposite lane from my parked car.
"You okay, man?" He yells over my blaring radio, face full of concern. His intervention is unwelcome. I never did like good Samaritans. "Don't do it, there's so much to live for…"
"Oh, are you talking to me?" I reply, wiping the sweat from my forehead, still perched on the bridge's ledge. "I'm fine! Just practicing my yoga poses!"
The man in his car pauses for a moment, confused, before saying something else that I don't quite get over the sound of the nearby river and Metallica blasting through my open door. Then, he slowly pulls away. Gone forever down the road. I take one last look at the river below before I step away from the edge and get back into my car, turning the volume down from its maximum setting.
The mood is ruined.

Hey all, been studying stoicism for a few months and my family and I are on a trip in Europe. I personally did a lot of research into the landmarks, history, and language to come here so I am very excited. My family didn’t do much research but that’s not the point I’m going to make; I have been a little bit overly excited and acting a little rash and rude when they do not know about some of the major sights or histories. How would a stoic deal with the desire to explain or lecture why somebody should do something as you did instead of what they chose or are going to do?

This post was inspired by u/garbageslutt 's post a few days ago. Since I have a little time on my hands, I've decided to reflect on my undergrad experience here and share a couple of opinions on the courses I took. Hopefully, future students will find this post helpful. For each course, I will share the course average, my opinion on the difficulty (on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the most difficult) and my opinion on the overall quality of the course (also on a scale of 1-5 with 5 indicating a course I enjoyed a lot). My difficulty ranking is relative to other courses on this list, and your experience may vary depending on the instructor.
YEAR 1 (Fall 2019-Winter 2020, fall term fully in person, winter term online after March)
ECO101H1-F (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 3.5)
This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I enjoyed this course. The course material was pretty interesting and the lecturer (Michael Ho) was pretty good. Concepts were straightforward and the math required was pretty trivial. The only downside is that the tests were quite long and a little unreasonable for a first year course.
HPS120H1-F (Average: B, Difficulty: 1.5, Quality: 3)
I took this course to satisfy my BR2 requirement and wasn't expecting much out of it. The course was less boring than I expected though. The course instructor (Fermin Fulda) was very knowledgeable on the subject and the evaluations were fair. I didn't really enjoy the last part of the course material, but that's just because I don't really enjoy biology at all.
HPS210H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 1, Quality: 2)
I also took this course to finish my breadth requirements. This course was very boring, but very easy. The lecturer (Brian Baigrie) mostly reads off his slides (which are just paragraphs copied from his book). He wrote the course textbook himself, but forces us to buy it using Tophat. This course was basically a "pay to get good marks" course.
MAT137Y1-Y (Average: C+, Difficulty: 5, Quality: 5)
This was the hardest first year course I took by far. The material was very interesting though and the instructor (Asif Zaman) was amazing. The problem sets are hard, but we got a lot of time to do them, so its manageable if you start early.
MAT223H1-F (Average: C+, Difficulty: 2.5, Quality: 3)
This is one of the easiest math courses I took in all four years. The material is pretty boring but very important for upper year courses. My instructor was a pretty monotone grad student. Tests were fair and straightforward as long as you did the practice tests posted. This was one of the few courses where the posted practice tests were harder than the actual tests (instead of the other way around).
CSC108H1-S (Average: B+, Difficulty: 1.5, Quality: 4)
A very beginner friendly (and practical) introductory coding course. I went into the course with no programming experience and got a really good mark. The instructor (Paul Gries) was very nice and very active on Piazza. Assignments are long if you've never coded before, but we got a lot of time to work on them. Workload is manageable if you start assignments early.
ECO102H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 2.5)
This course was very boring and made me change my mind about taking more ECO courses in the future. The instructor's (Nathaniel Vellekoop) lectures were okay, but pretty boring. Like ECO101, the tests were unreasonably long.
MUS111H1-S (Average: B, Difficulty: 1.5, Quality: 3)
I took this course because I had background knowledge in classical music. The course was okay, but I found MUS207 to be more interesting (I'll talk more about that course later). Exams were fair and the essay was marked quite leniently. I'm not a good writer and I got a decent mark in this course.
STA130H1-S (Average: B, Difficulty: 1.5, Quality: 3.5)
This course is an introduction to R, which is used quite frequently in upper year STA courses. It isn't that important because R is covered/reviewed in upper year courses, but its a good introduction for students with little/no coding experience. The instructor (Liza Bolton) was good at explaining concepts and I enjoyed her lectures. The only thing that sucked about this course was the mandatory two hour tutorials that were pretty useless.
YEAR 2 (Fall 2020-Winter 2021, online)
ACT240H1-F (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3.5, Quality: 3.5)
The whole course is on the time value of money. If you understand the first third of the course well, you should be able to get a decent mark. The test format is what makes this course tricky. The tests are long and mostly multiple choice. One wrong intermediate step and you may get 0 on a 10 point question. Regular practice to ensure computational speed and accuracy is key to success in this course.
MAT224H1-F (Average: C+, Difficulty: 5, Quality: 3.5)
This course was surprisingly difficult for me (I guess I'm not much of an algebra person). It's easy to underestimate the difficulty of the course because a lot of the concepts are similar to those in 223. The course moves at a much faster pace than 223 and is pretty proof heavy.
MAT237Y1-Y (Average: B, Difficulty: 5, Quality: 5)
My thoughts on this course are pretty similar to my thoughts on 137 (probably because the coordinator was the same). The jump from 137 to 237 is much less overwhelming than the jump from high school to 137. The level of rigour for the two courses is roughly the same, but the notation in 237 is a little more messy. A good course to take if you enjoyed 137.
MGT201H1-F (Average: A-, Difficulty: 1, Quality: 3)
Highest course average I've seen in my four years here. The course is basically just high school accounting. Easy course with very trivial math.
STA257H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 4, Quality: 3)
This course is not as rigorous as the course description suggests. If you took 137, you should be fine with the proofs. The instructor (Katherine Daignault) was okay, but I did not like here quizzes. There were a lot of "which statements are true" type questions with tricky wording. You need to be study definitions and concepts very carefully to do well on the quizzes. The tests were challenging but not unfair.
ACT245H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 1.5, Quality: 2.5)
This is the easiest of the three second year ACT courses (and honestly quite useless). The first part of the course material (duration and convexity) never appears in upper year courses. The bulk of the course is on options, but all of the important option concepts (binomial model, black scholes) are not covered until ACT370. The only thing I remember from this course is "buy low, sell high, make profit".
ACT247H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 4.5, Quality: 3.5)
This is the hardest of the three second year ACT courses. A good understanding of ACT240 and STA257 is required. The tricky part of this course is that there are a lot of new notations and formulas. Most of the formulas are not super complicated to use or prove, but its easy to forget certain formulas because you learn so many each week.
MUS207H1-S (Average: B+, Difficulty: 1, Quality: 3.5)
Another surprisingly interesting course. I expected the course to be about classical music, but it covered a lot more than that. The professor covered orchestral music in video games, film and television. Most of the required listening was enjoyable to listen to.
STA261H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3.5, Quality: 3.5)
This course was easier than 257 in my opinion. Level of rigour was roughly the same as STA257, but the quizzes were more straightforward. The instructor (Shariar Shams) was a good lecturer and very patient with answering questions in class.
YEAR 3 (Fall 2021-Winter 2022, fall mostly online with one in person final, winter mostly in person)
ACT348H1-F (Average: C+, Difficulty: 4.5, Quality: 3.5)
This course is a continuation of ACT247. The challenges are pretty similar to 247 (lots of formulas and notation). Knowledge of 247 is assumed, so you have to memorize all the new formulas in addition to the basic concepts covered in 247. I recommend doing a lot of practice problems to help with memorizing formulas.
ACT349H1-F (Average: B+, Difficulty: 2, Quality: 2)
I probably can't give an unbiased review about because it was my lowest undergrad grade. The course was not hard, but I wasn't interested in corporate finance at all. The prof (Jason Tome) wasn't very good either. Lectures are supposed to be three hours long, but he lets us out in under two and tells us to read the rest of the slides on our own.
ACT350H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 4, Quality: 4)
I don't think I can give an unbiased opinion about this course either because the instructor (Silvana Pesenti) will be my PhD supervisor starting in September. The course material is a continuation of STA257. The lectures were pretty good, but I didn't like the textbook at all (and it wasn't followed that closely either). My only major complaint about the course is that there were not enough practice problems given. The final exam questions were reasonable but the test was a little too long in my opinion.
ACT390H1-F (Average: *, Difficulty: 1, Quality: 2.5)
This is a pass/fail course and you will pass as long as you do all the course work. The course was taught jointly by professor Samuel Broverman (who writes all the ACT study manuals) and Megan Whitehead (stats department career support person). There's no math in this course at all since this is a career development course. The course is very helpful for those looking for jobs since it covers things like interviews, resumes and cover letters. I personally wasn't very interested in the course since I'm leaning towards staying in academia. The course invites a lot of industry professionals to share their experiences. I didn't really pay much attention to those talks since they were online, but I recommend that you do if you're interested in staying in industry. NOTE: This course does not count towards the 20 FCE needed for graduation (I only discovered this after I finished the course).
STA302H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 3.5)
I think this course had a pretty good mix of theory and coding. Concepts were not too difficult, but the workload was high (lots of assignments). I also took this course with Katherine Daignault, and I think her teaching has improved. Quizzes were still awful, but slightly less wordy.
ACT370H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3.5, Quality: 4)
This course is a continuation of ACT245 (and much more difficult). The course mainly covers options at a medium level of mathematical difficulty. It is much more quantitative than 245, but a lot of the probability theory associated with option pricing (stochastic processes and SDEs) is not covered until ACT460. The course was very interesting in my opinion.
MAT246H1-S (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 4)
A really interesting course in my opinion. Its not very practical if you are not interested in mathematics, but I personally enjoyed the material. This is a proof heavy course, but the proofs are not super complicated. The midterm for this course was pretty easy. The final exam was much harder, but reasonable in length. Problem sets were not as hard as 137, but not easy either.
MAT334H1-S (Average: B, Difficulty: 2.5, Quality: 3)
The theory behind complex variables is very interesting, but the computations are a little tedious. The instructor was a grad student who lectured a little too quickly in my opinion. I was enrolled in a three hour 6-9pm lecture and it was hard to keep up after two hours. The textbook was okay though and it wasn't too difficult to fill in the gaps in my knowledge after class using the book.
STA437H1-S (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3.5, Quality: 3.5)
A very linear algebra heavy stats course. The course had a significant theory component and there were proofs on the midterm and final. Proofs are easier than MAT224, but you may find the course challenging if you only took MAT223. The instructor (Zhou Zhou) did review linear algebra in great detail in the first couple weeks in the course, so don't worry if your linear algebra is a little rusty. The final was worth 55%, so maybe stay away from this course if you don't like exams.
STA457H1-S (Average: B+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 2)
The course material wasn't that bad, but the instructor (Tharshannah Nadarajah) wasn't that good. The course was entirely online and the pre-recorded lecture videos were just him reading off slides that he didn't make (you could tell he didn't make the slides because he struggled to pronounce some of the words on the slide). His tests were not super difficult, but they had typos sometimes (one question had a final answer with negative variance).
YEAR 4 (Fall 2022-Winter 2023, in person except PHY207, which was online with an in person final)
ACT451H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 3)
The instructor (Sheldon Lin) is pretty good, but I didn't find the material that interesting. Tests are open book, but they are pretty long. I suggest making a summary sheet of formulas that you are not planning to memorize. If you need to flip through all the lecture notes and the textbook to find formulas, you will not finish the test.
ACT460H1-F (Average: B+, Difficulty: 5, Quality: 4)
I also took this course with Sheldon Lin. I found this course much more interesting though (and much harder). A good understanding of stochastic processes is required. The course covers option pricing at a pretty high mathematical level (this course is also a cross-listed grad course). There are quite a few eng-sci students in this class and they're all pretty smart, so don't expect any curving up. Only take this course if you are interested in the material and confident in your mathematical abilities. There weren't any proofs on the tests, but I found stochastic differential equations to be quite confusing.
MAT244H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 2.5, Quality: 2.5)
I also found this course to be pretty boring. It's an easy one though (just as easy, if not easier than MAT223). I mainly studied from the textbook and did really well in the course. The textbook is pretty detailed and an easy read.
MAT337H1-F (Average: C-, Difficulty: 5, Quality: 3)
A very heavy workload course. There were four problem sets, each with about 10 graded problems and a longer list of ungraded problems (only 3 of the graded problems actually got graded though). 80% of the midterm and final questions were from the list of ungraded questions (we were told this ahead of time) so you actually need to do the ungraded questions unless you're really good at writing proofs on the spot. The instructor (Ignacio Uriarte Tuero) was not bad and the lectures were recorded. First half of the content overlaps significantly with 137/237, but the problems are much harder. The last part of the course (series of functions) was very difficult in my opinion and I didn't really fully understand it.
STA314H1-F (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3.5, Quality: 3.5)
This course had a mix of theory and coding. There were four assignments, a midterm and a final exam. The assignments had some proofs (most were not too complicated) and coding. The last two assignments were much more coding heavy than the first two, but the instructor (Xin Bing) did provide starter code to help us out a bit. Lectures were pretty good in my opinion. Midterm was mostly straightforward except for the multiple choice. The multiple choice had multiple right answers and we got the mark iff we selected all the right answers and no wrong answers. Final exam was pretty challenging, but not unfair.
ACT452H1-S (Average: B-, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 3)
The course is a continuation of 451 and taught by the same instructor. I don't have much more to say about this course.
ACT455H1-S (Average: *, Difficulty: 4.5, Quality: 3.5)
This is the last course in the life contingencies sequence (247, 348, 455). Instructor was the same as 348 (Andrei Badescu). Lecture notes are a little messy, but he will explain what he wrote during the lecture. Tests are pretty fair and reasonable if you do the problems in the study manual. Usually, one of the problems will be taken directly from the study manual.
ACT466H1-S (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 3)
This course is somewhat related to the loss models courses (451/452), which is why I didn't enjoy it that much. Instructor was Andrei Badescu. I already shared my opinion on his teaching so I don't have much more to say about this course.
APM346H1-S (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 1)
My highest undergrad grade and also my worst course experience. Material is fairly straightforward and you can learn in from the textbook. There were a few simple proofs, but the course is mostly very tedious computation. The instructor (I.M. Sigal) was a horrible lecturer. I understood very little of his lectures. There were weekly in person quizzes, so we were kind of forced to go to his awful lectures. I kind of regret taking this course.
PHY207H1-S (Average: B+, Difficulty: 1, Quality: 4)
A very good bird course with very trivial (high school level) math. The course is online asynchronous with an in person final. Lecture videos were very good and there were lots of demonstrations (instead of just pure talking). Most of the course grade (~60%) were from various assignments (problem sets, final project, tutorials etc.) that had very high averages. Final exam was fair.
STA347H1-S (Average: C+, Difficulty: 3, Quality: 4)
The course was easier than I expected. The professor (David Brenner) was a great lecturer and made the course mostly computational. The prof did go on tangents sometimes, but he explained the main concepts very clearly. Midterm and final were mostly questions from his textbook (either copied directly or with minor modifications). The course has no assignments (40% midterm, 60% final).
COURSES I TA'D
MAT223H1-F (Fall 2021)
The course was basically the same as when I took it as a student in first year.
MAT135/136H1 (Fall 2022, Winter 2021, Winter 2022)
The two courses are very similar so I'll talk about them together. The two courses are application heavy calculus courses. They are not high school type math courses. You need to be able to do more than just simple calculations. You need to understand the concepts well enough to be able to apply them to unfamiliar problems. There are also writing assignments. If you're looking for a "more mathy" math course, look into 137 or 157 instead.

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Dragon’s Heart Tower, Level 23, Residence 30. Thacea and Emma’s Bedroom. The Tent. Local Time: 0500 Hours.
Emma Booker
I fucked up.
Big time.
And I had no one else but myself to blame.
You know that feeling when you dive head-first into a project that you had zero doubts would somehow work itself out in the end?
The sudden surge of confidence that comes when you let the indomitable human spirit take the wheel?
Well that was me at 0300 hours when my eyes landed upon the hygiene module, and pictured the inevitable outcome of a steaming hot shower after an entire day of nonstop grinding.
I couldn’t help myself but to fall into the same trap as every other would-be DIY-er. I couldn’t stop the excitement, the sudden surge of energy, and the absolute hyperfixation that came with completing a project that promised nothing but endless positives, at the expense of some time and effort that would prove minimal in the grand scheme of things.
And just like every would-be DIY-er, I was this close to completing the task at hand, before finally reaching a roadblock that inevitably brought everything to a screeching halt.
FINAL STEP: REFER TO [UNDESIGNATED WATER SOURCE] FOR ATTACHMENT OF INTAKE PIPE [EIP23] TO EXTERNAL PUMPING MODULE [EPM-1].
That one, final instruction, decimated me.
Especially as I got to that final step at just shy of 0500 hours, when I finally had the entire damn module set up, only to realize that I had missed out on a vital pre-procedure checklist that I’d purposefully skipped because I’d assumed it would be a non-issue.
ENVIRONMENTAL PREREQUISITE: LOCATE, EVALUATE, AND SECURE A RELIABLE WATER SOURCE.
And that’s why I only had myself to blame for this fiasco.
Because I’d assumed that the availability of a water-source in the dorms would’ve been an open and shut case. It only made sense for me to make that assumption though, as I saw that Thacea had clearly used the dorm’s en-suite to shower just the night before.
It was because of this that I didn’t even bother checking the bathroom to begin with. I thought that whatever was in there could’ve easily fit the hyper-modular fittings of the source-intake pipe.
Things couldn’t have been further from the truth however, as what I saw within that bathroom made me question the very fabric of my own reality.
As within those four marble walls, was nothing.
Nothing, but a series of dull flat marble surfaces, and some strange wall-fittings that looked like something out of a 21st century ‘modern’ art exhibit.
There was nothing here that resembled a tap, or even hinted at the fact that there were even any pipes carrying running water behind those four bare walls.
The only other thing of note here was an unseen light source keeping the bathroom lit.
Aside from that, there was literally nothing else here.
This meant I had only one option available to me.
The most logical and straightforward option, of simply nudging the avinor princess awake just so I could ask where I could find a fucking tap.
Whilst it was the most straightforward thing to do, I just couldn’t get myself to do it.
I’d thought about going up those stairs to nudge the avian awake, to then apologize profusely for disturbing her sleep… but given everything Thacea had done for me thus far, and considering the fact that I was responsible for almost all of the headaches we were currently experiencing, it just felt wrong for me to disturb here at that hour.
So I was left with the inconvenient truth of my circumstances, and decided to just embrace the suck, toughing out the folly of my hubris…
At least, until morning came around.
At that point, I could rest easy in actually asking the princess for pointers on the enigmatic machinations of the bathroom.
Until then, I would sleep.
And hopefully, my shortsighted adventure would bear some fruit when morning rears its ugly head around.

Dragon’s Heart Tower, Level 23, Residence 30. Thacea and Emma’s Bedroom. Local Time: 1000 Hours.
Emma Booker
Good news: Half of my hard work actually paid off.
Bad news: Only half of my hard work actually paid off.
Upon waking up three hours later, forcing my carcass up and back into the suit, I’d managed to flag down Thacea just as she was getting out of bed.
The princess’ reactions to my questions were nothing short of the politeness I’d expected from her.
Which managed to put me at ease as I was getting worried I was starting to get on her nerves with my constant flurry of questions.
The bathroom turned out to be yet another demonstration of the Nexus’ completely unhinged philosophies. As it relied entirely on a mana user’s manipulation of the room to operate. Apparently, whoever designed this place took the whole concept of a modular, personalized room, and just ran with it. Making it so that every aspect of the room relied solely on the mana user to work, as they had to shape, form, and structure the otherwise blank slate before use. This was supposedly done so that the room could be made to fit the precise criterion of a person’s liking. To me however, it just felt like another bizarre concept pulled straight out of the Nexus’ seemingly endless idea-pool of zany, overkill, and mana-addled solutions to problems that sort of existed.
Thankfully, the bathroom didn’t require constant intervention from a mana-user to operate, as certain elements could be permanently turned on.
This included the water mains, which I immediately hooked up the pipes to, as the mana-contaminated water was quickly siphoned into a series of filtration units, all with the express purpose of extracting and removing every ounce of mana present within the water.
This process took about two hours to do.
But by the end of it, I was rewarded for all my troubles by one of the best showers I’ve ever had.
All of the stress, even the constant ticking of the bomb which constantly gnawed at the back of my mind, seemed to fade away for a few short minutes as the warm water washed everything away.
But that about wrapped up the good news.
The bad news however, came in the form of the little MREDD experiment from the previous night.
As I opened the triple-airlocked compartment on my side of the tent, I was met with what could only be described as ‘food’ in name and aesthetics alone.
The soft, white, fluffy loaf of bread had literally become a baton. Whilst the pancakes were now more reminiscent of a mini-frisbee that cracked and crumbled the moment I laid my fingers on them.
My immeasurable disappointment grew the longer I stood there next to the MREDD, and the longer I stared at the small stack of dust that was once a perfectly cooked stack of pancakes.
Beyond this however, I could feel a bit of anxiety seeping in, as the results of the experiment did make me a bit anxious as to the long-term food security of this mission.
Then again, I should’ve expected this result.
It was the first calibration test after all.
“I should’ve expected this, shouldn’t I?” I spoke to no one in particular, but quickly garnered the attention of the EVI who remained within the power armor that currently stood imposingly just a few feet away from me.
“That is correct, Cadet Booker. As you are already aware, the MREDD is designed with multiple calibration protocols in-effect, each which correspond to the type and densities of the foodstuffs to be desaturated. In addition to this, the systems are designed to test the maximal extraction threshold against the subjective palatability gradient with the food safety variable as an integral aspect of these tests. Thus, the first-round extraction procedures dictate that the MREDD will attempt maximal extraction settings, in order to both stress-test the components and systems, as well as to garner data on the mana-extraction process at the maximal setting.”
I blinked rapidly upon hearing the EVI’s explanation being blasted from my suit’s speakers. It felt somewhat jarring turning around to face my armor talking to me. But then again, I should’ve expected it, as I’d yet to set up any other speaker systems within the tent for it to speak through.
“I know, EVI. They already ran everything by me during the briefings. Though I would be lying if I didn’t say I sort of hoped that putting the food under full blast for 7 hours would’ve somehow miraculously resulted in something edible.” I managed out with a sigh.
“Cadet Booker, it is logical to assume that since the extraction of mana from both food and water is indeed viable, that the only point of contention is now the palatability of the foodstuffs rendered through the MREDD.”
“Yeah, well…” I trailed off as I began tapping on the loaf of bread that sounded like styrofoam when I hit it against the armor. “I think you and I have different definitions of palatable.”
“I am confident that the mana-extraction process can be optimized, Cadet Booker. It is at this point that I must ask that you assess the palatability of the designated foodstuff marked CONSUMABLE GROUP A, ITEM 1, for the purposes of data-gathering and analysis.” The AI spoke in a no-nonsense fashion, as I turned around, giving it a look of utter incredulity.
“You want me to try to eat this?” I shot back, tapping on the styrofoam bread for added effect.
“I require data on the palatability of foodstuff A-1 [BREAD] as it is a subjective dataset relying entirely on the input of the human subject.” The AI continued.
I couldn’t help but to shudder at that last line, especially with how it was delivered.
Popular media back home was currently going through another AI-apocalypse phase, with a lot of movies, both immersive and traditional, diving deep into the uncomfortable topics of human-AI relations post AI-takeover.
Being stuck in a bare, white tent, with a monotone, somewhat disgruntled-sounding VI talking to me through a suit of armor several heads taller than me all the while suddenly referring to me as subject really wasn’t doing my movie-binging gremlin brain any favors.
I hesitated for a few seconds, tentatively staring at the bread, then the armor, then back to the bread again, before finally just going for it...
CRUNCH
It did not end well.
“Cadet Booker, I did not require that you actively consume a foodstuff you consider inedible or are uncomfortable eating. I merely needed a dataset for the purposes of this experiment, even if that data-set is a refusal to consume the foodstuff in question.”
I stared back at the VI with unamused eyes and a mouthful of hard-tack currently turning my mouth into the Greater Sahara.
“Damnghit Aeevi.” I managed out with a mouth full of bland, stale bread, before reaching for the water dispenser which thankfully still had some mana-free water inside of it.
“Shall I log A-1 down as unpalatable then, Cadet?” The AI spoke with a hint of disappointment in its voice.
Though I was probably just imagining the actual tone of its voice.
Projection was a heck of a thing after all.
“Yes. And make sure you clarify your intent next time.” I snapped back, as I finished up what limited bits of housekeeping I needed to for now. Which included punting the balled-up undersuit into the washer, getting the wash and dry cycle started, before grabbing a fresh undersuit from the cargo airlock and quickly putting it on.
“I guess the next test with the MREDD includes extracting mana at a slow, sustained rate?” I spoke as I began recalibrating the different electronic components within the undersuit.
“Correct, Cadet Booker. Provided of course, that the foodstuffs are of a similar type, and contain similar properties to GROUP A.”
“Acknowledged.” I responded promptly, shuddering a bit as the haptic feedback finished its calibration cycles. “Alright then, we got a lot of work ahead of us, so let’s get going. System status, SRR?” I asked as per protocol, steadying my hand on the suit’s ‘backpack’.
“Diagnostics running… pending… All systems nominal, Cadet Booker. Status: Ready for standard operations.”
“Operator acknowledges system status after pre-mission diagnostics.” I replied dryly, and with a few final breaths I pulled myself back into the armor. “Current objectives? Preferably the ones I listed before dozing off last night?” I continued, as my eyes quickly readjusted to the constant assault on the senses that was the HUD.
“Priority Objective: Locate and Secure Container 10. Current time remaining until activation of the Denial of Sensitive Assets to Unauthorized Parties Protocols… 36 hours, 34 minutes, and 47 seconds.”
“Alright then, let’s pay a visit to our dear old friend… hopefully she’s alive and lucid enough to get us to the bottom of this little predicament.”

Dragon’s Heart Tower, Level 23, Residence 30. Thacea and Emma’s Bedroom. Local Time: 1020 Hours.
Emma Booker
Transitioning from the tent to the marble and cobblestone world of the Academy was always jarring. Opening those external protective flaps to reveal something that wasn’t more bare white paneling and drab gray composalite would probably be something I’d need to get used to.
I got into the swing of things quick enough, as I was met with the likes of Thacea who was busy reading on one of the many ornate seats that formed the mini-living room within our loft.
“Was the water to your liking, Emma?” Thacea asked with a clack of her beak.
“I managed to squeeze in a couple minutes worth of a shower, so that’s a win in my book!” I beamed out. “But with a constant stream of filtered water filling up my reservoirs now, I should be able to get something more substantial later tonight.”
The princess nodded slowly at that. “The lengths to which you need to go, just to attain what we take for granted on a daily basis, is quite remarkable Emma.”
“It is what it is, Thacea.” I shrugged in response. “The very air I breathe needs to be filtered. This whole world, or heck, even your worlds are actively hostile to human life. These measures are something that are cumbersome, and seriously draining to deal with, but it’s necessary. Besides, it’s not as if these measures are something new where I come from. My people have had a history of intrepid explorers, brave pioneers, and foolish thrillseekers who all surge forward into inhospitable domains just so they can crest the next wave, or see what’s over the next hill.” I paused for a moment, as I was tempted to strike a pose, but quickly decided against it. “I’m just furthering a legacy that’s already been established. Or at least, I hope I’m doing that. Heck if I know if I’m actually doing things right. Nine times out of ten, I feel like I’m just making the best of my situation.”
“I can’t say I can understand the appeal of this legacy of actively seeking hostile-domains.” Thacea responded with an equal mix of curiosity and genuine concern. “And I do not know what manner of civilization would result from such a culture, though I do harbor a morbid curiosity to inquire further… However, I can most certainly resonate with your latter statements, Emma. Half of the court politics I contend with simply amounts to making do with the hand you’ve been dealt, of making best of one’s situation, and doing whatever it is in your limited scope and power to maintain life, security, and perhaps some waning semblance of your own personal liberty. It’s a great game, where doubt comes naturally as a result of being a player and not the host.”
There was a small pause that followed Thacea’s response as one point in particular caught my attention more than any other.
It was unfortunate that it was so topical as well, given how if things had turned out any differently, this conversation would’ve moved right on into an hours-long exchange of life and culture.
Thacea mentioning the concept of a great game, immediately brought me back to the conversation with Ilunor the previous night.
“Thacea… would you mind if I consulted you on something?” I began, as the gears in my head began turning now at the first major issue of the day.
The princess seemed to catch on as she leaned forward in her seat intently, and nodded. “By all means.”
“Something happened last night at the workshop, and it wasn’t anything to do with the armorer… though, we can talk about that later.” I took a deep breath as I shelved that topic for another time. “Did you happen to pay any attention to Ilunor’s whereabouts after I left for the workshop?”
“Not particularly, no. Lord Rul-, erm, Ilunor had seemingly remained in his room until Thalmin and I retired to our respective rooms. After that, I simply have no recollection of anything beyond my own domicile.”
“Well, Ilunor followed me to the workshop.” I stated plainly, pausing for a moment to gauge Thacea’s reaction. Of which there really was none as she managed to keep that signature poker-face that was probably second nature to her by now.
“And I’m assuming since you managed to uncover this, that his meddling had failed in some way shape or form?” Thacea shot back coolly.
“Correct. However, here’s where things get complicated. I’ll save the bulk of the events for later, but long story short, that discount kobold decided to use some sort of a projection spell to spook me just as I was in the middle of the weapons inspection with the armorer, and the projection used wasn’t just something a random monster or anything… he purposefully chose to bring out a carbon-copy version of the null.”
Thacea’s face shifted at this, which given how difficult it was to phase her, probably meant her mind was going through the full implications of this revelation.
I pressed on as Thacea urged me to continue with a single nod. “Well, I shot it. And, no, nobody was hurt. Fast forward a chase sequence later, and the armorer eventually managed to corner and capture Ilunor. However, when we pressed him for answers about why he was there to begin with? Well… I think it’ll be better for you to see for yourself.”
It was with this that I brought out my data-pad, and began replaying the relevant scenes for Thacea to see.
Starting from the brief spats between Ilunor and the armorer, all the way to my confrontation with the diminutive lizard, Thacea’s gaze remained completely transfixed. She did flinch a bit when the footage finally went over my dealings with the lizard, and Ilunor’s sudden shift in persona as I pulled out the library card and began talking his language.
Yet despite being inundated with this sudden flood of information, with a completely unexpected tangent, she soon responded cooly and without much in the way of a delay. “This complicates matters.” She began slowly. “This entire situation calls for a complete reevaluation of the dynamics of this peer group, and how we need to approach Lord Rul-, Ilunor.” Thacea promptly corrected herself before continuing. “There’s a great number of layers to this unexpected development, each of which hints at a greater game being played here, and points at the fact that there are a great number of interested parties beyond just Ilunor.” The princess took a moment to let out an exasperated coo, her eyes finally moving away from the tablet and back to me. “You must understand as well as I, that Ilunor’s actions do not constitute a scheme of his own making, correct?”
“That I do.” I nodded simply. “The fact that he’s even bothering to do this in the first place is outside of his whole I’m above you persona. I’m not sure if the same rings true here, but where I come from, becoming a spook is not something that most people in high and mighty positions would ever stoop down to. Besides, I think we have a lead. I don’t think a student would actively defer a bit of punishment from a lower level administrator, in order to fast-track it to the highest authorities if they weren’t in cahoots with them.”
“This coincides with my observations of these developments as well, Emma.” Thacea responded with a resonant chirp. “To add to this, his knowledge of the null is most certainly not circumstantial, and considering he was absent from our adventures the previous day, his knowledge of this creature would hint to either the feeding of information via a higher benefactor, or a direct observation of our activities from afar. Either way, this does not bode well.”
“This leads me to what I wanted to consult you on, Thacea. If Ilunor’s out there waiting for us right now, would it be best if we confronted him outright in front of Thalmin or-”
“No.” Thacea interjected sharply, and with a certainty that was almost uncharacteristic of her. “Confronting Ilunor out in the open, in front of others not privy to you and the Vunerian’s current game, would be outright suicide to the dialogue you’ve managed to broker with him the previous night. You’ve managed to prove yourself as not just another pawn, but a player in the game, at least in Ilunor’s eyes. It would be wise to maintain that momentum, Emma. By continuing this line of dialogue with him in private, there is a higher likelihood the Vunerian will divulge more information as he speaks to you frankly, beyond what his current facade will allow. This is now a matter between you and the Vunerian, as Thalmin and I are not privy to these political transactions.”
I couldn’t help but to mimic the princess by gripping my forehead as well, letting out a sigh as the dread of complex court politics had begun seeping in faster than I expected. “That shouldn’t be too hard to do. I’ll just let that situation slide for now, making sure not to mention my dealings with Ilunor when he’s around, and focus instead on our other problems. It’s not like we have a shortage of other things to worry about after all.” I sighed sharply.
“That is an acceptable plan. ” Thacea responded promptly as she stood up and began straightening out her uniform. “Right then, shall we proceed?”

Dragon’s Heart Tower, Level 23, Residence 30. Living Room. Local Time: 1025 Hours.
Emma Booker
As we exited the bedroom, we were once more met with a similar sight reminiscent of the previous day’s. As there, on the couch, were the bickering pair that had seemed to have carried over their arguments from the previous night.
Except this time, the context seemed to have thankfully shifted to something new.
“Every minute I waste in this room for the sake of that Earthrealmer is another minute that I grow increasingly more famished. It is unbecoming of a noble to sit in waiting for a commoner. In fact, it should be the other way around. Or perhaps this is yet another one of your Havenbrockian reforms that test the Nexus’ patience, Prince Thalmin?” I could hear Ilunor snapping at Thalmin just as we made our way into the living room proper.
Thalmin, amazingly, resisted responding in kind as he got up as soon as we made our way towards the pair.
“We were waiting for the both of you, but it should be fine. Should we miss the breakfast, there is always an a la carte menu we can-”
“I have met the criterion for your unlawful detainment, mercenary. Thus, I shall take my leave.” Ilunor promptly jumped off from the couch and began trotting his way over to the door, his little legs were clearly attempting to generate some sort of a forceful series of thumps as he did so, but only resulted in a light series of taps given his diminutive size.
“Hold on a minute there! That wasn’t our agreement! You agreed to-”
“I agreed to wait for the Earthrealmer and the tainted one. I have no other reason to be here. Now, I must resume my extracurriculars. You lot can do whatever it is you get up to. I will be having none of it.” Ilunor turned to face the Lupinor one final time, before slamming the front door shut, and skittering off.
This made things so much simpler as it meant we were in the clear for now.
“I’m sorry princess.” Thalmin turned to face Thacea. “I thought we might be able to squeeze something out of him yet, but the Vunerian continues to be as squirmy as a prairie rodent.”
“It’s quite alright, Thalmin.” Thacea began, as she turned towards me as if to confirm whether or not I wanted her to proceed on my behalf. To which I did. “There are a few matters we must address regarding Ilunor, which I suggest we do over a short breakfast, as we have even more pressing matters following this.”
After a reluctant pause, the lupinor prince nodded in agreement, leading to both of us sitting down-
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 275% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
-and a privacy screen being brought down soon after.
“So, shall we talk about this over a brunch platter?”

The Transgracian Academy for the Magical Arts, En Route to the Healing Wing. Local Time: 1050 Hours.
Thalmin’s reactions were nothing short of what I’d expected.
There was absolute outrage, followed by an unrepentant series of growls, capped off with barks of seething anger at the same clips I’d played for Thacea earlier.
The mercenary prince was perhaps even more uncomfortable than I was at my entry into this game, as it was clear Thalmin despite his noble heritage, wasn’t really one to dabble in it at all.
“I’m telling you Emma, this is a dangerous path forward. Are you certain you are making the wisest choice?” He spoke once again, continuing the conversation from earlier, underneath yet another privacy screen Thacea was maintaining as we approached the medical wing.
“I don’t like it either, Thalmin. There’s nothing more I hate than playing politics, but it’s unfortunately a pill I have to swallow if we’re going to get to the bottom of the issues surrounding Ilunor. I mean, I overheard you guys arguing late into the night. I really don’t think confronting him normally is going to get us anywhere.”
The lupinor let out a sigh of defeat at that, as he lowered his head in my general direction. “I can’t fault that logic, Emma. Perhaps… speaking his language, as you put it, would bring us some resolution to this frankly irritating problem. However…” The Lupinor’s voice lowered, just as we were about to reach the doors to the healing wing proper. “I know how these games work, Emma. It’s dangerous, so make sure you tread lightly, and just know that I, as part of your peer group, am here to support you should the need arise.” The prince reassured me with a smirk, as we pushed past the double doors and into the medical wing proper.
Or at least, that’s what I thought, as we entered what looked to be a massive circular room with multiple branching hallways connected to it like spokes on a wheel. In typical Academy-fashion however, the room really wasn’t at all modest with its size. As it went up a solid twenty or so stories, with high pillars piercing straight up into a marble-lined rotunda with moving murals painted on it like some grand cathedral. Between these pillars were little outcroppings where several gargoyles were perched.
Gargoyles which I could swear were looking straight at us.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 425% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
My gut was proven right again, as it only took a few seconds after our entry for these stony beasts to come to life, with multiple bursts of mana-radiation accompanying what could only be described as the sounds of cracking concrete.
Soon enough, several large gargoyles made harsh, heavy landings right in front of us. The two closest to us held out their arms, before zapping two stony spears into existence, crossing them in a clear display to stop us from going any further.
“Halt!” A voice commanded from above, as a shadowy figure landed right in front of the two gargoyles blocking our path. The figure’s face was hidden underneath an unnatural shadow casted by his hood, revealing just two trapezoidal lights where his eyes should be. “The healing wing is currently off-limits to visitors. So state your ailment, or leave where you came from.” The voice boomed, echoing throughout the large open space, as all eyes within the room now landed squarely on us.
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(Author’s Note: Hey guys! We see more glimpses of Emma's quality of life getting set up here, and we're now making our way over to the apprentice! I hope you guys enjoy! :D The next Chapter is already up on Patreon if you guys are interested in getting early access to future chapters!)
[If you guys want to help support me and these stories, here's my ko-fi ! And my Patreon for early chapter releases (Chapter 33 of this story is already out on there!)]

If you've ever gotten bullied before you've probabally heard the dumbass advice everyone gives where they tell you " Just ignore them". Ignoring your bullies doesn't actually work, that's such a stupid thing to say. If there are no consequences to bullying you than your bullies are never going to stop.
On the other hand you've probabally heard the other dumbass advice where people tell you to get agressive. Beating your bully up will stop him from bullying you but chances are, if your getting bullied, you don't actually know how to fight. And even if you did know how to fight and you started a brawl in the middle of your school everyone will just look at you as a toxic alpha male with a fragile ego.
The actual solution to stop someone from bullying you is to quite literally gaslight them into thinking they are disgusting for bullying you". You need to make them feel embarrassed in front of everyone for trying to hurt you.
And now i'm not saying you should act all confident and be "HEY LOOK GUYS, HES TRYING TO BULLY ME, AHAHA. WHAT A DUMBASS". I'm saying you should act exactly like an innocent bystander in GTA would act if he just got punched out of no where. When someone does something to you, you need to pull back and shout "OMG EWWWW WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US, STOP BEING WEIRD, GET AWAY FROM US!!"
This is how you actually stop someone from bullying you

I dated someone for five years, or so I thought. He kept me around during his 2 year deep depression just to have sex with me. When I reacted to his cruel words, I was demonized. I was also cruel after I felt manipulated and tossed to the side.
We took a break and I put everything into working on myself. Not for him, but for me. It was hard to come face to face with my faults, but taking accountability was a big part of healing.
We started talking again, as friends. Until one day he snapped on me. I bought him flowers and he threw them in the trash and said he hated flowers and I did that for myself. Then when I asked why he was treating me this way he said “I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine.” I also found out he was cheating on me for years.
I was so incredibly confused and hurt but maybe I deserved it. I recently blocked him and we haven’t talked since.
I am so happy I decided to seek help. Because a year ago, this would’ve sent me into a spiral that I probably wouldn’t come back from. I hope giving me a “taste of my own medicine” made him feel better.

I was curious and accidentally read major spoilers.... heh
I noticed that in that episode where Madam Red dies, she has flashbacks to Ciel's childhood but she only sees Ciel and Ciel's parents and not "Ciel"... so why is that? Also, because she's Ciel's aunt, how did she not notice that Ciel wasn't "Ciel"?

Looking at it now, actually standing on the edge, it really is a long way down. Being here reminds me of those times in the playground, ready to travel down the slide, feeling so high up that I was like the king of the world. Yeah, that's how it feels right now, alright. King of the fucking world. The river rushes by below, its perpetual noise almost overpowering my car radio blaring through the open driver door. All I have to do is let go and take that last step. The last thing I'll ever have to do. Jump. Why is it so difficult? I want this, I need this. Yet everything inside is screaming 'STOP!' Just shuffle forward, close your eyes, and forget everything that came before, because everything ahead is rendered null in this one single action. Just jump. It's that simple, Tim. Just jump.
"Hey!"
A shout sounds out over my shoulder, calling to me. I turn and see the guy poking his head through the open window in the opposite lane from my parked car.
"You okay, man?" He yells over my blaring radio, face full of concern. His intervention is unwelcome. I never did like good Samaritans. "Don't do it, there's so much to live for…"
"Oh, are you talking to me?" I reply, wiping the sweat from my forehead, still perched on the bridge's ledge. "I'm fine! Just practicing my yoga poses!"
The man in his car pauses for a moment, confused, before saying something else that I don't quite get over the sound of the nearby river and Metallica blasting through my open door. Then, he slowly pulls away. Gone forever down the road. I take one last look at the river below before I step away from the edge and get back into my car, turning the volume down from its maximum setting.
The mood is ruined.

I had a rough childhood in almost every aspect, growing up was hard.. right from the start I was having trouble excelling in school. I flunked my first year of kindergarten, and then I had to repeat the 8th grade. It was a miracle every time that I somehow made it through. I paid attention and studied hard, but there was just something that wasn't right and I didn't understand. My parents boiled it down to me not paying attention and I would just cry because I knew that wasn't the case.. trying to talk back and have an actual conversation with my parents was impossible though.. I'd get a smack to the face from my mother, and don't let it be my father I was talking back to! He'd beat me until another tear wasn't able to fall.. my father was an alcoholic and always kept the cupboards packed with booze, when I was 14 I snuck some for myself to just see what was so good about it, and I thought it'd be a fun experience.. I was already dealing with tons of anxiety and self loathing at this age, I felt like a fucking failure and after that first night of trying alcohol- I found my cope. I started getting drunk alone in my room when my parents would go to bed at least 4-5 nights out of the week.. I was scared of being caught , but I thought that my father was getting too drunk every night to realize whether or not he drank the alcohol that was missing, I was right.
prioritizing drinking over my school work caused my grades to flunk further, by the time I made it into the 10th grade I was 18, still struggling and holding on by a thread. Literally all I could think about was getting home and drinking my problems away. I dropped out of school because it was getting increasingly harder, making friends was easy for me as a kid, but when I entered my teenage years, it's like my personality left and I felt/still feel like a walking mental illness.. I didn't know how to be happy or have fun anymore, my only idea of fun was drinking, which I did alone. After dropping out, I stayed at home most days, jacking off during the day to pass time, I was always ready for it to be night time.. I knew I was addicted, but I didn't care. Dropping out of school was the biggest mistake ever, for the next year and half that's literally all I did, drink and masturbate. My dad was still very emotionally abusive, but he didn't physically abuse me anymore.. I think because I reached his height and level of strength at that point. They harassed me about getting a job everyday and told me I needed therapy, and that they'd pay for it. I refused and all of this just led to more resentment, how are you going to offer help for what caused? I struggled with symptoms of OCD growing up, it was basically just the kind that my mind would get set on a situation and I'd end up overthinking it.. these thoughts came from a place of concern, but then I started to suffer from very very frightening intrusive thoughts- everyday my mind was plagued with the thought of killing my parents, especially my dad. The fact that my father had guns locked up in the house made these thoughts even scarier for me. I thought at one point I was going to actually end up doing it- it felt like my real self was watered down and that some kind of evil lived in me and I felt like I was barely in control of my own body. I used to stare at the guns/knives in the kitchen and just try to actually think about what it would be like.. by doing this, I thought it would scare me out of having these thoughts, but they only grew stronger.. because of this, I started to abuse alcohol even more, sleeping more hrs of the day and would go for walks randomly to put myself at a distance to protect my parents from my own self.. my family has never been been the religious kind, but I would just pray at night and ask God to take these thoughts away or at least let me die in my sleep. Suicidal thoughts never stayed with me long, I wanted to die, but I was too weak to do it myself. Every cope that I had worked somewhat, but I needed something more, I started to cut myself on my arms/thighs/and chest and it made living a bit easier. The thoughts still continued to grow and I had no options, I was either going to end up commiting a crime so evil, or accept help from my parents.. so I did.
I started to attend one therapy session a week until my therapist suggested I started seeing him twice a week.. I told him about my sick obsessive thoughts, how I've been drinking since I was 14, the self harming, and how I struggled in school.. that topic kinda stayed on the back burner for like 3 months because I was dealing with much scarier stuff at the time. I ended up getting an official diagnosis for depression, OCD and ADHD.. which probably explains a lot for why I struggled in school so much. I was prescribed Zoloft but due to his knowing of my struggles with alcohol, I wasn't able to get a narcotic for my ADHD. my OCD started to simmer down some l, but the thought still stayed in the back of my head always and was overwhelming. I was able to get a job in a factory, working in an environment like this was terrible.. I tried to avoid talking to others because I never wanted there to be a potential conflict, I was scared that if that happened I would end up being plagued with the thoughts of hurting others, it happened from time to time.. but those thoughts wore off, my thought of hurting my parents is still with me to this day. I continued to work up until I could get my own place, it was a crappy apartment, but at least being there kept me in distance from my parents, the only time I went over to visit was when I wanted to steal some alcohol.. which was often.
I had gotten a hold on the self harming, well besides drinking.. I was almost 20 at this point and then me and my therapist started to speak more about how about how I struggled in school.. how it was the spark for me falling into addiction. I then was diagnosed with dyscalculia and dysgraphia.. everything started to make sense now, I finally knew why I struggled so badly in school and now it was too late.. I never received any help, you'd think that someone in the school system would have suggested help- but no.. it was just brushed off as laziness. And the only response I got from bad grades, is a beating. After that diagnosis I started to self harm again, I was cutting almost everyday. This made my resentment grow for my parents, to the point of hatred for the both of them, especially my father.. my mother was abusive too, and I was definitely neglected as a child, but I blame my father even more.. this led me back to having the same thoughts and they were stronger than ever. I stopped going over there and eventually was able to buy alcohol from a gas station that didn't bother to ID.. I had so much built up anger and I had to take it out on someone or something.. every time I would get drunk, I'd end up punching more and more holes in my wall.. I'm afraid to move because I know I'd be sued out the ass. It's now been another year, im 21 and haven't spoken to my parents in like 7 months for the sake of their own safety.. I can't make friends, have a girlfriend, or even have a pet because I'm insanely afraid of what I could do in moments of rage.. besides the meds, I stopped going to therapy because I wasn't really getting anywhere. I feel like a lost cause and I really don't know what to do. What's there to work with? I have no intelligence, I'm severally mentally ill, realistically, I'll probably stay working a dead end job until I die alone of liver failure or something. I know this post was long, so if you read all of this, thank you.

If animals could talk, which one do you think would be the most annoying?

I (23f) have this tendency to feel really anxious, awkward and embarrassed the day after I go to a party, especially music/dance events. For those who are unfamiliar with the whole scene, these events are packed with people, and usually a smaller community where everyone knows everyone and I see many familiar faces. I am talking about music events, such as raves or disco nights, taking place in clubs or other bigger venues in my city (I live in Europe). I am also a university student, and I have a large social circle, thus it is common to bump into people I haven't talked to for weeks/months.
What happens is basically I get 'socially high' (especially after drinking alcohol), and open up way too much and too quickly when I talk to someone. I just really enjoy myself in these social, vibrant scenes, and I am literally thrilled when I bump into someone I know, and start talking to them immediately. It's like I lose all my social boundaries and overshare with people, and I usually get waay too private with them too. I compliment random attendees for their outfits, offer my cigarettes to strangers etc. I am just being generally too kind. It's like I am in a different, alternative reality where everything is perfect, everyone is my friend, and I have absolutely no worries. Basically, the entire time I spend at the party is a 'catharsis' and I do not watch my behaviour, I act like a happy little child. I also have a feeling that I never want the party to end, because then I have to return to reality, and face my daily struggles. Towards the end, I usually get very depressed that I soon have to go home, and try to have a last drink, or cigarette outside.
Then, the next day I always feel very regretful of things I said, or information I overshared. I also sometimes lie or overstate small things with my friends, just to win their attention for a second, and I feel extremely embarrased and guilty over it. I consider myself a balanced and normal person in my everyday life, and I just do not understand why I cannot control myself at these parties. I really wish I was less enthusiastic, and I always promise myself I would behave, and then I never do.
I feel awful about this whole issue. I see other people acting similarly, especially under substance use, but I still feel like everyone is ashamed of me and talks about me behind my back. The worst part is by all means my guilt, and the embarrasment. It got to the point where I fear to go out with my friends, because I am scared I would have a too good time and lose my boundaries. It is actually out of my control, I can feel that I want to shut my mouth and I just cannot. And the next day, I just cannot stop thinking about things I said or did, I overthink every single moment or interaction I shared. I know it is just my anxiety, and is not real, but I cannot stop.
I think I have just gone too crazy recently, as I study and work full time, and whenever I get the chance I go party to blow off some steam and relax. I wish I started attending less toxic, more conventional events, such as a book club, board game night or just a civilised, non-drinking dinner with colleagues. I feel like I would equally enjoy that, but unfortunately, these are really rare in my generation and even if we plan something like it, it turns into a wild night out.
How could I fix this issue at my age? I am 23, and I have been going out since I was 15. Still, I never experienced anything like this when I was younger.

I always heard about studies who say Turkey is leaving Islam, but just Erdogan just won the election? Why did he win? He lost the mayor election in 2019, but somehow, he won this election. Is that because so many people want Ekrem instead of Kemal?
Even if I was a conservative Muslim, I wouldn't vote for him after causing economic and refugee crisis, I can't believe he won...
I am not Turkish, but seeing how Atatürk's hard work gets ruined by an Arab wannabe president pisses me off a lot.

since i moved away from primary school at age 10 my whole personality changed ever since. i atarted going more and more back into my room, have even less social contacts than i did before and started experiencing random aggression, sadness, hopelessnes and disinterest. school wasnt fun anymore and was just a place i didnt want to focus on because i didnt feel anything good or entertaining. my grades went to horrible and i do care but i dont feel like there is any point in changing my life. idk why but i got so much dumber and just useless. i dont feel sad all the time tough, i mostly just dont feel much or negative emotions, but not very strong. i dont really have a problem with waking up but after i do i dont feel like there was any point. i am unable to hold relationships and am totally isolated, but i dont feel bad, i just feel like there is nothing