The.real.mrs.poindexter

The following happened to me in late September 1993. I've posted on 4chan about this as well (Please don't think badly of me for that).
I was a 4th grader in fall 1993, Ridgeview elementary school in Craig, Colorado
The event in question took place one afternoon in late September, last hour of school, normally our math class. Our teacher, Mrs. Shubin, tells us we're not doing math today. We're doing a special activity and we shouldn't tell our parents about it. She asks our class if we've ever done stuff with a Ouija board or fortune telling. We say no and ask why. Teacher brings in two men, one is dressed in a military dress uniform, middle aged, and says he's with the Air Force. I'll call him Boss. Other guy is a nerdy looking young guy with thick glasses and dressed office casual with an ID badge on a lanyard. I'll call him Poindexter. They didn't tell us their names or ranks, but the older man's uniform suggested he was a commissioned officer.
Boss says they're going to test our aptitude at ESP, explains to the class that means Extra Sensory Perception, which means knowing about things you can't see. Poindexter sits down a little metal box with some kind of antenna attached to it on the teacher's desk, says he's be monitoring our progress with it. Boss sits up one of those psychic tests where there's five cards with five symbols and you have to guess their order without seeing them.
I raise my hand and say what they're for because I'd seen them on the Discovery channel before. Boss stops me sharply and tells me not to say anymore so I don't throw their results off. They have us do the card test, then a remote viewing test. They tell us to close our eyes and try to see something Poindexter set up in the hall, then in another classroom without description, then write it down and they take out descriptions.
Boss and Poindexter seemed concerned by replies. Next part they call the whole class up to the front and ask for a volunteer to lay down on the floor. Some dude from the back row volunteers. They have us do that old "Light as a Feather" Séance trick where everyone tries to hypnotize the dude and each lift him with one finger.
Except it's not working
Boss gets stern with us and tells us to concentrate with all our might. We do and the guy gets lifted about two centimeters off the carpet. Boss seems pissed, drags Poindexter aside I listen carefully. Boss seems pissed because the class is scoring below normal aptitude on the test.
Note we were in a lower class neighborhood in a poor mining town, what did he expect?
Only two students got flagged for interview afterward, me and a quiet girl with grayish glasses. She had the high score for the class. I was flagged because I produced no readings whatsoever on Poindexter's device. I explain I'm Autistic, and might have different brain nerve stuff going on. Poindexter's eyes light up and he thinks that's it, because his box monitors some type of brain wave function. Boss cuts him off and is real pissed off over him saying too much. Then Boss warns the kids we'll be in trouble with the school if we tell our parents they were there, then leaves after some harsh words with the teacher, I never heard any more on the subject.
Anyone else have something like this happen in school? I'm not trying to troll or start an ARG, I'm curious here

So I have been rewatching Daredevil’s Netflix Series for…certain reasons, and i’ve been taking notes while watching and i thought i’d share it with you guys!
Notes:
1: I’ve already seen the entire series, this is all just things i might have missed or forgotten or still really love
2: the * means episode i really love, but i love all of them, so let’s say those i really REALLY love.
3: you’ll find out why im rewatching the show soon…
Season 1:
Into The Ring*:
-Starts off strong in its first scene
-First 3 scenes show the 3 sides of Matt we see in the series (flashback, civilian, and vigilante)
-Karen is a great window into the crime world of Hell’s Kitchen
Cut Man*:
-Hallway fight, that’s all i’ll say
Rabbit In A Snowstorm:
-Holy shit Healy’s death was brutal and a great way to show how Fisk puts fear in people
-Love the last scene of Fisk staring at the painting saying it makes him feel alone (possible foreshadowing for his fate in season 3?)
Blood In The Water:
-YOU EMBARRASSED ME!
-Love how Fisk isn’t just the average crime boss in most movies and tv shows
World On Fire:
-Love the scene of the police officer killing the russian, showing Fisk’s corruption spreads to not only crooks and thugs but even the people we “trust” most
-Mrs. Cardenas is a gem and we must protect her
edit: oh shit i forgot she dies
Condemned:
-Matt and Fisk’s first meeting (without actually meeting) was very creative
Stick*:
-Young Matt and Stick’s convo at the park is one of my favorite moments in the show
-Love the Black Sky/Hand foreshadowing
-Did they plan out Maggie Murdock?
-Genuinely forget how good of an actor Skylar Gaertner, the kid who plays young Matt, is
-Nobu is not his real name
-Let’s fucking go! Foggy to the rescue!
-love the scene at the end showing that Stick kept his gift from little Matty
-who’s the guy Stick was talking to?
Shadows In The Glass*:
-One of the best openings
-love the opening with bloody little fisk, though i can’t take it seriously cuz of Crash and Bernstein lol
-Fisk’s backstory and just this entire episode in general is phenomenal
-Fisk flipping the table was dope
-Holy fucking shit the painting is a reminder of his past and the wall he stared at while his dad beat his mother. jesus fucking christ this show is phenomenal
Speak of the Devil:
-Love how threatening Fisk is without him feeling over powered
-“Another man’s evil does not make you good”
-I know everyone talks about the Hallway fight but Nobu vs Daredevil is phenomenal too
-Foggy crying in the bar i think is what made me realize he’s not just the average comic relief character
Nelson V Murdock*:
-the best episode of Season 1
The Path of the Righteous:
-Claire Temple lowkey underrated af
-dialogue is way better than it needs to be (not just this ep but the entire show too)
-“do you really think this is the first time i’ve shot someone?”
The Ones We Leave Behind*:
-I forgot about Fisk’s first meeting with Karen -oh shit that was a dream lol
-Yea Fisk he’s your “friend” (they gay)
-Matt Murdock parkour time fuck yeah!
-rewatch really made me appreciate Ben (not poindexter) more
-the blind factory is disturbing af
-Ben and his wife’s talk in the hospital is incredible
-love how Matt cries only 2 times and both are so realistic and human
-aaaa his little growl when he’s trying to be tough in front of Karen and not cry DEAR GOD i love Charlie Cox as Daredevil SO MUCH AAAAAAA
-that ending with Fisk was terrifying even when you know what’s gonna happen
Daredevil*:
-Love Karen talking to Ben’s wife
-Love Karen almost telling Matt that she killed Wesley
-Love Matt and Foggy trying to cover up Matt’s secret too lol
-The arrest scene is fantastic
bonus note: love how it was actually that one background girl who was working with Fisk and how it doesn’t feel like a cop out if you payed attention to the show.
-Fisk’s ill intent speech still gives me chills to this day.
-Love the callback to episode 9 “go ahead take your shot”
-And now he is the Daredevil!
Score:
Plot: 4/5
Characters: 5/5
Action: 5/5
Drama: 4/5
Relationships: 5/5
overall: 23/25-5 stars
Best of Season 1:
3: The Ones We Leave Behind
2: Daredevil
1: Nelson V Murdock

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up. All right. Mmm. How about "he"? Two points. Your turn, dear. Homer: Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters? Oh, wait. Here's a good one." Do." Lisa: "Id." Triple word score. Homer: Hey, no abbreviations. Lisa: Not I.D., Dad."Id." It's a word. Bart: As in, "This game is stup-id." Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities... for your big aptitude test tomorrow. We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary. We got one? I think it's under the short leg of the couch. "Id: Along with the ego and the superego... one of three components of the psyche." Get outta here. Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. Bart: "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. Marge: And a short temper. Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! Bart: Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose. We come from Springfield and we sell swampland you there. No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trashcan with it. Principal Skinner... one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property. Oh? Where? Over there, sir. See? Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner. Yikes! Hmm. Principal Skinner: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble. Martin: And a sloppy speller too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is w-I-e-n-e-r... although "e-I" is an acceptable ethnic variant. Principal Skinner: Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson? You might say you caught him red-handed. Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk. Same time, same place? Yes. In my office after school. Ooh! Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely tying to fend off the desecration of the school building. Eat my shorts. Pardon? Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any. Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window... so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper? You're right, Martin. Bart? Remember to visualize the complex problems, and relax. The test will start... now! Bart: "At 7:30 a.m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour... leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away." Shh! Visualize it, Bart. Bart: "At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour... and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe. It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. An hour later, a number of passengers... equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off... but three times as many plus six get on. At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off... but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop." Oof! Train conductor: Ticket, please. Bart: I don't have a ticket. Train conductor: Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir. Bart: I'll pay. How much? Martin: Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff... minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa! Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree? Certainly, Martin. What are you looking at, Bart? Are those naughty dogs back again? You have 20 minutes, class. He's a good boy now, and he's getting better... and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener." He sure is. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here. Send them in. Hello again. What have you done this time, boy? Principal Skinner: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly... we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do? Homer: Oh, no. He can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it. Principal Skinner: That was the idea. Homer: Oh. By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty... but this is not an isolated incident. Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes... that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to-- Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision-- Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pyor is here to see you. He says it's urgent. Send him in. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J.Loren Pryor. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning... has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child." A what? Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson. Bart? This lunkhead? Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain. Dr. Pryor: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course... but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt. Homer: 912! Dr. Pryor: Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216. Homer: Oh. That's still amazingly high. Dr. Pryor: Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school? Bart: Oh, you bet. Dr. Pryor: Mm-hmm. Ever feel a little frustrated? Bart: All the time, sir. Dr. Pryor: Uh-huh. Do you ever dream of leaving your class... to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis? Bart: Wow! It's like you're reading my mind, man. Uh-huh. You see, when a child with Bart's intellect... is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person... he's probably going to lash out in ways like these. Principal Skinner: I think we should retest him. Dr. Pryor: We should move him to another school. Principal Skinner: Ooh. Better yet. Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school... that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers. A school without walls... where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to. Does that sound good, Bart? Sign me up, Doc. Excellent. We're all set. Here's all the information you need. Show up around nine-ish. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again. I think we're all in a mood to celebrate. Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen? Dr. Pryor: Genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment. Dr. Pryor: Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery. Aw, come on, Mom. You look very intelligent, dear. No way! How about a tie, son? Everybody knows boy geniuses wear ties. You're stifling my creativity, Dad. Sorry, boy. Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious? Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Homer: Lisa, maybe you should try some of this. Marge: Homer! Homer: I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up. I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit. Maybe so, but from now on... this dimwit is on easy street. No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route. Gotcha. Bart: Oh, no. Ties. Homer: Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there. Thanks, Dad. You kissed me. There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son. I think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day you may achieve something... that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone. You must be Bart Simpson. I'm Ms. Melon, your learning coordinator. Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here: Make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading. What should I read, ma'am? Anything you want, Bart. Oh! A comic book? How did this get mixed in here? We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy. Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley. O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo. What? Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift. Trabing norm doog. What's your problem? Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said, "Good morning, Bart." And this is Cecile Shapiro. Hi, Bart. Cool hamsters. What are their names? Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococci virus. Hamster Number Two is the control hamster. Hi, little control hamster. I wouldn't get too attached. We're dissecting him next week. Discover your desks, people. Now let's all welcome the newest member... of our collective experience, Bart Simpson. And now we can continue our debate from yesterday. When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing... that free will is an illusion. If you ask me, humankind has freedom... a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind... but this helps us to think for ourselves. Very good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox? Without law and order, man has no freedom. If you want peace, you must prepare for war. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, it seems the smartest child in the class... is also the quietest. Ms. Melon: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives? Bart: Well... you're damned if you do... and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart. Whew! Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball... on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch... for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch. Well, okay. There you go! I'll trade you 1,000 picoliters of my milk for 4 gills of yours. Well, all right. Anything you say. Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my-- Save your breath. What do you think of the new kid? A rather mediocre genius. Yes, not very bright at all. So, how was it? Os-os. What? That's backwards for so-so. Wow. What are you reading there? Comic books? Uh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh? Tell you what. To celebrate your first day of genius school... what do you say we go out for a round off rosty chocolate milkshakes? All righty! Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm, hmm-- What's that word where you encourage something to grow? Lisa: Nurturing. Marge: Nurturing your brilliant brain... so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00. Bart: Oh, Mom. Not tonight. Homer: Bart, your mother's only tying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show. Marge: Homer, you're going too. Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer? Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts. There's no guy with peanuts, dear. Geez. No beer. No opera dogs. Shh! ♪ Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor ♪ ♪ Please use the cuspidor ♪ ♪ That's what it's for ♪ Marge: Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him. Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him. Shush! Shh! Homer: Who's the lard butt? Lisa: He's the bullfighter. Bart: No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man. Who are those people? P.U. When is this over? It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Is that one fat enough for you, son? Let's go get a burger. Ms. Melon: So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly... I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Ms. Melon: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared... D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it? Bart: Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. Great to see ya. Get lost, Poindexter. Yeah, beat it, Professor. Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac? Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival. The what? Oh, sorry, Bart. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie... directed by some Swedish meatball. Oh, no. Well, I guess we don't have to do that. Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you. Can it wait, son? It's getting kinda dark. All right, Homer. Come on, baby. Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind. Whoa! Strike two! Two and two. Can you still see the ball, Bart? Don't worry, Home boy. You're not that fast. Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat. Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there! So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son? Oh, nothing, Pop. I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous. Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am. All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right? 'Course I do. Sorry. Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're-- We're just concerned. When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work... well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you? Lord, no. Well, then, what can we do to make you happy? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom... the ennui, the intellectual malaise? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um... but I was thinking I could go undercover. Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on. Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid. You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick. I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps. Yeah. Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner. Proposal? you know, outline your project... what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it. Gotcha, man. "'My proposal' by Bart Simpson." I want to pretend... I am a regular dumb kid. Period. "By this, I hope--" Oh, no. "For this, I will--" Ohh." Require--" Ohh. Oh, man. "'My Confession' by Bart Simpson." I am a regular dumb kid. Period. "I cheated on my intelligence test. Period." Ah, finished already? Principal Skinner will be very interested to-- to-- Oh. You know... you misspelled "confession." Hey, lookin' good, Bart. Bart, what happened? I had a little accident in chemistry today. Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son. Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb. Dad, I gotta tell you something. Hope you won't be too mad. What is it, son? I'm not a genius, Dad. What? I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But l just want to say... that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things... and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close... it can't possibly be bad. Why, you little-- Uh-oh. What's going on out there? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well. You can't stay in there forever! I can try. March your butt right out here, now! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out... I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted. Shh!

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 78%. (I'm a bot)

A mother of three has spoken up after her sons got expelled from a Catholic school in the United States when the institution found out about her account on adult social platform OnlyFans.
Crystal Jackson, 44, stressed that she was outraged by how the Sacred Heart Parish School in Sacramento, California, reacted to her OnlyFans page by expelling her sons, as per People on Feb. 23.
Jackson said the school found out about her OnlyFans account after parents of other students showed the school her photos from the platform.
The wife then told the school and other mothers, who then urged the school to kick her sons out.
Jackson goes by "The Real Mrs. Poindexter" on her OnlyFans account and other social media pages.
Actress Bella Thorne makes $2 million in first week of launching OnlyFans account.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: school^#1 OnlyFans^#2 Jackson^#3 out^#4 account^#5
Post found in /nottheonion.
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If you like these TV listings, please consider an up-vote. Thanks!
all times are Eastern USA - check your local listings
This Christmas Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / OWN 24 Coming together for the first time after spending several years apart from one another, an estranged family reconnects to celebrate Christmas, where they do their best to overcome the squabbles that managed to keep them from seeing each other.
The Perfect Holiday Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / FAM-E 52 A girl hopes that the Christmas holidays will bring a better life for her, her mother and her sisters, as she takes a trip to a local shopping mall and asks Santa Claus to assist her in finding a compatible husband for her recently divorced mother.
Rick and Morty - Anatomy Park Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / TOON-E 58 In the spirit of the Christmas holiday, Rick and his grandson Morty get together and attempt to save the life of a homeless man; Jerry's parents come to town during the holiday to visit the family so that everyone can get the opportunity to bond.
Christmas Connection Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / HALMRK 68 A flight attendant looks after an unaccompanied minor, and after she is safely delivered to her father, the attendant finds a package that she left behind, and when she delivers it to her, her father invites her to spend the holidays with them.
The Christmas Doctor Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / HALLMV 84 A doctor must decide between a job far from home, and the revelations of a mysterious man from her past.
A Very Country Christmas Homecoming Tomorrow, 12:00 AM / UP 145 A couple returns home after their honeymoon to prepare for their first Christmas as a family, but their perfect holiday plans are threatened when the woman's former father-in-law shows up out of the blue and makes things complicated
A Christmas Winter Song Tomorrow, 12:01 AM / LIF-E 38 A musical bond forms between a Christmas shop owner and a former jazz singer who has hit rock bottom as the store owner tries to help the artist reconnect with his daughter and grandchildren in time for the towns annual holiday concert.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Tomorrow, 12:30 AM / HBOC-W 212 After accidentally burning down Harold's father-in-law's prize Christmas tree, Harold and Kumar embark on a quest to find the perfect replacement in New York City, but along the way, they run into all types of trouble blocking their path
The Nanny - Christmas Episode Tomorrow, 12:30 AM / WTTA-SD 609 / COZITV Fran and the kids prepare to spend Christmas without Maxwell due to a business trip that is taking him out of town for the holidays; Fran buys the children expensive gifts on credit only to learn that her Christmas bonus is not what she had imagined.
Die Hard Tomorrow, 12:55 AM / HBO2 202 A New York cop, who is visiting Los Angeles, finds himself pitted against a group of ruthless terrorists who have taken a large number of hostages in a high-rise office building, and he is forced to fight for their survival alone.
The Sweetest Christmas Tomorrow, 2:00 AM / HALMRK 68 When a struggling pastry chef makes it to the finals of a baking competition, her excitement is dissipated by the news that her oven has broken down, so reaches out to her ex-boyfriend to use his pizzeria oven to craft her winning confections.
Christmas Incorporated Tomorrow, 2:00 AM / HALLMV 84 A job-seeker gets a rare opportunity to work for an entrepreneur after being mistaken for someone else, but when her new boss plans to close a factory just before Christmas, she must change his mind without exposing her identity or pushing him away.
A Very Vintage Christmas Tomorrow, 2:04 AM / LIF-E 38 After uncovering a hidden box full of romantic mementos, the owner of Very Vintage Antiques makes it her goal to track down the items rightful owner and enlists the help of the new resident at the listed address to track down the individual.
Black Christmas Tomorrow, 2:20 AM / HBO2W 209 Students at a college head home for the holidays to spend time with their families, but as a group of sorority sisters prepare to have fun at some seasonal parties, a mysterious person in a cloak begins to leave a bloody trail around campus.
Rick and Morty - Anatomy Park Tomorrow, 3:00 AM / TOON-E 58 In the spirit of the Christmas holiday, Rick and his grandson Morty get together and attempt to save the life of a homeless man; Jerry's parents come to town during the holiday to visit the family so that everyone can get the opportunity to bond.
The King of Queens - Mentalo Case Tomorrow, 3:31 AM / FYI 104 Christmas time has arrived and Carrie is busily putting into action her plans to spend the most money out of everyone else; Deacon and Doug get into a series of arguments over who deserves a popular doll from their childhood.
Die Hard Tomorrow, 3:55 AM / HBO2W 209 A New York cop, who is visiting Los Angeles, finds himself pitted against a group of ruthless terrorists who have taken a large number of hostages in a high-rise office building, and he is forced to fight for their survival alone.
Christmas Joy Tomorrow, 4:00 AM / HALMRK 68 When a market researcher is about to receive a promotion at work, she is unexpectedly called home to help her aunt recover from surgery, but she soon finds herself participating in a local baking competition with her former flame.
A Christmas Melody Tomorrow, 4:00 AM / HALLMV 84 After closing her boutique in the city, a single mother returns to her hometown with her young daughter, who tries to get ready for a holiday performance with her new music teacher's help while her mother contends with a rival from her past.
Futurama - Xmas Story Tomorrow, 6:00 AM / SCFI-E 59 Fry goes out at night to find a Christmas gift for Leela and runs into "Robot Santa Claus," a homicidal robot who seeks to destroy those he considers to be naughty; Bender becomes friends with a group of homeless robots
Finding Santa Tomorrow, 6:00 AM / HALMRK 68 A young woman in charge of her town's Christmas events finds herself in a bind when the town's Santa Claus unexpectedly falls ill, so she is forced to rely on the talents of a driver who has no interest in becoming the replacement for Kris Kringle.
Small Town Christmas Tomorrow, 6:00 AM / HALLMV 84 When a young female novelist travels to the hometown of the man who inspired her to write her bestselling book, but who also hurt her feelings by standing her up, she reconnects with an old boyfriend and helps restore the town's Christmas traditions.
Make Room for Daddy - Christmas Story Tomorrow, 6:30 AM / WTTA-SD 609 / COZITV Danny is disappointed that his family gets so caught up in the material aspects of the Christmas season that they have forgotten what the holiday truly means, so he comes up with a solution that will hopefully remedy his malaise.
The Middle - Christmas Help Tomorrow, 7:00 AM / FAM-E 52 When Mike helps Rusty move furniture into the Heck house, he finds Rusty doesn't actually own the items; Frankie plans to work at a store to get a discount to buy Christmas presents; TimTom boldly casts Brick in a holiday play; Sue bakes cookies.
Wish Upon A Christmas Tomorrow, 8:00 AM / LIF-E 38 A business executive returns home to help a family-run business, however her plan for massive layoffs leaves employees heartbroken, but when she rekindles a romance with the company's owner, she begins to see the business' charm and works to save it.
Crown for Christmas Tomorrow, 8:00 AM / HALMRK 68 A woman becomes a governess after being let go from her job at a hotel, but when she meets her new employer and his young daughter, who is known to cause trouble for authority figures, she discovers that they are European monarchs.
A Christmas to Remember Tomorrow, 8:00 AM / HALLMV 84 A TV personality with a bad attitude and a soaring stress level decides to take an impromptu road trip through the mountains to get away from it all, but after a bad accident gives her a case of amnesia, she relies on a friendly stranger's help.
Mom - An Epi-Pen and a Security Cat Tomorrow, 8:30 AM / FXX 82 Christy and Bonnie search for the person who broke into their home and stole gifts before Christmas, but their investigation takes them to an unlikely location.
American Christmas Tomorrow, 8:30 AM / SHONXT 246 After another Christmas dinner is ruined, a woman takes a close look at her family and decides to make each member of the family confront their pasts in the hope that surprise guests will inspire her loved ones to turn their lives around.
The Spirit of Christmas Tomorrow, 10:00 AM / LIF-E 38 A lawyer trying to sell an old inn discovers it's haunted, but after she meets the ghost, who died 95 years prior but takes human form 12 days before Christmas, she becomes determined to help him solve the mystery of his death so he can move on.
A Joyous Christmas Tomorrow, 10:00 AM / HALLMV 84 When a successful motivational speaker is rescued from a near fatal accident by a stranger, it helps her to learn about the true meaning of Christmas and the value of helping others, which leads to her finding true love.
Friends - The One with 2 Parts, Pt 2 Tomorrow, 10:30 AM / TBS 23 Rachel attempts to take down her Christmas lights on the balcony without assistance and ends up suffering from a sprained ankle; Phoebe is forced to run damage control after her twin sister breaks up with a devastated Joey.
The Middle - A Simple Christmas Tomorrow, 10:30 AM / FAM-E 52 The Hecks count down the 12 days of Christmas with Frankie's parents when they come to town to spend the holidays with the family; Frankie decides she wants to take focus off of the presents, but her parents have other ideas.
Martin - Holiday Blues Tomorrow, 10:34 AM / BET 71 Martin wants to take Gina to Philadelphia in order to visit her parents for the Christmas holiday, but when their bus gets unexpectedly snowed in at the station, their bags also get stolen, jeopardizing their trip altogether.
In Living Color - The Dysfunctional Home Christmas Show Tomorrow, 11:00 AM / TVONE 146 Sketches include: Vera Demilo; Why; Mr. and Mrs. Brooks; Cousin Elsee; The Bodyguard; The Dysfunctional Home Christmas Show.
Black Christmas Tomorrow, 11:15 AM / HBO 201 Students at a college head home for the holidays to spend time with their families, but as a group of sorority sisters prepare to have fun at some seasonal parties, a mysterious person in a cloak begins to leave a bloody trail around campus.
Christmas on the Bayou Tomorrow, 12:00 PM / LIF-E 38 In the hopes of strengthening her bond with her young son, a busy New York executive decides to spend Christmas in her Southern hometown, but when a childhood friend tries to persuade her to stay, she wonders if she shouldn't return to the big city.
The Perfect Holiday Tomorrow, 12:00 PM / FAM-E 52 A girl hopes that the Christmas holidays will bring a better life for her, her mother and her sisters, as she takes a trip to a local shopping mall and asks Santa Claus to assist her in finding a compatible husband for her recently divorced mother.
Check Inn to Christmas Tomorrow, 12:00 PM / HALMRK 68 A lawyer moves back to her family's inn near the Rocky Mountains for the holidays, and she finds herself caught in the middle of an old feud with the family that runs the town's other inn, but as the tension escalates, so does a spark of romance.
Buttons: A Christmas Tale Tomorrow, 12:00 PM / STRZFK 274 Two orphan girls' only wish is to find a home for Christmas, and when they meet two unexpected visitors, they turn out to be their guardian angels who, with a little help, turn the tide of events and change their lives forever.
Felix the Cat Saves Christmas Tomorrow, 1:29 PM / STRZFK 274 The Professor and Rock Bottom are plotting to ruin Christmas by creating the world's largest blizzard, and it's up to Felix the Cat and Poindexter to journey to the North Pole and save Christmas with the help of Santa Claus.
Annie Tomorrow, 1:55 PM / RETRPX 386 A spunky girl who lives in an orphanage is chosen to spend the Christmas holidays with a billionaire who grows to love the child, and wants to adopt her, but her true happiness may be jeopardized by the scheming headmistress of her orphanage.
Four Christmases and a Wedding Tomorrow, 2:00 PM / LIF-E 38 When an event planner who's given up on romance gets hired to plan a local Christmas festival, she falls in love with one of the attendees, but strange circumstances make it so that they can only see each other at the festival for the next few years.
Merry & Bright Tomorrow, 2:00 PM / HALMRK 68 The CEO of a company meets a man during the busy Christmas season who she assumes is the one her mother wants to set her up with, but he turns out to be the one she has to work with, and they find they have more in common than they think.
A Princess for Christmas Tomorrow, 2:00 PM / HALLMV 84 After her sister is killed in an auto accident, a young woman and her niece and nephew she is watching are invited to Europe for Christmas by an estranged relative where she begins to fall for a charming prince while on the vacation.
Black Christmas Tomorrow, 2:15 PM / HBOWAL 208 Students at a college head home for the holidays to spend time with their families, but as a group of sorority sisters prepare to have fun at some seasonal parties, a mysterious person in a cloak begins to leave a bloody trail around campus.
Jack Frost Tomorrow, 3:30 PM / AMCALL 64 A neglectful father chasing a dream to become a rock musician dies in an automobile accident while trying to get home for Christmas and returns in the form of a snowman to spend time with his son and do the things he always meant to do
Christmas Reservations Tomorrow, 4:00 PM / LIF-E 38 An event coordinator at her family's Treeline Ski Resort finds herself questioning her reservations about love and life when she has a chance encounter with her former college sweetheart, who is widowed with two kids to care for during Christmas.
A Bramble House Christmas Tomorrow, 4:00 PM / HALLMV 84 When a young man discovers that his recently deceased father left $50,000 to his nurse, for her to open a bed and breakfast, he goes undercover to investigate the reason why she was given his family's money, and discovers her noble intentions.
Last Man Standing - The Gift of the Mike Guy Tomorrow, 5:00 PM / CMTV 45 Mike struggles to find a special Christmas gift to give to Ed, who Mike believes already has everything that he could possibly want; Eve comes back for a visit and Vanessa helps the family remember the importance of family holiday traditions.
House - Joy to the World Tomorrow, 5:00 PM / TVGC 178 A teenager who collapses during her high school Christmas program shows signs of being bullied, and the team digs into her past as her condition deteriorates; Thirteen and Foreman continue work on the drug trial; House receives a thoughtful gift.
My Best Friend's Christmas Tomorrow, 5:00 PM / SHOFAM 248 When a woman returns home for the holidays hoping to reconnect with her high school sweetheart, she meets his new girlfriend, so to escape the embarrassment, she and her best friend fake their own holiday romance, but her fake feelings turn real.
Forever Christmas Tomorrow, 6:00 PM / LIF-E 38 A reality television producer is assigned to work on a holiday-themed series about a mysterious man who enjoys a year-round celebration of Christmas, but when she feels a romantic interest in him, she feels a newfound sense of the Christmas spirit.
Four Christmases Tomorrow, 6:00 PM / AMCALL 64 Trying to avoid their parents during Christmas, a couple plans a secret trip and tells everyone they are helping a charity, but when the trip is interrupted, they must visit each of their divorced parents, which leads to trouble and revelations.
Coming Home for Christmas Tomorrow, 6:00 PM / HALMRK 68 When a young woman plans a holiday gala for a family selling their extravagant estate, she soon learns that the family dynamic is fractured, but when she becomes drawn into a love triangle, she finds herself helping to mend family feuds.
Karen Kingsbury's Maggie's Christmas Miracle Tomorrow, 6:00 PM / HALLMV 84 A high-powered attorney and single mother seeks out a tutor for her devoted and struggling son, who wishes for her mother to find love and happiness, and quickly forms a close bond with the tutor, who also becomes a father figure for the boy.
Diff'rent Strokes - Santa's Helper Tomorrow, 6:02 PM / ENCORFM 378 A street-corner Santa Claus recruits Arnold to help him collect money, and Mr. Drummond invites him up to the penthouse for dinner, but later the man comes back and steals their Christmas presents, still in his Santa outfit
Deck the Halls Tomorrow, 7:00 PM / FAM-E 52 As two neighbors in a small town prepare for the festivities of Christmas, they get into an all-out war when one decides to decorate his home with so many lights that they are visible from space, but they soon learn the true meaning of Christmas.
Top Elf - Gingerbread House Party Tomorrow, 7:00 PM / THEN 140 The final four elf contestants compete for the title of "Top Elf" as baker Amirah Kassem, the owner and founder of Flour Shop in New York City, joins Santa Claus and Ms. Jingles in judging their giant gingerbread clubhouse creations.
Christmas on Wheels Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / LIF-E 38 A woman returns home to help her uncle with a broken ankle, but she is upset to discover he sold her mother's vintage car, which holds many special Christmas memories, and she sets out to find the car and use it to bring Christmas to others.
A Timeless Christmas Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / HALMRK 68 A man ends up traveling from 1903 to 2020 and meets a woman who helps him experience what Christmastime is like in the 21st century.
Return to Christmas Creek Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / HALLMV 84 When a career-focused Chicago app developer returns to her small hometown of Christmas Creek to rediscover the meaning of Christmas, she reunites with her estranged uncle and begins to develop a budding romance with her childhood friend.
My Best Friend's Christmas Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / SHOFMW 256 When a woman returns home for the holidays hoping to reconnect with her high school sweetheart, she meets his new girlfriend, so to escape the embarrassment, she and her best friend fake their own holiday romance, but her fake feelings turn real.
Mom - Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / CMTV 45 Bonnie attempts to convince Christy to repair her broken relationship with Violet; Adam gets ready to attend the grand opening of his bar.
Fred Claus Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / AMCALL 64 After Santa's older brother ends up in jail, Santa allows him to work at the North Pole to help pay off his debt, but his bad behavior begins to try the Jolly Old Elf's patience, as an efficiency expert hopes to stop operations at the North Pole.
Top Elf - The Grand Finale Tomorrow, 8:00 PM / THEN 140 Musician Pete Wentz from the rock band Fall Out Boy joins Santa Claus and Ms. Jingles to judge the final three elf contestants who compete in their last challenge at the North Pole, as they go high-tech and give Santa's sleigh a makeover.
Disney's A Christmas Carol Tomorrow, 9:00 PM / FAM-E 52 A wealthy old miser is visited by three ghosts who allow him to see what a stingy, grasping and cruel old man he has become, what will become of him if he doesn't change his ways, and the happiness he will find if he redeems himself.
Diff'rent Strokes - Santa's Helper Tomorrow, 9:02 PM / WAM-W 389 A street-corner Santa Claus recruits Arnold to help him collect money, and Mr. Drummond invites him up to the penthouse for dinner, but later the man comes back and steals their Christmas presents, still in his Santa outfit.
Mom - Foot Powder and the Barrelworks Pirates Tomorrow, 9:30 PM / CMTV 45 Christy stumbles upon information that suggests Adam has been hiding something from Bonnie while she was looking for a Secret Santa gift; Tammy tries to prevent herself from being sent back to prison by looking for a job.
Picture a Perfect Christmas Tomorrow, 10:00 PM / HALMRK 68 An extreme sports photographer decides to head back home for the holidays to look after her grandmother, but while she's there, she winds up giving a helping hand to one of the neighbors who need help watching over his nephew.
Candy Cane Christmas Tomorrow, 10:03 PM / LIF-E 38 A woman's spirits are dashed when her neighborhood decides to forego her most cherished Christmas tradition, which leads her to search for a new tradition to start while realizing that she is missing love as the most critical part of it.
Last Christmas Tomorrow, 10:30 PM / HBOF-E 204 A young woman who appears to have an endless amount of bad luck decides to accept a job working as an elf in a year-round Christmas store, but after a man enters her life and her life starts to change, she wonders if it's all too good to be true.
The Polar Express Tomorrow, 10:30 PM / AMCALL 64 A young boy's doubts about Santa's existence are allayed when he is invited aboard a magical train for a journey to the North Pole, where he is treated to a special gift reserved only for those who truly believe in Santa.

Bart, no more interruptions during Martin's book report.
Never have I seen a more noble thing than you, brother.
I do not care who kills who.
To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman.
To live. I thank you.
Oh, absolutely brilliant!
I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin.
-Call me Papa. -Some ketchup for your buns, Papa?
We have time for one more report. Bart Simpson?
Is your book report ready?
Is it ready? What a question! Students, prepare to be dazzled.
The name of the book that I read was Treasure Island.
It's about these pirates...
...with patches over their eyes and shiny gold teeth.
And green birds on their shoulders.
Did I mention it was written by Robert Louis Stevenson?
And published by McGraw-Hill.
So in conclusion, on a scale of 1 to 10...
...10 being the highest, 1 the lowest, and 5 average, I give it...
...a 9.
Questions? No? Then I'll sit down.
Did you read the book?
I'm insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
Then perhaps you'll tell us the name of the pirate.
Blackbeard, Captain Nemo, Captain Hook, Bluebeard.
-Bluebeard? -Sit down. I'll see you after class.
Your grades have gotten worse.
-Did you know that? -Yes, ma'am.
-Did you know there's a test tomorrow? -Yes, ma'am.
-Blah, blah, blah, blah. -Yes, ma'am.
-Blah, blah, blah. -Yes, ma'am.
-You haven't been paying attention! -Yes, ma'am.
Then what did I say?
-Straighten up and fly right? -Lucky guess.
Take that, granny!
Hide! Deadly mothballs. Granny's kissing me!
You reached the level of ungrateful grandchild. Try again, if you dare!
A couple more games and I'll hit the books.
Soup's on! Hurry up, or it'll get that skin.
I hate that icky soup skin.
After dinner, it's down to business.
-Marge, get me another beer. -Wait, Lisa has some news.
-He doesn't care, Mom. -I do. I want a beer while I'm caring.
Homer! Go ahead, Lisa.
I got an A on my vocabulary test.
You did! Well, that's just.... Oh, what a glorious day!
Hand me your paper. I'll put it on the refrigerator.
I might as well kill two birds with one stone.
You covered up my paper!
Look at those funny little whiskers. That reminds me.
It's Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie.
No, Dad, I should really--
Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all.
Well, maybe just one more hour.
It's so unfair. Just because he's different.
Time to hit the books.
Burning the candle at both ends, boy?
All right, let's take care of some business.
"Chapter One: A Dream of Freedom."
On September 15, 1620, separatists from the Church of England...
...some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England.
"Their destination was...."
Marge, come take a look at this.
The little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
Just a little dim, I guess.
Bart, you're gonna miss your bus.
Hey, Bart-dude. You look freaked.
I got a test I'm not ready for. Can you crash the bus?
Sorry, I can't do it on purpose. But maybe you'll get lucky.
Okay, don't panic. Find an egghead and pump him for some answers.
I bet he didn't study again.
-Now he'll try to get answers from us. -He's pathetic.
-Morning, girls. -Good morning, Bart.
Who's up for a cram session? I'll go first.
-Name the pilgrim's boat. -The Spirit of St. Louis.
-Where'd they land? -Sunny Acapulco.
-Why'd they leave England? -Giant rats.
Cool, history's coming alive.
I don't know why I should care...
...but the information that you just received is erroneous.
You're saying--
A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has more chances than you.
Thanks for the pep talk.
All right, take one and pass the rest back.
Think, Simpson! Crisis brings out the best in you.
-What is it, Bart? -Nothing. Must. Take. Test.
-What's the matter, son? -Stabbing pains in my stomach.
Oh, dear, I've heard of this.
-Do you feel pain in your arm? -Both arms.
-Temporary loss of vision? -Who said that? Come closer.
Yes, dear?
Maybe one more dish. Make it cappuccino chocolate fudge.
Your third bowl. I think you're on the mend.
Anything else I can get you?
-Perhaps the TV? -Of course. Homer!
What?
Bring the TV up. Bart's got his vision back!
I wish I had amoria phlebitis.
-I know you're faking it. -Keep your mouth shut.
-You'll still fail that test. -I've got my bases covered.
Milhouse, what'd I miss today?
Richard laughed milk through his nose.
What about that history test? Piece of cake?
What'd you get for number one?
Number two? Yeah, that sounds right.
Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel. You'll be pleasantly surprised.
This test is worse than Milhouse's!
Bart, I warned you. This is the final straw!
You know our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
Hey, Dr. J.
This is a classic case of what laymen refer to as "fear of failure."
Bart is an underachiever, yet he seems to be....
How should I put this? Proud of it.
One of his problems is a short attention span.
Blah, blah, blah.
Bart failed his last four exams. Is there anything you haven't told us?
Everyone else in the class has shown some improvement.
-Yet you continue to struggle. Why? -I don't know.
Look at these results: 55, 42, 26. A 12 on state capitals!
Why are we dancing around the obvious?
We all know it. I'm dumb as a post.
-Think I'm happy? -You're just a late bloomer.
It isn't that simple.
As emotionally crippling as it may be, my recommendation is for Bart to...
...repeat the fourth grade.
-You can't! I'll do better! -That'll be the day.
Maybe it would help him to be left back. It won't be so bad.
You can't hold me back. I swear I'll do better.
Look in my eyes. See the sincerity? See the fear?
As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
If not, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
Get off the bus and forever hold your peace, little dudes.
Otto, I respect you. You let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus.
Damn thing never goes over, does it? So what's in your head?
I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
They'll hold me back if I don't shape up.
That's it? Relax, man. It could be the best thing to happen to you.
I got held back in the fourth grade. Twice.
And look at me, man. Now I drive the school bus!
My recommendation is for Bart to repeat the fourth grade.
All right, class, the topic is world literature.
What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island, Bart Simpson?
I got a peptic ulcer, my wife wants a new car and I need a root canal.
-Quit bugging me about the pirate. -Long John Silver, Dad.
I heard that, Bart Jr. I want to see both of you after class.
Thanks a lot, son.
Yo, little help!
I said little help. Throw me the ball, Poindexter.
I'm sorry, Bart. I don't know the rules of your sport.
I didn't want to interfere with a ball in play.
Back to the forecastle of the Pequod.
-Hey, Martin. -I have nothing of value.
Help me get a passing grade.
You need someone's help, but I don't know why that someone should be me.
I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you.
They laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular.
You're not. Watch.
My speed with numbers, my years as a hall monitor...
...my prize-winning dioramas, they mean nothing to them?
Perhaps another demonstration.
-Very well, you've made your point. -Then it's a deal?
Yes.
-Let's have a look at your study area. -Study area?
Your sanctuary from the frenzy of modern life.
There's a desk under that junk.
No, this won't do at all.
We have to clean up this room. And we'll need a fern.
No room is complete without plant life.
No. Geeks sit in the front. From now on, you sit in the back row.
That goes for school and church too.
-Why? -So no one can see what you're doing.
I understand.
Mischief varies inversely with proximity to the authority figure.
Yeah, but don't say it like that.
Soon you'll be ready to try it with a real book.
Pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory was such a thrill!
The screams, the humiliation, the fact that it wasn't me!
-I've never felt so alive. -Now, the test is tomorrow--
Who cares about some test? Life's too short!
I thought we had a deal.
The old Martin no longer exists. Come on, fellows, to the arcade!
Cool, Martin!
Martin! Martin! Martin!
-Bart, it's past your bedtime. -Okay.
This is hopeless.
This is the end of the road. I haven't always been a good kid.
But if I go to school tomorrow, I'll fail and be held back.
I need one more day to study, Lord. I need your help.
Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel.
A teacher strike, a power failure. Anything that'll cancel school.
I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can.
Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.
Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy.
Oh, no.
Wake up and look at the snow.
Whoa! Good morning, world!
It's the Bill and Marty Show.
-He's Bill. -He's Marty.
We can't get enough of each other.
We've got snow-formation for you flake lovers.
The gas and water plants are closed.
And the nuclear power plant. That's closed too.
All right!
Now, for all you youngsters, here it is.
Springfield county schools are--
Oh, I'm too excited!
Springfield schools will be closed!
All right!
Come back, you're supposed to eat breakfast!
Cowabunga!
Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
Last night, you prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered.
I don't know who or what God is exactly.
But he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.
And you owe him big.
You're right. I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study.
I'm not missing anything. Frozen ears.
Trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over. How good could it be?
I haven't had this much fun in years.
Gotcha, Burnsie.
I was never one to back away from a snowball fight.
-Smithers, fire at will. -Certainly.
I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day...
...the funnest day in the history of Springfield!
Gotta study, gotta study!
"Four Days in Philadelphia."
The first Congress faced a difficult job.
"Could they make decisions that Americans could support?"
We hold these truths to be self-evident.
We hold these truths to be self-evident.
That all men are created equal.
That from that equal creation, they derive rights--
Look, everybody! It's snowing!
-In the middle of July? -It's a miracle.
I've invented something fun. The sled.
Look, John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!
Do you want to be held back a grade? Concentrate, man!
Later, Mrs. K.
Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over.
-Could you grade it now? -Well, all right.
Let me get Old Red.
It's a 59. That's another F.
Oh, no, I can't believe it.
I know. Another year together. It's gonna be hell.
What's the matter? I thought you'd be used to failing.
No, you don't understand. I tried this time. I really tried.
There, there.
This is as good as I can do, and I still failed.
Well, a 59. It's a high F.
Who am I kidding? I really am a failure.
Now I know how Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity in 1754.
You know, 1754. The famous defeat to the French.
-My God, Bart, you're right! -So?
You demonstrated applied knowledge.
Such an obscure reference deserves an extra point. It's only fair.
-You mean I passed? -Just barely.
I passed. I got a D minus! I passed!
All right!
I passed! I passed! I passed! I got a D minus!
I got a D minus! I passed! I got a D minus!
I passed! l--
Kissed the teacher?!
We're proud of you.
Thanks, Dad, but part of this D minus belongs to God.

Come on, Mom.
Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.
All right. Mmm. How about "he"?
Two points. Your turn, dear.
Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
Oh, wait. Here's a good one." Do."
"Id." Triple word score.

• Hey, no abbreviations.
• Not I.D., Dad."Id." It's a word.
  
• As in,"This game is stup-id."
  
• Hey, shut up, boy.
  

Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities...
for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.

• We got one?
• I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

"Id: Along with the ego and the superego...
one of three components of the psyche."

• Get outta here.
• My turn." Kwyjibo."

K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
Twenty-two points, plus triple word score...
plus 50 points for using all my letters.

• Game's over. I'm outta here.
• Wait a minute, you little cheater.

You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is.
" Kwyjibo." Uh--
A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.

• And a short temper.
• I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!

Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.
We come from Springfield and we sell swampland
you there. No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trashcan with it.
Principal Skinner...
one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Oh? Where?
Over there, sir. See?

• Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner.
• Yikes!

Hmm.

• Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

And a sloppy speller too.
The preferred spelling of"wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r...
although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant.
Good point. Boys, let's see your hands.
Mm-hmm.
Good. Okay. Simpson?
you might say you caught him red-handed.
Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
Same time, same place?
Yes. In my office after school.
Ooh!
Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me.
I was merely tying to fend off the desecration of the school building.

• Eat my shorts.
• Pardon?

Now, I don't want you to wory, class.
These tests will have no effect on your grades.
They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.
Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window...
so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper?

• You're right, Martin. Bart?

Remember to visualize the complex problems, and relax.
The test will start... now!
"At 7:30 a. m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour...
leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away."
Shh! Visualizeit, Bart.
"At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour...
and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe.
It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car.
An hour later, a number of passengers...
equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off...
but three times as many plus six get on.
At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off...
but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop."
Oof!.

• Ticket, please.
• I don't have a ticket.

Come with me, boy.

• We've got a stowaway, sir.
• I'll pay. How much?

Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff...
minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.

• Whoa!

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well.
Will you stop bothering them?
He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished.
May I go outside and read under a tree?
Certainly, Martin.
What are you looking at, Bart?
Are those naughty dogs back again?
you have 20 minutes, class.
He's a good boy now, and he's getting better...
and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock...
and need to be hugged extra hard.
That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up.
Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener."
He sure is.

• Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here.

Send them in.

• Hello again.
• What have you done this time, boy?

I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly...
we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?
Oh, no. He can't mean that.
My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.

• That was the idea.
• Oh.

By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty...
but this is not an isolated incident.
Bart's behavior is unruly.
He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excusenotes...
that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to--
Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision--

• Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pyor is here to see you.
  
• He says it's urgent.
  
• Send him in.
  

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J.Loren Pryor.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Oh, on the contray. I have some vey exciting news for all of us.
This aptitude test we administered this morning...
has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."

• A what?
• Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.
  
• Bart?
  
• This lunkhead?
  
• Impossible.
  

No, no, we're quite certain.
The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course...
but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.

• 912!
• Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216.
  
• Oh.
  
• That's still amazingly high.
  

Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?

• Oh, you bet.
• Mm-hmm.

Ever feel a little frustrated?

• All the time, sir.
• Uh-huh.

Do you ever dream of leaving your class...
to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis?

• Wow! It's like you're reading my mind, man.
• Uh-huh.

you see, when a child with Bart's intellect...
is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person...
he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.
I think we should retest him.

• We should move him to another school.
• Ooh. Better yet.

Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school...
that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers.
A school without walls...
where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to.

• Does that sound good, Bart?
• Sign me up, Doc.

Excellent. We're all set. Here's all the information you need.
Show up around nine-ish.
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again.
I think we're all in a mood to celebrate.
Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen?
Genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment.
Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery.
Aw, come on, Mom.
you look vey intelligent, dear.
No way!
How about a tie, son? Eveybody knows boy geniuses wear ties.
You're stifling my creativity, Dad.

• Sorry, boy.
• Bart, this is a big day for you.

Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.
It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.
Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.

• Homer!
• I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family?

Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
Maybe so, but from now on...
this dimwit is on easy street.

• No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route.
• Gotcha.

Oh, no. Ties.
Don't worry, son. you can have mine.
Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie.
The hook goes over the top and these things go in there.
Thanks, Dad.
you kissed me.
There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son. I think.
Now go on, boy, and pay attention.
Because if you do, one day you may achieve something...
that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations.
you may outsmart someone.
You must be Bart Simpson.
I'm Ms. Melon, your learning coordinator.
Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here:
Make your own rules.
If you feel sleepy, take a nap.
If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.

• What should I read, ma'am?
• Anything you want, Bart.

Oh!
A comic book?
How did this get mixed in here?
We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy.
Bart, these are the students who will share your work area.
This is Ethan Foley.
O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo.

• What?
• Ethan's very good with palindromes.

you know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards.
And this is Sidney Swift.

• Trabing norm doog.
• What's your problem?

Oh, don't mind Sidney.
He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today.
He said, "Good morning, Bart."

• And this is Cecile Shapiro.
• Hi, Bart.

Cool hamsters. What are their names?
Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococci virus.
Hamster NumberTwo is the control hamster.
Hi, little control hamster.
I wouldn't get too attached. We're dissecting him next week.
Discover your desks, people.
Now let's all welcome the newest member...
of our collective experience, Bart Simpson.
And now we can continue our debate from yesterday.
When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing...
that free will is an illusion.
If you ask me, humankind has freedom...
a freedom fraught with paradoxes.
Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind...
but this helps us to think for ourselves.
Very good, Ian.
Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?
Without law and order, man has no freedom.
If you want peace, you must prepare for war.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Well, it seems the smartest child in the class...
is also the quietest.
Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
Well... you're damned if you do...
and you're damned if you don't.
Well, I guess that would be a paradox too.
Thank you, Bart.
Whew!
Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball...
on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch...
for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch.

• Well, okay.
• There you go!

I'll trade you1,000 picoliters of my milk for 4 gills of yours.

• Well, all right.
• Anything you say.

Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my--
Save your breath.
What do you think of the new kid?
A rather mediocre genius.
Yes, not vey bright at all.

• So, how was it?
  
• Os-os.
  
• What?
  
• That's backwards for so-so.
  
• Wow.
  

What are you reading there? Comic books?
Uh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh?
Tell you what.
To celebrate your first day of genius school...
what do you say we go out for a round off rosty chocolate milkshakes?
All righty!
Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without...
mmm, hmm--
What's that word where you encourage something to grow?

• Nurturing.
• Nurturing your brilliant brain...

so I got tickets to the opera tonight.
Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
Oh, Mom. Not tonight.
Bart, your mother's only tying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.

• Homer, you're going too.
• But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.
There's no guy with peanuts, dear.

• Geez. No beer. No opera dogs.
• Shh!

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor
Please use the cuspidor That's what it's for

• Bart, stop fooling around.

Homer, stop encouraging him.
Don't stifle the boy, Marge.

• We're supposed to encourage him.
• Shush!

Shh!

• Who's the lard butt? -He's the bullfighter.

No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.
Who are those people?
P.U.When is this over?
It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
Is that one fat enough for you, son?
Let's go get a burger.
So,"Y" equals " R" cubed over three.
And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly...
I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared...
D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R.
Har-dee-har-har. Get it?
Oh, yeah.
Hi, guys. Great to see ya.

• Get lost, Poindexter.
• Yeah, beat it, Professor.

Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac?
Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival.

• The what?
• Oh, sorry, Bart.

Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie...
directed by some Swedish meatball.
Oh, no.
Well, I guess we don't have to do that.
Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you.
Can it wait, son? It's getting kinda dark.
All right, Homer. Come on, baby.

• Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind.

Whoa! Strike two! Two and two.
Can you still see the ball, Bart?
Don't worry, Home boy. You're not that fast.
Oh, you don't think so, eh?
Well, here comes some real heat.
Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there!

• So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son?
• Oh, nothing, Pop.

I'm still trying to get you a labpartner, Bart.
If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody.
Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.
Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.
All right, keep going.
But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?

• 'Course I do.
  
• Sorry.
  

Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this.
We're-- We're just concerned.
When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work...
well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you?

• Lord, no.
• Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?

I wanna go back to my old class.
Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom...
the ennui, the intellectual malaise?
Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um...
but I was thinking I could go undercover.
Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.
Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid.
you know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other.
you know, see what makes them tick.
I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps.

• Yeah.
• Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart.

you write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner.

• Proposal?
• you know, outline your project...

what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.
Gotcha, man.
"'My proposal' by Bart Simpson.
I want to pretend...
I am a regular dumb kid. Period.
By this, I hope--"
Oh, no. " For this, I will--"
Ohh." Require--"
Ohh. Oh, man.
"'My Confession' by Bart Simpson.
I am a regular dumb kid. Period.
I cheated on my intelligence test. Period."
Ah, finished already?
Principal Skinner will be vey interested to-- to--
Oh. You know...
you misspelled "confession."
Hey, lookin' good, Bart.

• Bart, what happened?
• I had a little accident in chemisty today.

Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son.
Don't be discouraged, son.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors...
before he invented the lightbulb.
Dad, I gotta tell you something.
Hope you won't be too mad.

• What is it, son?
• I'm not a genius, Dad.
  
• What?
  
• I cheated on the intelligence test.
  

I'm sorry. Butl just want to say...
that the past few weeks have been great.
Me and you have done stuff together.
You've helped me out with things...
and we're closer than we've ever been.
I love you, Dad.
And I think if something can bring us that close...
it can't possibly be bad.

• Why, you little--
• Uh-oh.
  
• What's going on out there?
  

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Oh, well.
you can't stay in there forever!

• I can ty.
• March your butt right out here, now!
  
• No way, man.
  
• But-- Son, if you don't come out...
  

I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted.
Shh!